How do I defend myself against my narcissistic boyfriend? Ask Evie

Dear Evie. My boyfriend steals my money and will take everything I have to provide for him and his father. They stole my things and lied to the police and told them I had sold them. Cops never want to listen to me. His father beat me and left me with 8 stitches in my head, but cops would not take me to the hospital nor open a case against him. My boyfriend always blames me and defends his father. He would block me when I asked for my money and not speak to me for weeks. Then all of a sudden he would speak to me as he knows I’m too scared to say no when he wants money. I can’t leave I have nowhere to go. 

You’re very brave for reaching out – thank you. Many others will be in a situation similar to yours, and that’s why I’m going to be upfront and say a few things that might be hard to hear:

You need to find a way out. 

Within narcissism, there are different levels. Some narcissists can be dealt with by putting in place strong boundaries, but I don’t believe that this will help you. The fact that money has been stolen, and you’ve received physical violence from your boyfriend’s father, shows that you’re not safe in this relationship. There’s clearly a lack of respect towards you, and you don’t deserve to live in fear or be treated as a cash machine. 

He will not change (no matter how many times he promises he will) so the best thing – if it’s safe to do so – is to cut him off completely. Many women feel they owe it to a relationship to keep trying, especially if they’ve already invested a lot of time and emotion into this person. But honestly, it’s better to cut your losses and move on than stay stuck in an unhappy, unsafe situation. 

I know you’ve mentioned you can’t leave as you have nowhere to go, but there will be resources in your local area to help you. The Samaritans, a women’s refuge, or local domestic abuse charities are good starting points, but as I’m not sure of your location, you’ll need to do some research into the organizations operating in your area.

Give them a call. Just one call to get the ball moving. In doing so, you’ll be reclaiming your personal power and taking an active step in changing your life for the better. It will be nerve-wracking, but you’ve got to do it for yourself. 

And ultimately, you need a strong network around you. Friends and trusted family will be key in helping you remove this man from your life. Don’t be afraid to lean on others – it’s through their strength and support that you’ll find your own strength. 

I wish you well, be strong, and know that you deserve better. 


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Ask Evie

Ask Evie

Evie is on a mission to revolutionize relationships and help you sort through your emotional woes. Her popular column helps readers break free from societal restraints and create empowering relationships - both with their inner selves and with those around them. With a wealth of experience in relationship counseling, backed by several professional certifications, she’s open-minded, big-hearted, and extremely compassionate… But she’ll also be completely honest in telling you the (sometimes) brutal truth, so you can get straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe you’re trying to save a marriage that currently feels like a sinking ship? Or worrying that your new friend isn’t quite as nice as they seem? Perhaps you’ve accidentally killed your partner’s goldfish and are weighing up the pros and cons of going to the pet store and finding a doppelganger, or fessing up? Whatever the dilemma, Evie’s at the ready to help sort through the emotional turmoil and guide you towards the next best step. To get in touch with Evie, click here.

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