His secret obsession review (2020): Is it worth it? My verdict

Every product is independently assessed by (obsessive) editors. Products you purchase through our links may earn us a commission (at no extra cost to you).

This is the complete review of His Secret Obsession by James Bauer.

In my comprehensive review of this popular dating book I’ll cover:

  • Who James Bauer is and what his qualifications are
  • What His Secret Obsession is about and what you’ll learn in the book
  • Who His Secret Obsession is for
  • The pros and cons of His Secret Obsession
  • My opinion on whether His Secret Obsession is worth it

So if you want to figure out if His Secret Obsession is worth it for you, you’ll love this review.

We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.

First, who exactly is James Bauer?

James Bauer is a trained psychologist, relationship coach, and well-known author.

Over the past 12 years, he has worked with hundreds and thousands of men and women to help them find love and strengthen their relationships.

He has obsessively studied the psychology of men and women and has distilled all of his knowledge in his book, His Secret Obsession.

What is His Secret Obsession?

His Secret Obsession is James Bauer’s framework for building a successful relationship, from courtship to dating to marriage. It’s available in downloadable PDF or audiobook versions.

This book claims to reveal the tools every woman needs to know to make their man commit with them over the long haul.

The best bit?

It uses evolutionary psychology to uncover the desires of every man in a relationship.

The good news is that His Secret Obsession isn’t your typical relationship book.

As the founder of Hack Spirit, a site on dating and relationships, I’ve read many books on relationships and I honestly thought that this book would be like all the others sprouting cliche advice.

But thankfully, Bauer’s framework is based on sound psychology theory.

More importantly, it also shares practical advice that you can actually use in your dating life.

Here are the issues the book tackles:

– Why so many men don’t want to commit long-term to a relationship, even when they seem happy.
– Why men keep you around even though they don’t want a relationship
– Why men frequently lose interest after sexual passion has worn off

What separates His Secret Obsession from other relationship books is the belief that men are primarily driven by instinctive needs, as a result of evolution.

The kicker?

Men aren’t even consciously aware of these instincts, but they act on them.

What is the “hero instinct?”

James Bauer calls these instincts the hero instinct and says that with a few techniques, any woman can generate these feelings in a man.

Bauer describes three different aspects of the hero instinct.

These are:

– To live life in a meaningful way and for others to appreciate his efforts.
– To be a breadwinner for those he cares about in life so that they can be happy.
– To be respected by his community and peers.

The easiest way to describe the hero instinct is with the following line:

Men want to feel like a hero. And it’s up to you to make them feel that way.

What are the components of His Secret Obsession?

James Bauer’s book has 2 parts and 17 modules.

So you’re adequately informed about what’s in His Secret Obsession, here is exactly what the book covers:

Part 1: The Hero Instinct

This is the biggest evolutionary psychology secret to attract and keep a man.

In this part, you’ll learn what the Hero instinct means, how it’s hard-wired into males, and how you can use the Hero Instinct to attract and a keep man.

There’s a lot of interesting psychology theory in this section. If you’re a woman, it will help you understand men better. Hell, it helped me understand me better!

This is important to digest because it will help you understand the reasoning behind why the techniques you’ll learn in the second section will work.

Part 2: The 12-word secret signal

This module talks about the 12-word text as a trigger phrase that helps to excite and attract a man.

You’ll also learn these practical techniques:

– The Glimpse Phrase
– The Fascination Signal
– Silent Action Signals
– IOU Signal
– Damsel in Distress Signal
– The Private Island Signal
– The Ex-Back Signal

For me, these were the golden nuggets of the book. Learning these techniques will help you deal with men, attract them, and build a relationship with them (if that’s what you’re looking for).

Does it work for all situations?

James Bauer says these techniques work in all stages of courtship and relationship development.

Here are the stages that Bauer’s techniques are designed for:

Attraction stage: Bauer offers techniques to attract a man initially, even if you’ve never met them before.

Dating but falling apart stage: You’ll be given the psychological aspects as to why a man will often pull away in a relationship, particularly in the beginning.

Re-spark stage: You’ll understand why so many men grow cold and techniques to spark back his interest in you.

Ex-back stage: This is a great section for anyone who wants to get their ex back. You’ll get tips to make it seem like it’s an exciting first date again when you meet your ex.

What’s my opinion on the Hero Instinct?

I’ve read a vast amount of books on relationships and dating. I’m particularly interested in evolutionary psychology and how it influences our mindsets.

I know how important it is for men to live a purposeful and meaningful life and to help our close-knit community do the same.

