Sex can be one of life’s best experiences.
Especially if it’s with someone you’re really attracted to and have feelings for.
There are some situations where it gets slightly more complicated, however. And one of those is after you’ve slept with a guy in the heat of the moment and you feel unsure of how to act the next day.
Do you pull back or go all in? Do you stay aloof or let him know you might be interested in more?
In short: is there a right approach for how to act after you sleep with him?
The answer: yes.
There is a smart and a dumb way to act after you’ve been with a guy physically. I’m going to let you know the smart way to act after you sleep with him.
The naked truth: how to act after you sleep with him
Here’s the naked truth:
Sleeping with a guy is a big deal, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. On the other hand, sex isn’t everything.
Many common myths you’ll hear like the idea that a guy will only see you as a sexual object if you sleep with him too fast are, frankly, just untrue.
At the same time, other myths like the idea that you should sleep together whenever you want in order to see if there’s chemistry are also bogus.
The truth lies in between and a fuller understanding of male psychology and biology is the best way to determine how to act after you sleep with him.
If you’ve slept with a guy and worried it was too fast — or are wondering how it will shift the relationship you had before with him — then I have advice for you.
Whether you think you’ve slept with a guy too fast or have other insecurities about what happened, this guide is here to help you know what to do next.
The top 10 tips for how to act after you sleep with him
1) Don’t let physical desire override your common sense
You may have just had the best sex that shook the bed like an earthquake and made you go from an atheist to believing in God.
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You may have just tried positions that you thought only existed in the Kama Sutra.
And if so:
I’m happy for you, I really am. But you need to keep your wits about you.
Right now, during this moment of peak desire after sleeping with him and having a great time is when you can lose all reason and start chasing him like a lovemaking addict.
And even if he’s equally into it as you, I’ll be very frank with you.
If you go loco and chase his sculpted manly body with no restraint, you lose all your power and control in this interaction and whatever may come of it in the future.
2) Be honest about what this guy really wants
You may have only met this guy recently or may be in a longer relationship and just taken the physical portion to the next level.
Either way, you need to be honest about what this guy’s behavior and words are telling you.
Is he mostly getting in touch with you when he’s looking to bonk booties with you or does he talk with you day in and day out regardless of the sex?
If you’ve crossed paths with a player then you’re going to know that in your heart of hearts. Be honest with yourself about who this guy is and the agenda he has with you.
One way to tell if he only wants sex? He only calls or texts at night.
“You might notice that you only really hear from him in the evenings. This is probably because he only wants to see you to hook up and isn’t really interested in pursuing anything else with you.
“Again, this might happen when he’s had a few drinks or is feeling lonely — or in the mood for something else. If he liked you, he would arrange to see you in the daytime and make you feel like part of his life, not just part of his nights.”
3) Look at his behavior as objectively as possible — with help, if necessary
When you’re in the throes of passion it can be hard to take a step and be objective.
For this reason, I recommend getting advice from friends if necessary.
Ask what they think:
Should you call him back the next day or let it ride for a bit?
Did you sleep with him too soon or was it the right choice in the situation?
Is this guy a player or is he boyfriend or husband material?
Do your best analysis on your own but also don’t be afraid to call in the cavalry (in other words, your friends).
4) Remember: sex doesn’t automatically accelerate your relationship
I’m going to get a little judgmental here but remember that I have your best interests at heart.
If you’re like me then you went camping as a youngster and had some fun times with family and friends — and maybe a rainy morning or two where you woke up damp!
But we all know one of the best parts of camping: campfires (and roasting marshmallows, yum).
Sometimes it’s hard to start the fire if the wood isn’t very dry, so you use a firestarter as an accelerant.
See where I’m going with this?
The difference is that sex is not necessarily an accelerant to a relationship.
So if you’ve gone and jumped in bed with this seductive fellow then do your best to realize it’s not necessarily the start to something more serious. There needs to be much more than just sex.
As relationship expert Nick Bastion explains:
“If it doesn’t feel comfortable to be with him, or he doesn’t seem comfortable when he’s with you, that’s a huge obstacle to a deepening relationship and to intimacy forming between you.
“Great, lasting relationships only happen when you can truly be yourself around someone else and they can be themselves around you, without any fear of rejection.”
5) Don’t forget: you don’t need his approval or attraction
Improving yourself is a bet you can’t lose. Even if you only make what seems like a little bit of progress, the effort alone will make you a stronger and happier person.
If you’ve had sex with a guy and enjoyed it, that doesn’t mean that he’s now in charge and you have to run back to him.
Always remember that you are a valuable and worthy woman who sets your own boundaries and calls your own shots. If he wants to see more of you he’ll have to live up to your standards.
You set your limits and decide your life — not him.
