My ex and I split up just over a year ago. It was mutual, we just felt that we had grown apart and there wasn’t much left to fight for. I thought I was making the right decision at the time, and honestly, thought I’d find someone better. But I haven’t. I’ve been on a few crappy dates but I just don’t seem to be meeting any interesting men. My ex, on the other hand, has moved on and is already in a new relationship. We’re not in contact anymore but mutual friends tell me he’s very happy. I can’t stop thinking about him and I really want to message him and see if there’s a chance of getting back together. Do you think I should? – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for reaching out, this is an issue many of us face when it comes to breakups and moving on.
The heart of your dilemma seems to lie not just in missing your ex, but in confronting the reality that your own post-breakup expectations haven’t been met. This is a common feeling, especially when we see an ex-partner apparently thriving. It’s important, though, to differentiate between a genuine desire to reconnect with someone for who they are, and the urge to reach out because you’re feeling lonely or are uncomfortable with the uncertainty of single life.
Reaching out to your ex could temporarily soothe feelings of loneliness or rejection from your recent dating experiences. However, remember why you both decided to end things. You mentioned that there wasn’t much left to fight for in your relationship, indicating a fundamental loss of connection or purpose together.
Reflect on whether the dynamics that led to your breakup have likely changed or if they’re capable of changing.
And instead of looking backward, focus on why your recent dating experiences haven’t been fulfilling.
What are you really looking for in a partner?
What qualities did your ex have that you find lacking in others?
This isn’t just about comparing others to your ex, but rather understanding what genuinely connects with your core values and needs in a relationship.
This moment of loneliness could be a powerful opportunity for self-reflection and growth, rather than a signal to revert to past relationships. Exploring your own life’s purpose and enhancing your self-fulfillment can improve not just your romantic life, but all aspects of your being.
In other words, take responsibility for your happiness and don’t just rely on a past relationship to define your worth or state of mind.
Before you consider reaching out to your ex, make sure it’s not a reactive measure to other disappointments. If after some introspection, you genuinely believe there was something special worth revisiting, and it aligns with a healthy perspective on what you both can offer each other now, that might be worth exploring. But do so cautiously and with clarity about what has changed, not just what has stayed the same.
Also, consider whether you’d be potentially interfering in your ex’s new relationship by reaching out to him. If your feelings are genuine, you have every right to express them. But if you’re contacting him out of boredom or the other reasons mentioned above, you could cause more harm than good.
Best wishes,
Evie
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