And for me, this is where Bauer’s book hits the right note. He shines a light on the way men truly operate.

He’s applied evolutionary psychology theories specifically to the way men approach dating and relationships and this is why it makes a ton of sense.

In the end, what Bauer argues is quite simplistic. But this is why it works.

After all, psychology research has proven that men want to feel like heroes. It’s in our primal nature.

A man’s psyche feeds off his ego, and Bauer explains how women can tap into this nature to attract the man they want and keep him.

This is why His Secret Obsession is scientifically sound, and best of all, practical.

In the relationships I’ve witnessed and dealt with myself, it’s obvious that all men drive for respect, meaning, and the ability to provide for those we care about.

If a woman can learn how to make a man feel this, then that man will feel complete.

I have no doubt about that.

And as an added benefit for any woman looking to find themselves in a long-term relationship, he’ll be much more likely to remain in the relationship.

He’ll also live a happy and fulfilling life with a woman that makes him feel good.

And when I think about my current girlfriend right now, she makes me feel like this every day.

In fact, that’s probably one of the main reasons we’ve been together for over 2 years (my longest relationship ever!)

How to awaken the hero instinct

Now I’m sure you’re wondering:

James Bauer’s theories sound great, but does the book actually provide practical tips to awaken the hero instinct in your target man?

That’s what I want to talk about in this section, so you can decide if this book is for you.

While His Secret Obsession talks about the Hero Instinct theory in great detail, the best part of the book is the practical strategies you learn.

That’s the whole point, right?

The whole second part of the book is a workbook that gives you techniques you can use in your relationship.

I’ll be honest, most of the relationship books I encounter say a lot of nice and positive things, but they fail to provide practical tips.

This is why I thought this book was quite refreshing.

Now I’m not going to give away what the techniques are that Bauer teaches (that would be a bit unfair to the author, after all), but I will say that they should be easy to practice and implement for any woman.

Here are what the techniques are designed to do. I think they’d do a pretty good job. In fact, my girlfriend naturally does them to me on the regular.

So these techniques will allow you to:

– Get the guy you like to commit to you for a healthy, future relationship.
– Get him to feel more love for you.
– Attract a guy you want or even rekindle a love interest that you’ve previously broken up with.

Now I’ve received some emails from Hack Spirit readers asking if the techniques taught in the book are manipulative type gambits designed to control your object of affection.

The answer is, no, they’re not. Far from it, actually.

The techniques have nothing to do with manipulation or being someone you’re not.

It’s about bringing out your true and best self and showing your man what you desire in a relationship.

In the end, the techniques in the book are about fulfilling your man’s desire for meaning and respect and vice versa for you, too.

It’s a win-win. That’s what I liked most about it.

The bottom line is this:

If you adopt these techniques, your man will feel happier in the relationship, and you will, too.

The result?

A healthier, longer-lasting relationship.

Who is Rachel?

When you first start reading His Secret Obsession, you’ll soon become familiar with someone called Rachel.

It’s one of James Bauer’s clients who sought his advice because she was struggling in her relationship.

She told James that she didn’t want to text or call her man because she didn’t want to seem needy.

I’m sure we’re all familiar with a situation like this.

What’s interesting is that Bauer gave her a brilliant 12-word formula to text her boyfriend.

What happened?

He came crawling back to Rachel.

James was pretty damn happy that this turned out so well for Rachel.

But he didn’t want to stop there.

He knew he could help others with the same tricks and strategies, so that’s why he created His Secret Obsession.

The best bit?

James reveals this 12-word formula in the last section of the book.

As a man, what did I think of His Secret Obsession?

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not Jame’s Bauer’s intended audience.

But that’s why I can be non-biased in my review of his book.

Now I’ve already told you that I agree with the central premise of the book: That men have an instinct to be the hero, the protector, and the breadwinner for their loved ones.

Now a criticism I can already see coming my way is that:

“This isn’t the Hunter and Gatherer days, Lachlan.” “Stop being sexist; you need to wake up and realize we’re in modern society now. Men don’t need to be heroes. They don’t need to be breadwinners. We all need to be equal. Humans are much more advanced these days.”

While this may be the case, the truth about who we are as humans haven’t changed.

We’re all operating with the same machinery as we did in the Hunter and Gatherer days. We’re run by the same instincts.

As men, we want a woman to desire us, to need us, and to respect us.

This is clear. I can feel this motivation inside me every single day.

And to be honest, the book explains this in excellent detail. After all, it’s 200 pages long, and there isn’t an ounce of fluff. This book hits the nail on the head in my opinion.

So, as a man, do I think a woman can get a lot out of this?

