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19 different things a man feels when he hurts a woman

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Men do not talk about their feelings.

It’s an unfortunate truth that we just don’t talk to each other about these things, whether it’s our emotions, thoughts, or even physical pain.

But there is one topic that is taboo among both sexes: men hurting women.

What do men feel when they hurt a woman? Do they experience regret? self-loathing? anger? shame?

Here are 19 different things a man might feel when he hurts a woman.

1) He feels the immediate emotional pain of regretting his actions

Ever noticed how he behaves after he says something hurtful? Does his attitude towards you drastically change after hurting you?

Then, suddenly, he’s suddenly apologetic, withdrawn, or cold. It’s not hard to figure out why he feels this way: he acted in a way that he knows will hurt you.

I know the feeling. But why is he hurting you if he’s going to regret it then?

It’s the question you secretly dread.

It’s the question that comes to your head when he says something hurtful. You have to ask yourself: why?

The answer is simple. He doesn’t think before he speaks or acts. He doesn’t know how to control his emotions or deal with them in a healthy way. So, he lashes out at you and then regrets it later on.

But the truth is, you don’t deserve to be hurt. Nobody does. And especially not by the person they love.

But if it happens, it’s important that you realize that it’s not your fault. The reason why your man hurts you is because of his own issues.

2) He feels ashamed that he let his emotions get the best of him

No matter how much we try to control our anger, sometimes it boils over and we say something we regret.

I remember when I was younger, I would say hurtful things to the people I cared about. It was the result of me not knowing how to control my emotions.

I’m not proud of it, but it happened more often than I’d like to admit. When you’re in a bad mood, you just lash out at the people around you because you feel like they’re causing your bad mood.

And guess what?

The same thing could happen to your man. He might be feeling angry, frustrated, or upset and take it out on you.

But that doesn’t excuse him from hurting you. It doesn’t make it right. What he did was wrong and he knows that, which is why he feels ashamed of his actions.

4) He feels the burden of knowing that he caused her pain

This is a really tough one, but it happens more often than you might think.

A woman might have an argument with her man and then feel guilty about what she said or how she acted.

He’s thinking, “I’m so stupid for saying all those horrible things to her! She must be so upset and hurt by all the things I said.”

And you know what? He’s right. He is upset and hurt. He’s probably feeling a deep sense of shame.

And that’s because he knows that he caused her pain, and yet he didn’t do anything to stop himself from hurting her in the first place!

Yes, it’s true that he’s upset but how exactly does he feel burdened after hurting her?

He feels burdened because he knows he’s a man, and men are wired to protect women.

That means that if she’s upset, he feels responsible for making her feel better. And he can’t do that until he learns how to stop doing things that hurt her.

But the truth is, there is no worse feeling than knowing that you have caused your loved one pain.

While the signs in this article will help you understand how a man feels when he hurts a woman, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.

With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice tailored to the specific issues you’re facing in your love life.

Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people navigate complex and difficult love situations, like being confused after hurting a woman. They’re popular because they genuinely help people solve problems. 

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4) He tries to justify his actions

And here’s another way how men deal with this problem – by justifying their actions.

Have you ever seen a man try to justify his bad behavior?

He might say things like, “I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was just trying to make her feel better. I was just trying to be supportive.”

Or, “I didn’t mean to say those things. I just wanted her to be happy.”

Yeah, right…

The truth is that men are wired for action. And actions always have consequences.

It’s impossible for a man not to know that he has hurt someone when he says or does something that causes pain and suffering. It’s impossible not to know if he hurts someone with his words or actions.

Let’s be honest – he’s a bad person, and he knows it deep down.

He’s just in denial about how bad he is. He feels like he can justify his actions or say “I’m not a bad person” because of the natural instinct to protect women.

And that’s why you need to help him realize that this is exactly what he’s doing … again, and again, and again!

5) He blames her for his behavior

Let’s be honest. Men like to blame women.

It makes them feel better to blame us, doesn’t it?

Of course, I’m not saying here that all men blame women. But some men do, and that’s because it feels so good to blame us!

We’ve all been there. It’s a common thing.

He thinks that if she would just change herself, then he wouldn’t have to feel bad about hurting her.

He thinks that if she would just stop doing things that make him feel bad, then he wouldn’t have to hurt her anymore.

And what happens? He hurts her anyway. And then he blames her for his behavior. It’s a vicious cycle!

But does he really believe that it can be her fault?

