You’ve probably heard it before — trust is a delicate thing.
Even the happiest and most loving relationships require constant care to thrive.
Sometimes, asking for reassurance is a must.
But how can you ask for reassurance without sounding needy? You’ve come to the right place, I will give you 8 helpful tips on how to go about this!
1) Be clear about what reassurance means to you
If you want someone to reassure you in a relationship, you need to be clear about what that means.
You need to have an idea of what will give you that sense of security, so you can communicate it to your partner.
You need to be able to say, “When you do X, it makes me feel Y.”
It’s not enough to say, “You should just know!” That’s not how communication works.
If you want your partner to provide you with reassurance, you need to be able to articulate exactly what that means to you.
You see, reassurance looks different for everyone, so your partner might feel like they have already been providing you with reassurance, just that their love language is different from yours.
That’s why it’s crucial to figure out exactly what you want and need.
If you’re not sure what reassurance would look like for you, it could help to talk about how you felt when you were in the honeymoon phase of your relationship.
What would you have liked your partner to say or do then?
Now: what also helps is simply talking about your emotions in terms of “I”. Don’t say “you make me feel unwanted”, this will make your partner shut down in defense and close themselves off.
Instead say “When you do X, Y, and Z I perceive it like this and it makes me feel unwanted.” This will sound a lot more vulnerable and make your partner want to help you.
Once you’ve figured out what reassurance means to you, it’s time to communicate this to your partner!
Be sure to tell them exactly how they can reassure you. It can be really vulnerable.
For example: “When we are out with friends, I really feel insecure if I don’t hear from you in the evening. A text saying ‘I love you’ makes me feel so much better and calms me down. I would really appreciate it if you could do that from now on.”
Let your partner know that their reassurances are important for you and that it would mean a lot to have them!
Ask them what reassurance means for them as well, so that both of your needs are met!
2) Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need
While it feels counterintuitive, asking for reassurance doesn’t make you needy.
Actually, it makes you more confident. It shows your partner that you feel safe enough to ask for what you need without shame.
I struggled endlessly with communicating my partner, partially because I was so scared he would run off the second I showed my true feelings.
It’s taken a great deal of self-reflection and healing to let go of my fear of abandonment and trust myself more.
Rudá Iandé is a world famous shaman and educator whose purpose is to help people like you and I let go of those fears and live to our fullest.
His Love and Intimacy Masterclass is one of the best free resources I’ve found that actually sets you up with activities and exercises that make you think, as opposed to just…talking at you.
Letting go of my fear of abandonment and working on healing my anxious attachment style has been critical to helping me build better relationships and giving me the courage to speak up and ask for what I need.
It’s only through sitting down, writing those words and pushing my brain into action that I’ve actually managed to address the trauma I was carrying and how it reflected into my relationship.
So why not let Rudá help you too?
Reassurance doesn’t have to be a one-sided conversation either. In fact, it’s a great opportunity for you to reassure your partner as well!
If your partner is worried about something, or just needs to know you’re there for them, feel free to offer reassurance.
But don’t feel like you can’t ask for reassurance in return, too. Every couple is different and has different needs.
Don’t hesitate to ask for what you need, and you’ll discover that it’s not only helpful to your relationship, but it’s also pretty satisfying!
3) Keep the communication open and honest
The best way to ask for reassurance without sounding needy is by keeping the communication open and honest.
That means talking about your needs and feelings. It means not just asking, but also being open to receiving.
If your partner asks you how they can reassure you, you don’t have to just shrug and say, “I don’t know.”
You can actually be helpful and say, “I would really appreciate it if you checked in with me a little more often.”
You can say, “I would love it if you gave me a call when you’re going to be late.”
And you should be open to doing that for your partner, too. If your partner asks you to do something for them, you should try to do it.
Being open to communication means that you’re not only willing to ask for reassurance, but you’re also open to receiving reassurance from your partner.
And the most important aspect of this is being honest about your feelings.
It doesn’t help either one of you if you act as if you’re okay when in reality, you’re feeling miserable.
4) Make your needs known directly instead of assuming
Before we jump right off into this one, you absolutely need to know for yourself what it is that you’re looking for.
How can your partner ever meet those needs and expectations if you don’t even know what it is that you want?
But I get that it’s easy to get swept away in wanting what everyone else seems to want and getting angry when your partner doesn’t meet the standards you see online.
However, before you get swept up in irrational demands, consider taking a pause or a breather to reset your emotions.
My favorite way to hit reset on my emotions before coming back to my partner and communicating in a healthy manner is through meditating or otherwise distracting myself.
This free 20 minute Self-Healing Meditation is the perfect place to start.
