(24F), been with my boyfriend (26M) for a year. I’m starting to meet more of his friends and struck up a bit of a friendship with one of the girls who has generally been the most warm and welcoming. We went for drinks (without bf!) which I was pretty happy about as I feel like I’m integrating with them more, but during our meetup, this friend let slip a joke about her past sexual history with my boyfriend. I had no idea and was speechless, and she could straight away tell that I hadn’t known this information. She was desperately sorry and apologized so much, telling me that she was certain he had told me. I left early to confront my boyfriend who broke down and said he kept it to himself as he was worried about what I’d think, but now I just feel hurt, confused, and lied to. Can I trust him if he’s kept this to himself and made me look like a bit of a fool, being so kept in the dark? Help… – Sonja, MA
Dear Sonja,
Ouch, that’s a tough one. Feeling blindsided by a bombshell like that is totally understandable. Your hurt, confusion, and even that twinge of embarrassment are all valid reactions.
Let’s start with the obvious: This isn’t your fault. Not one bit. Your boyfriend’s friend may have slipped up, but the root of the problem lies with your boyfriend’s choice to conceal something significant from you.
Now, I’m not saying he’s a villain. It sounds like he was probably scared of your reaction, and maybe he hoped it would just fade into the past. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, and sometimes we avoid tough conversations out of fear.
However, that doesn’t excuse his actions. Honesty is the bedrock of any healthy relationship, and his silence created a crack in that foundation. It also put you in an awkward position with his friend, which is just unfair.
So, where do you go from here?
First, take a deep breath. Give yourself time to process those feelings of betrayal. It’s okay to be angry, hurt, and even a little doubtful.
Then, when you’re ready, have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. Explain how his secrecy made you feel, and let him know that trust takes time to rebuild. It’s important for him to understand the impact of his actions and take responsibility for them.
As for whether you can trust him again, that’s a decision only you can make. Observe his actions moving forward. Is he genuinely remorseful? Is he open and transparent about other things? These are the signs that will tell you if he’s truly committed to rebuilding your trust.
Remember, you deserve a partner who respects you enough to be honest, even when it’s difficult. If he can’t offer you that, then maybe it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
You’ve got this. Stay strong and trust your gut.
Evie
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