I love my girlfriend more than I’ve ever loved anybody in my life.
The problem is she’s a lone wolf in every sense of the term.
I could never imagine breaking up, but there are real challenges for me to relate to and love her because of her solitary and independent nature.
Here’s how I navigate them and how you can too.
How to love a lone wolf: 15 useful tips (ultimate guide)
1) Give them space
Lone wolves need space like they need air. They thrive in it and find themselves in it.
If you crowd a lone wolf or try to get all of their attention, you’ll end up getting none.
Whatever it takes, find a way to give them space.
For many of us who are more on the anxious side of attachment styles this can be very hard.
But it’s actually an excellent way to avoid becoming codependent, clingy or needy.
When you recognize that lone wolves really do need their space and that you can still have a successful relationship with them, it’s a revelation.
Just make sure you really do give them their own room and realize that more often than not a lone wolf will come to you of their own accord when he or she wants company.
2) Encourage their independence
The lone wolf can make an amazing partner, but he or she needs to also feel very much validated in their independence.
The paradox here is that a lone wolf will only feel comfortable drawing closer and giving their heart to you when they feel like they are also free to pull away whenever they want.
Think of a cat…
They come to you when you’re busy and not paying attention but shy away when you reach to cuddle them.
This is the lone wolf!
Pursuing his or her independent missions but wanting companionship and love as well.
“Instead of dragging your lone wolf from his space, give him the liberty to himself. When dealing with a loner, remember that patience is the key.
“Once you start cherishing the moments of solitude with a loner, he/she will confide in you, and will not hesitate to accept you with open arms.”
3) Fix your most important relationship
Before learning the ins and outs of how to love a lone wolf, it’s crucial that you fix your most important relationship.
It’s the one you have with yourself.
Let me explain…
A lone wolf can often fall into the pattern of being avoidant.
This is one attachment style in dating and relationships in which one partner has childhood patterns or learned behavior that causes them to shy away from intimacy.
They often end up with a partner who clings to an anxious attachment style, which is somebody who feels inadequate and seeks the validation and love of someone else to feel “good enough.”
There is a solution to this, and it starts directly with you.
It’s something I learned from the renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
In fact, many of us self-sabotage and trick ourselves for years, getting in the way of meeting a partner who can truly fulfill us.
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, many of us end up chasing someone and not getting the love we crave.
But instead of taking a step back and approaching this is a different way which Rudá demonstrates in his video, we double down on our failed approach and end up heartbroken and alone.
It’s happened to me more than enough times for me to promise you that Rudá is absolutely on the mark here.
If you’ve had more than enough of the bitter disappointments in your love life or frustration about trying to love a lone wolf who makes you feel unwanted, this is the video that will help you turn things around.
4) Discover your own groove
A big reason for my ability to thrive in loving a lone wolf has been in finding my own groove.
In other words, finding my passion that I also enjoy doing alone.
For me that’s turned out to be restoring old cars, something which I started doing about a year ago in my garage.
The work is very detail-oriented and sourcing the parts themselves is really tricky.
But that’s exactly what I love about it!
The payoff I get when I get a carburetor up to shape or manage to completely fix a 1975 Cadillac Deville is unbeatable, too.
I thought you could only get that kind of high off drugs or bungee jumping…
But the buzz I get when a car starts coming together is incredible.
I don’t even do it for the money anymore, I do it because I love it.
My girlfriend is more into social media influencer stuff and creative endeavors like graphic design…
But she’s also started getting kind of into what I do, taking some inspiration from the design features of old cars to develop her own graphic design business.
I swear, there’s just something about red leather seats
5) Know your limits (and theirs)
The thing to remember about lone wolves is that while they thrive on independence and blazing their own trail, they aren’t some kind of superhero who never goes wrong.
Some lone wolves go too far in their own isolation as well, spiraling into a pattern that’s ultimately destructive to them as well.
This is why the key about how to love a lone wolf is in learning to love them for who they are while also interrupting their worse instincts when they go too far.
You need to know how much is too much for you and for them.
Like Jordan Gray explains here, being a lone wolf can kneecap your chances at finding and keeping love.
“The health risks of living as a lone wolf are massive.
