How to make a guy like you: 16 no bullsh*t steps

Liking someone is all fun and games, until you realize that you’re slowly falling for this person.

You’re constantly scrolling through their accounts wondering how their day went and daydreaming going on dates with them.

Before you know it, you’re wondering if they even like you back — and what you could possibly do to make this guy attracted to you.

Thankfully, making a guy like you back isn’t so impossible.

Although every person is different, people still gravitate towards the same things. Physical appearance, emotional intelligence, and chemistry are universal drivers of attraction.

Here are the 4 phases involved in making a guy like you (that involve 16 steps):

Phase 1: Realize That You’re Different (If You’re a Woman)

If you’re a man trying to attract another man, then you can mostly skip this step.

You already have an intimate understanding of what men want in a relationship because you simply need to ask yourself: “What do I want in a relationship?”

But for women, this question can lead you down the wrong path.

Because what men want from a relationship and what women want from a relationship aren’t exactly the same things, and this can lead to countless frustrated headaches and pointless heartaches until you – as a woman – learn to accept this simple truth: men and women are wired differently, down to the neurological level.

The longer you ignore that reality, the longer you will find yourself working against you, like swimming upriver instead of going with the flow.

So the first step to getting any guy to like you is to understand that you’re trying to manipulate a different kind of mind, one that doesn’t think the same way you do.

But how exactly are men and women different when it comes to their needs and wants in a relationship and a partner, and what primarily attracts men?

Let’s start off with the ways where men and women agree. In a relationship, men value the following qualities:

– Attraction: We all need attraction in a loving relationship, and while this may seem obvious, plenty of people seem to fall into low-attraction relationships out of convenience alone. There needs to be the initial desire to be with each other, a feeling that can’t be faked.

– Emotional Intimacy: You and your partner both need to be each other’s emotional safe space, allowing each other to open up in ways that you can’t to the rest of the world. Men value this emotional intimacy as much as women.

– Respect: Mutual respect is important for both men and women, and men want to know that you care about their own well-being and that you value their role in your life as much as they value you.

– Praise: Ego exists in all of us, so heaping a little praise on top of the usual relationship requirements every now and then is enough to make both men and women feel good about their partner.

– Acceptance: We all wanted to be accepted, whatever our flaws may be. As much as you may desire to be loved unconditionally by your man, your man is looking for this equal complete acceptance as well.

But what are the ways in which men and women are different, and what do men value in relationships and partners that women should try to understand if they want to connect with them?

Here are five important aspects of their life that men value:

1. Independence and Sense of Self

How women generally see it: When you find a partner, you become a bigger and better version of yourself.

You may have a successful and fulfilling life on your own, but your partner truly completes you, so you want them to complete you and enrich you in as many aspects and areas of your life as possible.

As a woman, you tend to reach out to those around you, and your partner is now the biggest part of your life to reach out to.

How men generally see it: No matter how much you love your partner, you still want to make sure that the person that you have cultivated from a young age – your “real you” – stays safe and protected despite this new and invasive relationship in your life.

You like knowing that your partner won’t try to make themselves a part of every aspect of who you are, because you love yourself more than anyone else in the world.

2. Caretaker and Breadwinner

How women generally see it: You like caring for things and supporting your partner (and later, the family you build with your partner). You have always viewed yourself as someone who could be relied on for whatever your partner may need.

How men generally see it: You have an instinctive, deep-seated need to ensure that your role as a caretaker, breadwinner, and guardian over your partner is satisfied.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner can’t provide for herself; you are more than happy to see your partner succeed in their field.

It simply means that your role as someone who can protect and secure your partner when needed is fulfilled.

3. Fun and Playfulness

How women generally see it: Fun is an important part of the relationship, but not something you really need all the time.

You’re happy to have a partner who is stable and will always be there when you wake up. Someone who will stay around no matter how tough things get, internally or externally.