I’m sure you’ve heard the concept of a ‘pause’ when in conflict or discussions with someone, and honestly, this is the best way to make sure you’re not reaction in an explosive or exaggerated manner.
5) Never assume, always communicate
So after hitting that pause button, remember that if your partner has done something that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, you have every right to tell them so.
You don’t have to assume that they know they’ve hurt you. You don’t have to assume that they know they’ve done something that makes you uncomfortable.
If you have a specific need, you have every right to tell your partner.
If you never ask for what you need, or if you try to communicate your feelings indirectly, your partner is going to have a hard time figuring it out.
If you want reassurance, or if you need your partner to change a behavior, don’t assume they know. Be straightforward and clear.
You see, when you doubt your partner because of something they did, don’t jump to conclusions.
Instead, assume the best-case scenario and then talk to them about it.
You can be straightforward and say, “I felt unsafe when you didn’t answer my text right away.”
And if your partner has a hard time understanding how to reassure you, or if they’re making mistakes and don’t know it, be straightforward about telling them.
You don’t have to wait for them to figure it out on their own. You can say, “When I asked for reassurance and your response wasn’t what I needed, it made me feel like I wasn’t safe with you.
Can we talk about how I can ask for reassurance and how you could meet those needs?”
6) Check in with your partner and see how they feel, too
If you’re in a relationship where one person is constantly asking for reassurance, that can start to feel burdensome to the other person.
In fact, it might even cause resentment. Your partner might start to feel like they can’t do anything right, or like they’re constantly disappointing you.
In a relationship, everybody should be checking in with each other. If you’re the one asking for reassurance every 10 seconds, don’t just assume that your partner is cool with that.
Take some time to really get in tune with your partner’s needs. Pay attention to what they’re saying.
When they tell you something, really think about what they mean, and how you can help them.
And if you’re the one constantly receiving reassurance, make sure to let your partner know that you’re grateful for the effort they are putting in and that it’s not left unnoticed.
You see, sometimes, your partner might need reassurance, too!
7) Don’t jump to conclusions; wait until you have all the facts
If your partner is asking for reassurance, or if you’re asking for reassurance from your partner, you both might be feeling pretty anxious and uncertain.
Anxiety can make it really easy to jump to conclusions, and make it seem like your partner’s reassurance is something else.
If your partner tries to reassure you by saying something like, “Everything will be fine,” you might immediately hear that as: “You’re being silly. Nothing bad is going to happen.”
When you’re anxious, it can be really easy to interpret reassurance as something else.
So, even if your partner is just trying to help, it won’t have the effect you want it to have.
If you’re feeling anxious, try to wait until you have all the facts. Give yourself enough time to get some perspective.
This also applies to when you feel like your partner might be doing something shady right now.
Don’t jump to any conclusions before knowing what is truly going on.
By blaming your partner immediately without having all the facts you can do more harm than good.
8) Practice self-care so you can be at your best when you talk
It’s important to practice self-care whether you’re asking for reassurance or receiving it.
If you’re the one giving reassurance, make sure you’re not doing it when you’re at the end of your abilities.
If you’re the one who is receiving reassurance, make sure you don’t wait until you’re at the end of your rope to ask for it.
If you’re feeling anxious or uncertain, it might feel like the worst possible time to ask for reassurance.
But if you wait until you feel calm, you might be waiting forever.
That’s why it’s important to take care of yourself.
Make sure you’re eating healthy meals, exercising, getting enough sleep, and taking care of your mental health.
Waiting until you’re at the top of your game to ask for reassurance is a surefire way to make your partner feel like they can’t help.
However, doing your own work and making sure you feel better about yourself will make the whole process a lot easier, believe me!
9) Speaking from a place of love is the most effective way to reassure someone
Some people believe that the best way to reassure someone is to use logic.
They think that they need to present facts that prove that everything is going to be okay. But when you try to reassure someone with logic, it can feel a little cold and rational.
Instead, ask your partner to be less logical and to approach you with love, instead.
This will help you both communicate better and more lovingly.
You see when you approach your partner and want reassurance, but you blame them and attack them for not providing it for you, they will not be in a place where they want to reassure you.
Instead, they will feel attacked and blamed, and it just won’t be effective.
The best way to get what you want is to approach your partner with love and appreciation for all that they do for you.
This will make them want to give you what you want, which is reassurance.
You will figure it out together
If your relationship with your partner is strong, then you will figure this out together, believe me!
It might feel a bit rough right now, but you will eventually find a solution to your problems!
Asking for reassurance is nothing bad and you will be okay as long as you communicate, trust me!