I lied to my girlfriend about sleeping with someone else before we made things official. Now she’s ignoring all my calls – how do I recover from this?

I’ve been dating my girlfriend (19F) for a bit over 6 months. We made things official really quick and everything since has moved fast, but she just confessed that she slept with someone else in the days before we had the talk about becoming official. I’m really heartbroken as I thought we were on the same page about wanting to take things to the next level and didn’t realise she was fooling around elsewhere. In the heat of the moment, I did something I’m not proud of and told her I hooked up with my ex right before as well. I guess I wanted to feel like we were on equal footing, but she took it so badly and said that while she had hooked up with someone on a dating app – essentially a stranger – it was completely different on my side because it was an ex which meant I still had feelings for that person. It’s been 3 days and she’s not answered one text or call. I really regret lying and I don’t know how to get her to speak to me or what to say. 🙁

Okay, let’s get real. You messed up. Lying to your girlfriend about sleeping with someone else, especially when you two had just defined the relationship, was a major mistake. You hurt her, and it’s totally understandable that she’s not responding.

Your reaction to her confession wasn’t great either. Trying to level the playing field by lying about your ex wasn’t the way to go. You both made mistakes, but the situations were different, which naturally evokes different emotions. Her encounter was a one-time thing with a stranger, while yours (albeit fabricated) involved someone you were previously intimate with, which carries a different weight.

So, where do you go from here? Well, I would say it’s time for damage control.

  • Start off by owning up to your mistake. Send her a sincere apology. Be honest, take full responsibility for your actions, and explain why you lied in the first place. Avoid making excuses or trying to justify your behavior. Let her know that you understand why she’s hurt and that you deeply regret your dishonesty.
  • Give her space. She needs time to process this. Don’t overwhelm her with calls and texts. Allow her to cool down and reach out when she’s ready. Respect her need for distance and show her that you’re willing to give her the time she needs.
  • Be patient. This will take time. Don’t expect immediate forgiveness (and be prepared for no forgiveness at all.) Give her the space and time she needs to heal and decide what she wants. Be patient with her and with yourself.
  • Reflect on your actions. Use this time to think about why you lied and how you can prevent similar mistakes in the future. Honesty is so important in any healthy relationship, and it’s essential that you commit to being truthful with her (and others) moving forward.

Not to be the bringer of doom and gloom, but I would prepare for the possibility of the relationship ending. It’s possible she may not want to continue building a life with someone who leapt to lie to her just to protect his own ego. If that’s the case, you’ll need to respect her decision and learn from this experience. Try and use this whole experience as an opportunity for personal growth and to build healthier relationships in the future.

This situation isn’t ideal, but it also doesn’t have to be the end.

While there’s no guarantee she’ll forgive you, owning your mistakes, being patient, and demonstrating genuine remorse can go a long way. Show her that you truly regret what you did and are committed to being honest with her from now on.

Remember, relationships are built on trust and communication. This is a tough lesson, but it can also be a turning point for your relationship if you both choose to learn and grow from it.

Good luck!

Evie

Do you have a question for Evie? If you would like advice from Evie, fill out the form here or send your problem to askevie@ideapod.com. 

Picture of Ask Evie

Ask Evie

Evie is on a mission to revolutionize relationships and help you sort through your emotional woes. Her popular column helps readers break free from societal restraints and create empowering relationships - both with their inner selves and with those around them. With a wealth of experience in relationship counseling, backed by several professional certifications, she’s open-minded, big-hearted, and extremely compassionate… But she’ll also be completely honest in telling you the (sometimes) brutal truth, so you can get straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe you’re trying to save a marriage that currently feels like a sinking ship? Or worrying that your new friend isn’t quite as nice as they seem? Perhaps you’ve accidentally killed your partner’s goldfish and are weighing up the pros and cons of going to the pet store and finding a doppelganger, or fessing up? Whatever the dilemma, Evie’s at the ready to help sort through the emotional turmoil and guide you towards the next best step. To get in touch with Evie, click here.

Enhance your experience of Ideapod and join Tribe, our community of free thinkers and seekers.

Related articles

Most read articles

Get our articles

Ideapod news, articles, and resources, sent straight to your inbox every month.

0:00
0:00