“One study showed that chronic social isolation is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, or being an alcoholic, or never exercising, and twice as bad as being clinically obese.
“One thing is for sure: chronic isolation is a killer. It shortens your life span, erodes the quality of your daily life, and negatively impacts your sense of happiness and resiliency.”
There’s no question that a lone wolf needs their space and independence, as I spelled out in the beginning of this article.
However too much time and independence can be just as bad for them as for anyone else.
6) Find help for the tricky situations
When it comes to how to love a lone wolf, there’s no easy answer.
Every situation is different and every person’s love life has its own twists and turns.
Not every lone wolf acts the same or has the same needs and it’s all about striking a balance in your unique situation.
The best resource I’ve found in this regard is a website called Relationship Hero.
This site has trained relationship coaches who know all about the details of how to love a lone wolf and navigate some of the unique challenges that come up.
They can help you navigate the issues and dramatic obstacles you may face in dating a lone wolf.
This can sometimes include the obstacles and roadblocks inside yourself .
I know because I contacted them myself recently and was surprisingly impressed by the professional and insightful help I received.
My challenges in dating a lone wolf were immediately grasped by the coach I spoke to, who also rapidly seized on how I could turn many of the downsides in my relationship into upsides.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
7) Dig down to the roots
Being a lone wolf is definitely a certain type of person, but it can also be the result of trauma.
It’s all about balance.
In some cases, a more extreme lone wolf mentality can come about from a childhood where parental presence was minimal and the individual felt like they had to take care of themselves.
They developed a deep mistrust and dislike of the outer world and won’t let anyone in, for fear it would weaken them or expose them to danger and dependency.
This is the toxic side which a lone wolf can sometimes embody.
On the positive side, the lone wolf may simply be highly self-sufficient and, while emotionally healthy and balanced, not feel the desire or interest for much in the way of close sharing and intimacy.
While they may want a relationship and love, they feel stifled at getting too involved or sharing all aspects of their life with someone.
And you know what? That’s honestly perfectly fine. We all have the right to relate to the world in our own way and derive energy and meaning in the way we personally do.
The challenge, of course, is that you may find that loving a lone wolf who doesn’t seem to need you that much doesn’t give you the closeness of companionship you are looking for.
If this is the case, the future of the relationship may come into question.
8) Let them know they’re loved (but not smothered)
When figuring out how to love a lone wolf, remember that showing them you do love them is important.
However the key here is to not attach conditions to that love.
While you may communicate to your lone wolf partner when you feel their isolation is becoming too much, like I wrote previously, you should never give them the impression they must be different to deserve your love.
You love them, but you don’t depend on them.
You have a sense of worth that’s independent of anyone else.
You are ready and willing to be in a loving relationship with them, but you’ll never base your worth on that, and you will walk away if there is open or prolonged disrespect.
9) Be present, but focused on your own goals
The key to succeeding with a lone wolf is to remain present while also being focused on your own goals.
If your partner needs you and wants you, you weight that against your commitments and get back to them.
Never make the mistake of being “on call” to them at all times, however, as over availability can really lower your value.
In addition, remain focused on your own goals and what you want to accomplish.
Not only will it increase your own sense of wellbeing, it is much more attractive to the lone wolf.
10) Play to your strengths
Whenever possible, play to your strengths and focus on what you and your partner have in common.
If you both love nature then go for peaceful walks together and absorb the refreshing breezes and smell of flowers.
You don’t even have to talk. Sometimes love is nonverbal.
If your partner loves your sense of humor, play it cool and crack a joke now and then.
Play to your strengths.
Howling at the moon
No matter what kind of person you are and how deep your relationship is, the question of how to love a lone wolf can be a perplexing one.
If you leave them alone for too long they may run away and be gone forever.
But if you try to call them to your side and share with you more closely, they may feel stifled and pull away as well.
So where does that leave you?
The answer is that it leaves you walking a bit of a tightrope between intimacy and detachment.
However, you should know that loving a lone wolf is very much possible if you can balance your desire to give and receive affection with your ability to give space and time alone to your partner.
The specifics of your situation are definitely something I’d recommend speaking to the folks over at Relationship Hero about as well, since I know they helped me out a lot.