How men generally see it: As a man, you need a partner who wants to keep the playful fires going indefinitely. Fun and playfulness isn’t just a flirty thing you do at the start of a relationship (or even before then); it’s something you expect to continue doing for the rest of your life.

Silly games and playful flirting are necessary parts of a relationship to keep you happy, and if those things stop, you tend to get bored and dissatisfied with your partner.

4. Physical Lust

How women generally see it: Physical attraction is always a bonus, but it’s not the end-all-be-all for your attraction to a man, especially if he has wonderful qualities in other ways: an amazing personality, a strong work ethic, a hilarious sense of humor.

You can see yourself being with someone who isn’t really physically attractive, as long as they stimulate you in all the other ways, emotionally and mentally.

How men generally see it: It’s not a myth that men are much more visual than women, and as a man you are intimately familiar with your physical needs when it comes to your partner.

You want and need to physically and visually lust over your partner, even if you two are years-deep into a long-term relationship.

It’s important for relationship happiness and sexual happiness if your partner is someone you can look at and want.

5. Independence from Community

How women generally see it: The community strengthens you. You have always had people around you who support you and care for you, and you support and care for them in return. Your friends, your family, your colleagues – these are your support systems, and you wouldn’t know what you would do without them. That’s why women are generally more active on social media platforms, sharing and socializing as much as their lives as they want.

How men generally see it: While some men feel empowered by their community in the same way as women, there are others who just don’t see it that way.

You have always valued the purpose of a community, but you have never actively sought it out.

If friends happened, then friends happened, but you can stay connected to your friends and family without the constant need to reach out to them.

You don’t feel obligated to constantly share bits and pieces of your life, and you find it awkward when your partner insists on being more community-oriented than you are comfortable being.

Phase 2: Figure Out What Type of Man He Is

No two men are exactly alike, and knowing the general category your desired man falls into can help you in determining your strategy for winning him over.

Figure out what type of man he is, and then address his needs accordingly. Here are some common types of men when it comes to relationships:

6. The Commitment Man

Common traits: Generally positive, hard-working, well-balanced, tends to be stable in most aspects of his life

Who he is: This man is the ideal modern man for many. He desires monogamy, mutual support, and reciprocity, and wants a partner who can be his equal.

He understands the importance of sharing an equal and loving partnership to build an amazing family and future.

The problem is when he gets too focused on the family and loses his individuality, and eventually loses sight of the romance in the relationship.

How to attract him: Show him that you’re capable of being his equal. Be as strong and independent as he is, and he won’t be able to resist you.

7. The Emotional Caretaker or Controller

Common traits: Very sensitive, overwhelmingly kind, always affectionate and often gives compliments, thoughtful and old-fashioned, but quick to feel threatened

Who he is: This type of man is the old-fashioned poet, valuing romance and love above all else (to a fault).

He loves helping his partner grow and loves seeing them succeed, but wants to ensure that his partner knows his role in helping them become their ideal self.

This type of man loves patterns and predictability and feels threatened at the possibility of any emotional disturbance.

How to attract him: For this type of man, the greatest need that he needs to fulfill is his need to care for and enrich another person.

Show him that you’re the person who needs him, and that you can be amazing with him at your side.

8. The “Not Ready for a Real Relationship” Guy

Common traits: Values fun and excitement, slightly childish but interesting, always hangs out with his friends, doesn’t think about the future much, very friendly and flirty

Who he is: Men like this are on the younger side, from their teens to their early 30s. They don’t like the idea of a relationship because they feel like it ties them down, inconveniencing their cavalier, freestyle lifestyle rather than enhancing it.

What he wants: A guy like this is a guy who wants a partner who won’t change him. He won’t believe a girl as you exist, but if you can seamlessly become a part of his life without doing anything too radical to change his lifestyle, then he will love you deeply and passionately.

