I’ve dated a lot of emotional avoidants.
Most of them make good partners in the long run, but it can be awfully hard to convince them to commit.
In this article, I’m going to share 21 key tips for getting any emotional avoidant to commit.
Let’s dive right in:
1) Understand their avoidant triggers
For many avoidants, the fear of getting close to someone and having that person abandon them is rooted in a past experience.
If their childhood was marked by neglect or abuse, it can create a sense of distrust in the avoidant person that makes it difficult for them to commit to a relationship.
One way to get an avoidant to commit is to understand the specific factors that trigger their insecurities. In this way, you can be proactive in preventing those triggers from holding you back from a healthy relationship.
2) Don’t take it personally
I know it’s easier said than done, but you really have to try and not take it personally.
The reason your partner doesn’t want to commit isn’t that there’s something wrong with you, it’s because they have issues they need to deal with.
Here’s the thing:
For many avoidants, the fear of getting close to someone and having that person abandon them is rooted in a past experience.
If their childhood was marked by neglect or abuse, it can create a sense of distrust in the avoidant person that makes it difficult for them to commit to a relationship.
So you really mustn’t feel bad and think that they don’t love you or that you’re not good enough. You just need to be strong and help them overcome whatever is holding them back.
3) Ask a relationship coach
While the tips in this article will help you get an avoidant partner to commit, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
That’s what I recently did.
When my relationship was at its worst, I reached out to a relationship coach to see if they could give me any answers or insights.
I expected some vague advice about cheering up or being strong.
But surprisingly I got very in-depth, specific, and practical advice about addressing the problems in my relationship. This included real solutions to improving many things that my partner and I had been struggling with for years.
Relationship Hero is where I found this special coach who helped turn things around for me. They are perfectly placed to help you deal with someone who has a fear of commitment too.
Relationship Hero is a hugely popular relationship coaching site because they provide solutions, not just talk.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice specific to your situation.
4) Don’t chase
Now, this goes for all relationships, not just relationships with avoidants.
One of the worst things that you can do when you’re dating an avoidant partner is to chase them.
Trying to “catch” your avoidant partner and get them to commit will most probably end up backfiring.
You see, if you chase them, you will probably end up pushing them away because chasing someone will make them feel pressured to commit to you.
As a result, they may feel the need to push back so that they don’t end up feeling trapped in the relationship.
My advice is not to chase your partner by constantly asking when they are going to commit to you. Instead, focus on creating a healthy relationship with an open line of communication.
5) Communicate your needs
One of the most important things you can do when you’re dating an avoidant partner is to communicate your needs.
You may feel like you’re “playing it cool” or trying to be “low-key” by keeping everything on the down-low.
However, you can’t expect him or her to read your mind. If you want the relationship to progress, you need to make your needs known.
Many avoidant types will be hesitant to commit because they don’t know how to trust their partner. They don’t know if you’re going to leave them.
The solution? Communication.
By communicating your needs, you show your partner that you are trustworthy and you’re not looking to run out on them.
6) Ask for what you want instead of complaining
You need to stop complaining. Do I have your attention?
Avoidant types don’t respond well to complaining. They want to feel like you are someone who is independent and capable.
If you go on and on about how they aren’t committing to you, they will likely become more distant.
Instead, try asking for what you want. Be specific, and don’t apologize for what you want out of the relationship.
7) Deal with any abandonment issues you may have
If you have abandonment issues, you need to work through them before you can get an avoidant to commit.
Avoidants don’t like to feel smothered or like they can’t have their own time to themselves.
If you start relationships with the expectation that your partner will always be with you and never have time to themselves, you’re likely to push an avoidant away.
Instead, you must learn to deal with your abandonment issues – you need to get to the root of the issue.
You see, most of our shortcomings in love stem from our own complicated inner relationship with ourselves – how can you fix the external without seeing to the internal first?
I learned this from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê, in his incredible free video on Love and Intimacy.
So, if you want to improve the relationships you have with others and get your partner to commit to you, start with yourself.
Check out the free video here.
You’ll find practical solutions and much more in Rudá’s powerful video, solutions that’ll stay with you for life.
