14 ways to get an ex back who lost feelings for you (ultimate guide)

You really want to get back together with your ex. But they’ve lost feelings for you. What are you supposed to do?

This is the position I was in myself, not too long ago.

And I have the answers you’re looking for.

Here are 14 ways to get an ex back who lost feelings for you.

1) Get into the right mindset

This first step is crucial.

You will never get an ex back who lost feelings for you if you don’t have the right mindset.

If you have any feelings of bitterness or like they “owe” you something, you’re on the wrong path.

You’ll just push your ex away even further, and you’ll be making yourself miserable in the process too.

So how do you get into the right mindset to get your ex back?

This will depend on what particular issues you are experiencing.

For example:

  • If you have pent up anger, then make sure to work on letting that anger go.
  • If you have self-esteem issues, then work on self-love and improving your own self-image.
  • If you have been hurt, work on healing and implementing healthy boundaries for the future.

No matter what the case, remember that this is a process that takes time.

You might also consider getting help from a licensed therapist who can guide you through the process.

2) Know why you broke up and why your ex lost feelings for you

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What caused your relationship to end the first time, and what led to your ex losing feelings for you?

If you don’t know the answers to these questions, you’ll have a really hard time getting your ex back.

You need to understand the circumstances you find yourself in before you can change them. This will determine what you have to do next.

Here are just a few possibilities:

  • Did your relationship end because life forced you down different paths, and your ex lost feelings just because you were apart for so long?
  • Was there infidelity involved that ended the relationship and made the love turn sour?
  • Did the relationship become stale over time, with the spark slowly dying out?

There are dozens more possible scenarios. Defining what happened is a key part to figuring out the right approach to get your ex back. It will tell you the first thing you need to work on or change in order to have a chance.

So before you move forward, make sure you take some time to reflect on this and figure it out.

3) Get tailored advice from a relationship expert

‘While the tips in this article will help you get your ex back, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.

That’s what I recently did.

When I was at my worst point in my relationship I reached out to a relationship coach to see if they could give me any answers or insights.

I expected some vague advice about cheering up or being strong.

But surprisingly I got very in-depth, specific and practical advice about addressing the problems in my relationship. This included real solutions to improving many things that my partner and I had been struggling with for years.

Relationship Hero is where I found this special coach who helped turn things around for me. They are perfectly placed to help you with getting your ex back too.

Relationship Hero is a hugely popular relationship coaching site because they provide solutions, not just talk.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice specific to your situation.

Click here to check them out.

4) Give them space and time

As you work to get your ex back who lost feelings for you, there’s one thing you need to keep in mind.

Don’t rush things.

You might have experienced something like this yourself. You were in a relationship with someone, and they wanted to move things to the next level when you weren’t ready.

And the more they pushed you, the more uncertain and hesitant you felt.

It’s an even more delicate situation with your ex. So you need to make sure you’re giving them enough space and time and not coming across as pushy.

If you have a hard time taking your mind off trying to get them back, go back to step one and work on your mindset. Mental wellbeing is the foundation to any kind of success, and you won’t get very far if you’re too hung up or agitated about something.

It will also help to invest time into your own life. Spend time with others who you like being around, take time to build skills you want to have, and exercise regularly to invest in your health.

You are doing this for you — but a great bonus is that it will actually make you look more attractive to your ex too.

5) Understand your ex’s point of view

I want you to learn from my mistakes.

A few years ago, I had an ex who lost feelings for me. I wanted her back badly. But I was so focused on what I wanted that I completely forgot to consider her own feelings and point of view.

She wasn’t completely closed off to the idea of us getting back together. But she had certain values in life, and she was worried that getting back together would mean she would have to compromise those values.

I would have been completely willing to get on board and support her, but I never stopped to try to look at things from my ex’s perspective. So I wasn’t able to show her this, and all my efforts were actually working against me.

If you want to get an ex back who lost feelings for you, you have to act based on what your ex wants. You can’t force them to want different things — if you’re trying to, then you’re chasing someone who doesn’t exist.

The best way to understand what your ex wants is to ask. They’ll appreciate the fact that you did, and the chance to explain their thoughts and feelings.

6) Work on yourself

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Researchers have made an interesting discovery about couples who get back together.

One of the number one reasons why exes give things a second chance is when they believe the other person has changed and improved for the better.

So if there’s anything you’ve been wanting to improve on yourself, now you’ve got more reason than ever to start.

There are countless options out there:

  • Learning a new language
  • Getting a new certification for work
  • Traveling and having new experiences
  • Meditating
  • Getting into shape
  • Volunteering in your community
  • Becoming a better communicator

You’ll need your ex to see this change in order for it to be effective. So don’t be shy to talk about it, or post something about it on social media.

This will help make your ex see you in a new light. But most importantly, it will make your own life happier and better.

You’ll be able to bring more to the relationship than ever before, helping to make sure that this time it will last.

Want to know what’s an effective way to start working on yourself?

Try to build a relationship with yourself.

You see, most of our shortcomings in love stem from our own complicated inner relationships with ourselves.

I mean, how can you fix the external without seeing the internal first? 

That’s why you need to start working on yourself in order to get an ex back who lost feelings for you.

I learned this from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê, in his incredible free video on Love and Intimacy

So, if you’re looking for practical solutions to get back with your ex and build a fulfilling relationship, start with yourself.

Check out the free video here.

7) Show them what they’re missing out on

People are drawn to people they feel good around. And they feel compelled to stay away from people they feel bad around.