9. The Dependent

Common traits: At best he is emotionally flat (and at worst he is depressive), he is focused on one thing such as a hobby or his work, he can be somewhat disorganized, he is generally intelligent but has low self-esteem

Who he is: The dependent is the type of man who is desperately searching for someone to be his other half, although he might not always realize it.

This man is emotionally needy but is also very loving and gentle, and simply needs someone to believe in him for him to reach his potential.

What he wants: Attention and acceptance. This type of man loves any kind of sincerity, and if you can be that person for him, he will do everything to make you happy in return.

Phase 3: Become Irresistible, Physically and Psychologically

Making a guy like you means becoming the most irresistible version of yourself that you can be. A little effort goes a long way, and a lot of effort can move mountains.

If you want to give yourself the best chance at winning over a guy, you need to put the work in, both physically and psychologically.

Not feeling too great about yourself? We’re not going to lie: there are some things you can change and some things you can’t, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t improve your look and personality.

As they say, love is just a game, and knowing how to play that game is key to winning your man’s heart.

Attracting a man is a game of two halves: the physical half and the psychological half. Let’s go into both.

10. Physical Attraction

Wearing red: Red has always been associated with lust, and it’s the best color to choose from when picking out an outfit on a date. Countless studies have found that we are simply more attracted to the color red, and consequently, people who wear red.

Smile: Smiling is the perfect way to look better with little to no effort

Full, healthy hair: There are few things more attractive than having great hair. Hair is often associated with fertility and health, and taking care of your hair with regular visits to the salon can increase your attraction level ten-fold

Posture: Proper posture can do wonders for your overall look. Not only does good posture make you look physically attractive, but it also gives off the aura of confidence and self-assuredness

General grooming: Keeping yourself generally clean, well-groomed, and smelling great can definitely put you on any man’s radar.

There is nothing less attractive than someone who simply doesn’t know how to take care of themselves, whether it’s cleaning their nails or keeping themselves fit

11. Psychological Attraction

Be happy: Happiness is sexy and contagious, and we all want to be happy.

Finding someone who naturally knows how to be happy is always an unexpected surprise, especially in today’s world.

If you can show him that you are naturally happy, he will find himself being happy just because you’re around

Flirt with him: It’s all about keeping his attention and keeping him entertained, so don’t stop the flirting just because you’ve already gone on one date.

Your interest needs to be expressed not just in words, but in everything: your playful energy, your ideas, the things you say about him.

Make him know that you’re into him, and that energy will mirror back to you

Avoid him: While it’s important to let him know you’re interested, it’s equally important to show that your entire life doesn’t revolve around him.

Let him miss you, let him want you; give him the opportunity to wonder where you are, what you’re doing, and why you’re not messaging him at any given moment

Break the physical block: When we meet a new person, there’s a tense formality we naturally share with them, and this usually means we avoid physically touching them.

Force your relationship forward by breaking this barrier and touching him casually. Touch him on the arm while you laugh, touch his shoulder, graze his face; show him that you’re not afraid of skin-to-skin contact

Be present: This might seem obvious, but too many people live with their attention divided these days.

There are few things more attractive than being present and in the moment. When he talks, listen; when he listens, talk.

Show him that you’re not just a pretty face, but someone with a presence and an intelligence, someone who will add to his value the more he sticks around you.

Make him feel the “hero instinct”: When a guy is interested in you, it’s often because you have triggered something deep inside him. Something he desperately needs.

What is it?

To commit to a relationship, a guy needs to feel like he’s your protector and provider. And that you genuinely admire him for this.

In other words, he needs to feel like your ‘hero’.

There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the hero instinct. This concept is generating a lot of buzz at the moment as a way to explain why men fall in love—and who they fall in love with.

I know it might all seem kind of silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.

But this misses the point about what the hero instinct is all about.

The hero instinct is an instinctive need that men have to step up to the plate for the woman in this life. This is deeply rooted in male biology. And embedded in their DNA.

