Do you struggle to set healthy boundaries in your relationships? And do you think it’s ruining your chances of finally settling down with someone?
I get it – many of us carry a lot of pain from previous relationships that we just can’t seem to shake off. It’s not easy…
Here’s what I’ve learnt about setting healthy boundaries in relationships – and I’m going to share 6 practical tips to help you break free.
Let’s get started!
1) Get to know yourself better
First up on the list: you’ve got to get to know yourself better! Now how do you do that?
For starters, you can pick up a hobby you truly enjoy, something you can really immerse yourself in on your own!
When you get to know yourself better in this way, you will find out:
- What you like to do on your own accord (you aren’t being forced to do something just because someone else enjoys it)
- How much time you like having to yourself (outside of a relationship)
- How to create something you can call your own (for example, a piece of art)
Here’s why this is important…in order to set healthy boundaries in your relationships, you need to have a strong sense of who you are as an individual!
That way, you can figure out what you WILL and WON’T tolerate from your partners, making it easier to break free from people who don’t deserve you.
And this brings me to my next point…
2) Decide what you will and won’t tolerate
Like I mentioned, it’s important to figure out who you are as an individual in order to set healthy boundaries in relationships.
Otherwise, you’ll risk losing yourself in the other person and will never be able to tell when you’re being treated unfairly!
In fact, this is a pattern that people in codependent relationships get stuck in…they don’t know what they want in a relationship, and that’s why they take what they can get!
They’re also prone to trying to “fix” their partners, letting themselves be a punching bag to the other person who simply doesn’t want to change…
Trust me, you don’t want to be in this situation any longer. So here’s how you can do that:
- Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle
- Write the words “What makes me happy” and “What makes me sad” in the columns
- Fill up each column with things your partner or previous partners have done for you (or to you)
That way, you’ll know what to take with you in your next or current relationship – the key is to be sure your partner isn’t doing the things that make you sad again!
Here’s where communication comes in…
3) Communicate your feelings, even if it’s hard
I know you’re groaning reading this – but you’ve got to push through the discomfort and learn how to communicate your feelings. Even when it’s hard!
It can be painful to do that. We’re so afraid of disappointing our partners, and worried they’ll break up with us because we want “too much”!
But is that so wrong?
Hold on a minute. You’re never too much – let me tell you! You’ve simply been taught to want less from previous partners who couldn’t see your worth.
So here’s a tip to setting healthy boundaries in relationships: challenge yourself to feel that discomfort. And speak up even when your voice shakes!
4) Stay away from people who hurt you (it helps)
I know a lot of advice out there on how to set healthy boundaries talks about what you can do on your own to get there…
However, I’m of the opinion that the people you surround yourself with also play a part in why you’ve been struggling to do that!
Let me explain.
For a long time, I kept many friends around who I knew weren’t so great for me – friends who only stuck around during the good times.
But I just couldn’t let them go…
This reinforced my perspective on love: I believed that this was what I deserved – one-sided relationships where I did not feel cared for and supported.
That’s why I want you to look at the people you’re surrounding yourself with and ask yourself who’s been there for you even during tough times…
Those people are worth it. And the others? Maybe they aren’t, and it’s time to say goodbye!
5) Recognize that you are worthy of love
All that talk of staying away from people who don’t care about you leads me to this next point…
Why do we let ourselves be treated badly by them in the first place, and why do we still show them love despite receiving nothing but pain?
The answer is contained in the relationship you have with yourself.
I learnt about this from the renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me to see through the lies we tell ourselves about love, and become truly empowered…
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, love is not what many of us think it is. In fact, many of us are actually self-sabotaging our love lives without realizing it!
Like I mentioned earlier, many of us fall into codependent roles of savior and victim to try and “fix” our partner, only to end up in a miserable, bitter routine.
But Rudá’s teachings showed me a whole new perspective.
I felt like someone understood my struggle to love myself – and finally offered an actual, practical solution to setting healthy boundaries in my relationships once and for all!
If you’re done with unsatisfying dating, empty hookups, frustrating relationships and having your hopes dashed over and over, this is a message you need to hear.
6) Keep trying (and pat yourself on the back for doing that)
Let’s face it: there’s no miracle cure for learning how to set healthy boundaries in relationships! It all comes down to your willingness to keep trying.
Of course, there are many resources available online to help us get better at it (including the video I mentioned above). So make use of them!
Remember this: you can’t overcome your struggles in one day. It may take a year, or even years; but you’ll get there eventually so long as you keep the faith!