Actually, he doesn’t. He’s just trying to make himself feel better.

6) He feels the self-loathing of knowing he could have handled the situation better

Sometimes it isn’t the words that hurt; it’s the tone in which they are said or the looks on his face while saying them.

We all know that feeling.

It’s when you think to yourself, “I could have handled myself better. I could have said this in a different way.”

And that’s exactly what he’s telling himself when he feels the self-loathing of knowing he could have handled the situation better.

He knows that he shouldn’t have hurt her, but he also knows that if she would just change herself, then there wouldn’t be a problem.

He feels like a victim, but it’s not his fault! That’s why you need to help him realize this and learn how to apologize.

7) He feels scared that you may never forgive him for what he said or did

OK, I know you’re thinking that this one is pretty obvious, but I’m going to go ahead and say it anyway:

He feels scared that you will never forgive him for what he did.

If you can help him understand that it’s not about him forgiving himself but about you forgiving him, then he’ll be much more likely to apologize.

This is especially true if you haven’t forgiven him yet.


Because it’s scary to him. He doesn’t want to lose you, but he also doesn’t want to lose his pride and self-esteem. He wants to feel like a man again and not a victim.

And I can tell you from personal experience that this is the biggest reason why men don’t apologize when they hurt women.

It’s not their fault! They’re just trying to make themselves feel better! They don’t need your forgiveness!

The result?

You’re left feeling like a victim and he’s left feeling like a hero.

And I know you’ve heard the advice a million times before, but it’s still true:

If you can help him understand that it’s not about him forgiving himself but about you forgiving him, then he’ll be much more likely to apologize. So, if you want to help him apologize, then make sure that he understands that.

8) He feels like a failure as a man

Sounds impressive, right?

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He’s supposed to be strong and powerful. But yet, he feels like a failure as a man when he does something that weakens you.

It’s especially painful for him if he knows that you’re the one who had the problem in the first place and that it was his fault.

So what’s the problem?

It’s hard enough for him to see that he needs to apologize, but now he’s also feeling like a failure.

He doesn’t want to be weak, but the truth is that he can’t help it. He’s been conditioned from childhood that men should be strong, powerful and dominant. The result?  He feels like a failure as a man when he does something that weakens you.

9) He feels angry with himself for saying such a thing

How do you think he feels after hurting you?

Maybe angry at himself for having done so? Maybe angry at you for triggering his anger? Maybe angry at the world for making him feel so angry?

And the truth is, he’s probably feeling all those things.

He may not be able to articulate why he said what he did, but there’s a good chance that he’s angry with himself for saying such a thing.

OK, this one is a little trickier.

He knows that he shouldn’t feel angry with himself for what he did, but yet he does.

And the more he’s angry with himself, the more he’s going to avoid apologizing.

If you want him to apologize, then make sure that he understands that what he did was wrong and hurtful.

10) He’s afraid to make amends because he knows he needs your love and approval

He knows that if he makes amends, then you won’t love him anymore. That’s what he fears most of all!

Think I’m exaggerating?

Then, I’ll walk you through the whole process of how he feels and why he does what he does.

When a man does something wrong, it’s very natural for him to feel guilty and want to make things right.

But when a man wants to make amends, the worst thing that can happen is that his partner doesn’t love him anymore. But why is he afraid?

Because he doesn’t want to lose the love and approval that you give him. But if you can help him realize this, then he will be much more likely to apologize.

11) He feels the weight of his actions

Want to know a secret?

When a man is feeling the weight of his actions, it’s hard for him to apologize. It may be even harder for him to admit that he was wrong. Why?

Because admitting that he was wrong means admitting that he needs help and support. And admitting that he needs help and support means admitting that he can’t take care of himself on his own.

It also means admitting that he needs someone else’s love, approval, and protection — something most men naturally resist as much as possible because they don’t want to depend on anyone else but themselves!

If that’s the case, he will feel the weight of what he has done in his head, heart, and body. And that will make him feel very ashamed and unworthy of love.

12) He feels like he let you down

This one is a little more difficult to understand.

When a man does something wrong, it’s natural for him to feel bad about it. And when he feels bad about it, it’s natural for him to want to make things right again.

But when a man wants to make amends, there’s another feeling that comes up: fear!

He fears that if he makes amends, then you’ll reject him again. And that scares the crap out of him!