Don’t let sex push you off track from your core values. This is especially true if you don’t usually have sex with anyone outside a serious relationship and are feeling guilty or awkward.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to be fine with it. You decide what you’re fine with.
6) Don’t give him your heart too quickly
In the same way that you shouldn’t necessarily run right back to his bed — unless you want to and know that it won’t automatically lead to a relationship — you shouldn’t give him your heart too quickly.
Sex is a profound experience where two become one (thanks, Spice Girls) but it doesn’t always mean more than sex.
If you give him your heart too quickly then he might not value it.
He could also perceive you as desperate or seeking validation, both of which are quite unattractive qualities in a woman or man.
If you jump to get into a relationship too fast it’s generally not going to come across very well and could backfire badly.
Dawson McAllister understands well about the problems of getting into a relationship too fast, writing that:
“Most people I talk to on my show, Dawson McAllister Live, are so anxious to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, sometimes just to feel loved. While it is a great thrill to meet someone you connect with or feel attracted to, don’t let your hunger for love throw you into a situation that is going to distract and hurt you.”
7) Sex doesn’t mean you’ve “got him”
Sex doesn’t mean you’ve “got him” now. And it shouldn’t mean he’s “got you” either.
If you try to use sex as an anchor for commitment or he does that, then it’s going to feel strange and artificial. The next step after sex needs to happen naturally, not through strategy.
Never sleep with a man to try to get him to fall in love with.
If he’s falling for you it’s going to happen either way and sex is not something that needs to happen for him to become fully head-over-heels in love with and committed to you.
Modern society has all sorts of myths about how sex is necessary before love can occur.
That’s false. So if you’ve already slept with him that’s that but just remember it’s not a prerequisite to love and you don’t have any claim on him because of it.
8) Self-doubt is your mortal enemy
Confidence isn’t easy and I’m not going to lie and tell you there’s some magic hack that makes you into Wonder Woman overnight.
However, there are steady and gradual improvements you can make to become the woman of your dreams.
If you want to win a guy’s heart, you need to be confident and keep him working for your affection, as Selma June writes:
“Another important lesson, which is especially useful in long-term relationships, is to never make your man feel overly secure about you.
“No, this doesn’t mean that you should act like an immature teenage girl who is into playing games or play hard to get during your entire relationship.
“However, the truth is that most couples fall into a rut in their long-term relationship. With time, many men start to think that they can never lose their better half: that she’ll always remain theirs, no matter what, and that they don’t have put any more effort when it comes to her.”
9) Remind him of your sexy adventures
The flip side of pursuing him too much and pressuring him after sex is completely withdrawing or acting actively hostile or stand-offish. This will make him feel odd and uncomfortable.
If you’re interested in more with this guy then remind him of your sexy adventures.
Even if you don’t want to sleep with him again in the near future, try not to be ashamed and awkward about the physical intimacy you shared. This will cut off the new connection that’s growing between you too.
Send him beautiful photos (even if they’re just of your face) and keep him in the loop.
In order to seduce a guy in the long term, you need to keep that sex appeal.
“Use your body language to your advantage when seducing him and let him know in no uncertain terms that you’re into him. In addition to making eye contact and smiling, you can face him when you’re speaking with him, or you can lean towards him just a little.”
10) Let him know you want more — but not in a needy way
If you want more don’t be ashamed. Pursue your desire and be direct about it.
You like this guy and you want to see him again? Nothing wrong with that at all.
The key here, however, is mirroring. If he pulls back or seems unsure, don’t keep chasing and pushing. This will just make things worse.
If you’re at the beginning stages of connecting to a guy and you’ve just had sex, you don’t want to be needy or blow up his phone the whole next day.
Play it cool or at least semi-cool. Let him know if you want him but don’t hinge your hopes and expectations on his answer (or lack of an answer).
Concluding thoughts: how to act after you sleep with him
Remember that you deserve something real and that your value is not measured by anybody else.
If you had sex and wish you hadn’t then be honest with him about that and set your boundaries firmly.
If sex was something you’re glad happened and you want more of it — and nothing else — then make sure he knows you’re not looking for love.
If the sex was fine but it’s got you worried that you’re just going to become a booty call, then take things slow.
No guy ever fell out of love because a girl wouldn’t offer herself up to him fast enough, that’s just a Hollywood media myth and a thing that happens with low-quality guys and players (who aren’t worth your time anyway).
Whatever it is that’s happening remember that you deserve respect and mutuality in your intimate life.
I think Herman Hesse described healthy sex in a wonderful fashion in his classic 1922 book Siddhartha:
“So she thoroughly taught him that one cannot take pleasure without giving pleasure, and that every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has its secret, which brings happiness to the person who knows how to wake it.
“She taught him that after a celebration of love the lovers should not part without admiring each other, without being conquered or having conquered, so that neither is bleak or glutted or has the bad feeling of being used or misused.”