Although you may not need a hero, a man is compelled to be one. And if you want him to fall in love with you, then you have to let him.

But how do you trigger this instinct in him?

The trick is to make him feel like a hero in an authentic way. And there are things you can say, messages you can send, requests you can make to make him feel like your provider and protector.

If you want some help doing this, check out our comprehensive review of James Bauer’s new book. He is the relationship psychologist who first introduced this concept.

Or watch his free online video here where he tells you everything you need to know about the hero instinct. I don’t often recommend videos, but James Bauer is the real deal when it comes to relationship advice.

Here’s a link to his unique video again.

Some ideas in life are game changers. And when it comes to relationships, I think this is one of them.

Phase 4: Make Him See How You Can Be the Perfect Partner

12. Encourage Him To Talk About His Passions

One of the biggest misconceptions about guys is that they don’t like talking as much as girls.

And if your guy doesn’t volunteer as much information, it’s not because he doesn’t like talking about his interests.

Chances are he’s been conditioned to think that men aren’t supposed to be as open as women, and is likely hesitant in gushing about his passions.

One way you could really stand out is by encouraging him to talk about the things that he likes.

Every guy has his own set of interests and hobbies, and having someone to discuss these things with outside his friend circle can make him more affectionate towards you.

Don’t wait for him to volunteer information. Ask about the things he’s interested in and even invest some time learning the things he’s into.

Just knowing he can talk to you is enough to make him feel closer to you.

13. Live Your Own Life

Men want women who are independent. Guys have a more defined sense of independence and are more protective over their personal spaces.

Having a partner who not only respects his space, but also cultivates her own circle is instantly attractive to any guy.

Most guys have a built-in alarm in their heads. Once they see that you rely on them for your own happiness, they’ll start backing away without warning. But this isn’t specific to women.

People are drawn to other people who have their own things going on. No one wants a partner who is a hundred percent invested in them and has nothing else going on in their life.

14. Experience New Things With Him

As important as it is to live your own life, creating new memories with him can be just as impactful. Seeking out new experiences with your special someone does two things: firstly, it helps him see you in a different light.

It’s an opportunity to show your creative, daring, and even sexy side. He starts associating you with novelty and good experiences and will be looking forward to hanging out with you in the future.

Secondly, you’re creating a special bond in a special context. Going on a date is one thing; trying out an interesting restaurant in a different neighborhood is another.

People’s brains are more receptive to stimuli when they’re outside their comfort zone. Trying out different things together will make him more attentive towards you.

15. Improve Those Around You

How you interact with other people is a reflection of who you are as a person. If your guy sees you as this nurturing presence, he’ll realize that you just might be what he needs to make himself a better person.

Ultimately, being a good partner is more than just upholding your value as an individual. Excellent people just radiant excellence and help others achieve a better version of themselves.

Nothing is more attractive to guys than knowing a woman is capable of supporting, nurturing, and bettering who he is as a man.

16. Love Yourself

Expecting the guy you like to be the best partner for you is just one side of the equation. The other half is knowing that you are indeed the perfect partner for him.

And it’s not just about confidence either. Loving yourself means having emotional and mental stability to understand your strengths, limitations, and weaknesses.

Men are drawn to women who understand their value and don’t require constant reassurance.

If you know who you are and love yourself for it, any guy worth your time will pick up on this and find your self-esteem intoxicating.

Attraction From The Inside-Out

You’ve probably heard this advice a million times but that’s only because it’s true: love yourself. Think of attraction as some sort of energy.

People give off a certain vibe, and that can either make them look attractive or undateable.

Genuinely loving yourself and treating yourself as a catch will do wonders for your self-esteem, and everything you do communicates just how secure and happy you are with your own person.

Even if you’re not the funniest, smartest, most beautiful person in the room, having that magnetic energy is sure to pull in any guy towards you.

Be the kind of person you want to surround yourself with, and others will do the same.

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Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the editor of Ideapod and founder of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you to want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

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