Logical, right?

If you want to get an ex back who lost feelings for you, you’ll have to make sure you’re the first type of person for them.

Be the kind of person they would gravitate to.

This means being pleasant to be around. Be positive, make jokes, smile and spread love around you.

One thing though: make sure you’re not changing the core of who you want to be. Any changes you make for your ex need to be aligned with the kind of person you want to be.

You should never compromise your values for anyone.

8) Work on being friends

It’s hard to jump right back into dating with an ex who lost feelings for you.

So don’t be afraid to take it slow. Work on being friends with them first.

This will be a chance for both of you to gauge how well you can function together in terms of communication.

And getting to a point where you’re genuinely good friends will certainly take a lot of good communication!

Be open and honest with your ex, and invite them to do the same thing.

As you spend a bit more time together, you’ll start to build trust again, and you’ll be in a much greater position to follow the steps above and get them back with regular contact.

9) Work on open communication

Good communication is the foundation of any kind of relationship: familial, professional, and yes, romantic.

Perhaps this was the reason the relationship ended the first time.

But even if it isn’t, it can only help to work on effective communication skills.

A huge part of this is being a better listener. When the other person is speaking, are you fully listening to them with curiosity and a desire to understand them better?

Or are you just rehearsing in your head the next thing you will say?

Another important part of good communication is empathy. You might have some hurt feelings and anger in you. But if you get swept away by them and spit horrible things into your partner’s face, you are only creating more hurt and anger.

This will become a snowball effect that soon neither of you will be able to break.

We need to learn how to speak about sensitive issues with compassion and a solution-focused mindset.

An excellent book that can help you develop these skills is Nonviolent communication.

10) Don’t be attached to any specific outcome

Dozens of examples show it’s definitely possible to get an ex back who lost feelings for you.

But it’s also unpredictable.

If you have a very specific idea of exactly how things will go, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment and frustration, and making it very hard for yourself to succeed.

You need to be ready to go with the flow.

When you bring up a topic of conversation, or plan an opportunity for the two of you to hang out, don’t expect things to go a certain way.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t prepare yourself in advance. But your plan should be more about your approach and mindset, and not about forcing the evening to end in a certain way.

Honestly, I struggled with this a lot at first. I planned out a conversation with my ex in my head, and when she responded differently than I thought, I completely froze. Or I botched the whole thing up in my surprise.

I missed out on so many opportunities because of things like this. I only started getting things right after I got help from Relationship Hero.

I mentioned them before. It’s a hugely popular relationship coaching site because they provide solutions, not just talk.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice specific to your situation.

Click here to check them out.

11) Remind them of the good times

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People tend to remember two moments of an experience: the peak intensity of emotions, and the end.

If the relationship was predominantly good, but you had a completely horrible fight and then broke up two weeks later, those are unfortunately the things that will stand out the most in your ex’s memory.

This step isn’t about ignoring your past issues or pretending they don’t exist. It’s about working to resolve them and overlay them with better memories.

As you spend time together, you can subtly bring up your happy moments together to help them resurface in your ex’s memory.

If your ex brings up bad times, then let them get it off their chest. If they’re still thinking about it, then it’s clearly something that’s blocking them from developing feelings for you again.

So you’ll need to deal with it openly before they can move past it.

Then they’ll be able to focus more on the positive, and on creating more happy memories together.

12) Make them feel appreciated

Relationship expert James Bauer explains that the currency of relationships is appreciation.

The more you show it to your partner, the “richer” the relationship will be.

This includes things like:

  • Giving them meaningful and genuine compliments
  • Noticing their positive traits and actions
  • Sharing these thoughts out loud

You can do this with friends and family members too — and even an ex who lost feelings for you.

Perhaps this is partly why the relationship didn’t last the first time around — they didn’t feel appreciated and loved by you enough.

Starting to inject more positivity and appreciation into your time together will help to reshape their preconceptions about you and how you two could be as a couple.

13)  Establish rapport

Did you know there are proven ways to deepen your bond with someone?

Let’s go over a few that could help you get your ex back.

First, you’ll want to focus on what the two of you share in common. Research shows people are drawn to people who are like them. What values do you share in common? What are your common interests? What do you both like and dislike?

Another great tip is to spend more time with them. It’s not a guarantee that if you spend enough hours with someone, you’ll become very close. But it’s been shown that it’s impossible to become close with someone without spending a substantial amount of time together.

And lastly, try to have some new or challenging experiences together. Solving a problem together can bring even jealous colleagues closer, and sharing new experiences has been proven to improve the quality of relationships.

14) Be willing to put in the effort

Getting back together with your ex can feel like a wonderful dream. You can make it into a reality — but only if you’re willing to put in the work.

Each of the steps I’ve outlined above will take some effort and time. But it will all be worth it in the end — you’ll be back with your ex, just like you’ve been dreaming of!

The truth is, achieving that is certainly possible, but most of the time it’s far from simple. There’s a lot of things to consider, and each situation is entirely unique.

It’s impossible to give specific advice, and hard to figure out how you should fit all the various things to consider into actionable steps.

So my best advice is to get expert advice tailored to your situation with Relationship Hero.

As I mentioned earlier, they were crucial in my success getting back together with my ex. They’re a hugely popular relationship coaching site because they provide solutions, not just talk.

So rather than struggling with how to fit all the pieces together on your own, get in touch with an expert coach who can assess your situation and tell you what you need to do.

Click here to check them out.

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Picture of Tina Fey

Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing for Ideapod to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

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