8) Be understanding
When you’re dating an avoidant partner, you need to be completely understanding.
If your partner doesn’t say “I love you” back right away or they’re not ready to move in together, you have to understand that it comes from fear.
While some people may be hurt or offended by this, you need to keep in mind that your partner is avoidant. They aren’t being hurtful or rude.
You have to understand that they don’t move at the same pace as you and need more time to be able to say or do those things.
It doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you, it means that they need to process things and weigh all the outcomes.
Take things slowly.
This goes back to what I mentioned above – avoidants have a different tempo.
So, if you want to get an avoidant partner to commit, you have to take things slow.
The thing about avoidants is they’re not impulsive people. They like to take their time and weigh out all of their options before making a decision.
This can sometimes be frustrating, trust me, I know.
You’re not likely to meet an avoidant who goes on a first date and then asks you to move in with them the next week – or month – or maybe even year.
If you’re able to move slowly, you can help the avoidant feel more comfortable in the relationship. And, getting them to commit will be a lot easier.
9) Learn to be self-sufficient
One of the biggest things you can do to get an avoidant partner to commit is to learn to be more self-sufficient.
Avoidants don’t want to feel like they have to take care of you or meet your needs. They want to feel confident in their ability to take care of themselves. They want to know that they don’t have to worry about you falling apart if they have to go away for work or if they have an emergency.
If they can count on you to be self-sufficient, they will feel more confident committing to you.
This doesn’t mean that you have to be able to support yourself financially or be able to do everything on your own. It just means that you need to be able to depend on yourself and not rely on your partner for everything.
10) Be reliable and dependable
The next thing you should work on is being more reliable and dependable.
Your partner doesn’t want to have to worry about whether or not you’re going to show up to things or keep your promises.
They want to know that things are going to get done and that you’re responsible.
If you want to get an avoidant to commit, you need to show them that you can be counted on.
This means that you need to show up when you say you will and do what you say you’re going to do.
The bottom line is that you shouldn’t make any promises that you can’t keep and you should keep the promises you do make.
11) Give them space
Here’s something to keep in mind when dating an avoidant partner: they need space.
They need room to make their own decisions without pressure from others.
Think about it for a minute.
If you want your avoidant partner to commit to you, you need to give them space and let them know that they are free to choose.
Once they’re ready to take things further, they will let you know. If they don’t seem ready to commit to you, don’t pressure them to do so. Don’t make your relationship feel claustrophobic for your partner by constantly bringing up the fact that you want to get married or move in together.
All in all, the best thing that you can do when you’re dating an avoidant partner is to give them space.
12) Don’t try to rescue your partner
If you try to rescue your avoidant partner, things will only get worse.
In my experience, If you try to come in and swoop them up and save them from their problems, you’ll end up pushing them away even more.
They don’t want to be “saved”. They want to be with someone who respects their choices and gets the way that their mind works.
By trying to save them from themselves, you’re basically acting like you’re better than them and you’re showing them that you don’t really understand them.
In short: By trying to rescue your partner, you’re showing them that you don’t respect them or their ability to handle their own problems.
13) Be patient
This is key if you want to get your avoidant partner to commit. Avoidants often struggle with trust, making them hesitant to commit to anyone.
They often lack confidence in their ability to make the right decision when it comes to relationships, making them less likely to take the plunge and commit to you.
If your avoidant partner is taking things slow, don’t try to force them to take the next step before they are ready.
The thing is that if you try to pressure your avoidant partner into committing too quickly, they are likely to feel even more uncomfortable in the relationship and push you away.
If you want to get an avoidant partner to commit, you have to learn to be patient.
It might help you to take up meditation or find a new hobby, anything to take the pressure off the relationship and help you deal with time…
14) Give your partner time
If you want to get an avoidant partner to commit, you have to give them time to open up to you and commit to the relationship.
You can’t rush them into anything. You have to let nature take its course and wait for things to progress naturally.
If you try to rush your partner, they’ll shut down even further and the relationship won’t progress.
But by giving your partner time and letting things progress naturally, you’ll have a better chance of getting them to commit.
15) Remember that relationships are challenging
When you’re dating someone who is avoidant and things start to look impossibly difficult, you have to remember that all relationships are challenging.