The truth is, he doesn’t want to let you down and risk losing your love and approval. He doesn’t want to lose the love, approval, and protection that you give him. And also, he doesn’t want to feel pain.

I’m not talking about the physical pain that a man feels when he hits a woman. I’m talking about emotional and mental anguish.

Good news: once he realizes this, he can make amends without fearing rejection or pain.

13) He doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions

We’ve already talked about this one. It’s also called “blaming the victim.”

Don’t even try to deny it, because I know you’ve noticed it before.

When a man does something wrong, he can’t just admit it and apologize without taking responsibility for his actions. That would mean that he doesn’t have complete control over his actions and words. And that’s not something a man wants to admit to himself or others!

But if he can admit this, then he will take responsibility for his actions and so will you. He will be willing to apologize and make amends because he is willing to take responsibility for the things that went wrong between him and you. And so are you!

14) He feels guilty for hurting you

Guilt is an emotion that a man feels very deeply.

It’s another feeling that men are discouraged from expressing. But guilt is a natural part of being human. It’s not something we should try to suppress.

It’s a feeling that comes up when he knows that he has done something wrong. And the more wrong it is, the deeper the guilt.

This is why a man will feel guilt when he does something wrong.

And you’d be right to be angry with him for hurting you. But you also need to understand that he is feeling guilty because he cares about you and doesn’t want to hurt you.

15) He thinks he did the right thing

When a man does something wrong, he also thinks that what he did was the right thing to do.

He thinks that it was the best choice for him and so right for you. He thinks that it will “help” you or fix things between you.

But can I be totally honest with you?

What he did wasn’t the right thing to do. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was the worst thing to do. And he knows it. But deep down inside – and this is where the guilt comes in – he thinks that what he did was the right thing to do.

16) He’s shocked by his actions

“When I first hit her I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that I had hurt her.”

That’s what my friend told me after hurting the woman he loved.

He didn’t mean it in a bad way, of course. He was just being honest.

So, maybe he didn’t intend to hurt you or be unfair and unfair to you. He didn’t mean any harm and he wasn’t trying to be cruel, insulting or hurtful. But at the moment, when he did it, he couldn’t believe that he was doing it and that it had hurt you so much.

17) He wants to make things better between you as quickly as possible

Have you already noticed him feeling the urge to change his behavior and avoid causing you pain again in the future?

I hope you have.

Because that’s a good thing.

Men don’t like conflict in their relationships. But they also don’t want things to stay the same either – even if it means that they have to make some changes to get them back on track.

To be honest, this is not only because it would hurt you more if he did it again, but also because he cares about you and wants to avoid hurting you again.

Does it make more sense now?

18) He’s afraid of getting in trouble

Many men have a deep fear of being punished.

It can come from their childhood or even from their early adult life. But it’s a fear that they carry with them into their adult life and their relationships with women.

To make matters worse, many of them don’t understand why they are afraid of getting in trouble. They know that it’s not the normal kind of fear that you or I would feel – like being afraid of being attacked by a wild animal.

But, they are afraid nonetheless. And they end up doing things that make them even more afraid and guilty because they think it is the right thing to do.

I know it’s unfortunate, but this is true.

He’s afraid that he’ll be punished for doing something wrong and that the punishment will be too harsh for him to handle.

19) He feels insecure

Believe it or not, many men feel insecure about themselves and don’t understand why.

They know they are good at what they do and that they have many qualities that make them attractive to women. But they have a difficult time accepting this fact.

They believe that women will only be attracted to them because of their physical appearance, not because of the man inside. And, therefore, they end up becoming much more insecure and try to compensate for these feelings by hurting them emotionally.

This is a terrible thing to do, but it happens all the time.

But one thing’s for sure: they’re insecure.

Final words

By now you should have a good idea of how a man feels when he hurts a woman.

So what can you do to resolve this?

I would keeping in touch with a professional coach.

Relationship Hero is where I found this special coach who helped turn things around for me and helped me understand how man feel after hurting a woman.

Relationship Hero is an industry leader in relationship advice for a reason. 

They provide solutions, not just talk. 

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice specific to your situation.

Click here to check them out.

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Written by Nato Lagidze

Nato is a writer and a researcher with an academic background in psychology. She investigates self-compassion, emotional intelligence, psychological well-being, and the ways people make decisions. Writing about recent trends in the movie industry is her other hobby, alongside music, art, culture, and social influences. She dreams to create an uplifting documentary one day, inspired by her experiences with strangers.

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