You can’t look at your relationship and expect everything to go smoothly. You have to accept the fact that things will be difficult at times.
You have to expect some challenges down the road but the rewards are totally worth it.
Simply put, anything worth having needs work and effort.
16) Recognize your partner’s limitations
If you want to get an avoidant partner to commit, one of the most important things that you can do is recognize the limitations of your partner’s personality type.
Here’s the thing:
Avoidants are cautious by nature. They like to play it safe and they typically dislike taking risks.
This can make it difficult for your partner to take the leap of faith required to move your relationship to the next level. If you want to get an avoidant to commit, you need to understand that you’re probably dealing with a person who is very anxious about the future and the possibility of letting you down.
This is why it is so important for you to be patient and understanding when it comes to convincing your partner to take that leap of faith into a committed relationship.
17) Be honest
Another important tip to getting an avoidant partner to commit is to always be honest and upfront with them.
Avoidants are extremely sensitive people and they will likely notice every little thing that you don’t seem completely honest about.
If there are certain parts of your life that you aren’t being completely honest about, it is only going to make it harder to convince your partner to commit to you.
The more honest you are with your avoidant partner, the more likely they are to trust you and feel comfortable enough to take that leap of faith with you.
18) Set some boundaries
If you want to get an avoidant partner to commit, it is important to set some boundaries.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to be controlling and bossy; however, it does mean that you need to be confident enough to know what you want out of your relationship and let your partner know.
You see, having some boundaries will help your avoidant partner to feel more secure in the relationship and will make it easier for them to take that leap of faith with you.
19) Don’t push for commitment too quickly
If you are dating an avoidant partner, they may be reluctant to take the next step in the relationship.
They may be hesitant to introduce you to their friends and family, or even introduce you by your name.
If the topic of your relationship status comes up, don’t push your avoidant partner to commit to you.
Pushing for a commitment too soon can make an avoidant partner retreat further into their shell. Avoidants often have difficulty trusting other people. If you push for a commitment too soon, they may worry that they aren’t ready to commit to you and will feel increasingly guilty about it.
If your avoidant partner doesn’t feel ready to commit to you, try not to take it personally. Instead, talk to your partner about their hesitations and try to help them work through them.
20) Show your love through actions, not words
Avoidants often struggle with expressing their feelings.
They may love you but be unable to express those feelings verbally. If your avoidant partner doesn’t say “I love you”, don’t push them to say it.
Instead, try speaking “their language”. Show them your love through your actions.
If you are dating an avoidant partner, try to express your love through actions. Instead of saying “I love you” all the time and talking about your feelings, show your partner that they are loved by:
- Being there for them
- Doing things like preparing their favorite meal
- Surprising them with a gift
21) Know when it’s time to let go
Finally, if you want to get an avoidant partner to commit, you need to know when it is time to let go.
No matter how hard you try, some avoidants will never be able to commit to a serious relationship.
If you’ve given your partner all the time and space in the world and they’re still unwilling to take the leap of faith required for a healthy relationship, you need to let them go.
It isn’t fair to you to stay in a relationship with someone who isn’t able to trust you or let their guard down.
If you’ve tried everything and they’re still not willing to commit, it is best to let them go before they end up breaking your heart or you end up resenting them for not giving your relationship a chance.
To sum up
Dating an avoidant person can be challenging.
When you’re dating someone who is avoidant, it can be difficult to figure out how to get them to commit.
Because avoidant types tend to struggle with trusting others and placing their trust in another person can be challenging for them.
When you first start dating an avoidant partner, it can feel like they are hesitant about progressing further into the relationship.
This is because many people with this personality type don’t realize that they are being avoidant until they meet someone who challenges them and makes them want to reach out and take the leap of faith required for a healthy relationship.
Now, as I mentioned in the article, there are some key things that you can do to get them to commit to a relationship.
One of the most important things to remember is not to take it personally if your partner is hesitant about moving forward in the relationship – it’s not about you, it’s about them.
You should also avoid chasing them and give them space to make their own decisions.
Be patient and understanding, and trust that your partner will commit when they’re ready.
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