The answer is yes, but with one caveat.

You need to be open to the ideas that James is talking about. If you’re closed-minded and believe that the world and relationships only work in “this way,” then you simply won’t get much out of this book.

James Bauer’s book is different from other relationships because he tells it how it is.

Through extensive research, he knows how men work and how women can use that to their advantage.

You, too, can use it to your advantage. But you need to understand it first, which means that you need to be open to it.

Now that I’ve talked about what the psychology framework of the Hero Instinct is, I want to summarize the pros and cons of his book so you can honestly decide if it’s for you.

And I’ve gotta be honest, there was a lot I like, but some negatives that you need to be aware of as well.

Let’s start with what I liked.

The pros

1. It’s much better than other dating books I’ve come across.

You know how the typical dating books go. Be sweet, look good, make sure you’re confident and you’ll get your man in no time.

This all sounds great, but it’s not exactly practical is it?

With His Secret Obsession, it’s different.

This book talks about real psychology and how men think.

What’s more, it has an immense amount of detail and strategies. This will be the only dating book you’ll need if you play your cards right.

It will teach you how to approach men, how to deal with them, and, most importantly, how to build a successful, long-lasting relationship.

That’s what we all want, right?

I even learned a lot about myself and why my current girlfriend makes me so happy.

2. I love the fact it discusses the importance of communication in the relationship

The great thing about His Secret Obsession is the focus it puts on communication in a relationship.

As the founder of Hack Spirit, a blog on relationships, I’ve studied the mastery of successful relationships for many years.

And the one consistent theme I come across is the importance of healthy communication.

His Secret Obsession understands this, and that’s why he provides many effective tools to communicate with your man.

These “communication hacks” will not only help you communicate your true feelings, but it will also make him feel better as well. Win-win.

After all, the “trigger words and phrases” James teaches are designed to attract men, strengthen relationships, create physical chemistry, and hack a man’s attention.

2. It’s a very practical book

For me, this is the most important factor for anything you’re going to spend money on. It has to offer techniques you can use in your daily life.

And you’ll be pleased to know that His Secret Obsession does precisely that.

I think this is because Bauer has worked with so many people over the years that he knows what techniques work and what don’t.

If you regularly practice the techniques Bauer teaches, I have no doubt that you’ll become a communication genius with men.

But you do need to put in the time required to learn them and then practice them.

3. The psychology theories are based n research

James doesn’t skimp on the science. Everything he talks about is backed up by research.

This is really important to me, and to any product I’ll even think about recommending. It simply must be backed by research.

This means that you can trust what he is saying and trust that the practical techniques he advises to use work.

4. It’s straightforward to access

It’s an eBook, meaning you can access it immediately. You don’t have to wait in the mail for it.

5. It’s very clear and easy to understand

I may have given the impression that the book isn’t exactly easy to understand because of the science and research that has gone into it.

But James Bauer writes in a way that’s engaging and easy to understand.

He has a way of simplifying complex topics into clear, concise language that anyone could understand.

Not only does this make it easy to understand, but you’ll be able to easily implement the communication techniques he talks about as well.

6. You can get your money back if you aren’t satisfied

Yep, you read that right.

There’s a 60-day money-back guarantee, meaning that you can’t lose by giving it a shot.

The cons of His Secret Obsession

1. There is no paperback version

Many people only read physical books.

In this case, Your Secret Obsession is an eBook so you can only access it on your phone, computer, or tablet.

You can also access the audio, where I found his voice to be confident and calm, but you can’t get a paperback version of it.

2. Sometimes I wished he’d expand further on some of his theories

His Secret Obsession talks about some very interesting psychology theories but in my opinion, doesn’t talk about them in enough detail.

The problem is, James will mention an interesting theory but then move quickly onto something else. It doesn’t ruin the practicality of the book, but it bugged me a little.

Is this course for you?

Now don’t get me wrong:

Not everyone will get their bang for the buck with this program.


Because they won’t put the necessary work in.

You need to fully take in what James is teaching, understand the techniques, and then actually try them on your target man.

And you can’t just stop there. You need to refine the techniques and get better at using them in the right situation.

For those who are willing to do that, I have no doubt that His Secret Obsession can be life-changing.

But for those who aren’t ready to put the work in, I don’t recommend buying.

Jame’s philosophy is about maximizing your relationships using tried and true psychology concepts that are coupled with action to bring out the desired emotion in your man.

It really is a great combination.

So, if you’re wondering if His Secret Obsession is for you, you should definitely consider the course if:

  • You have patterns of failure with relationships, and want to uncover reasons why it keeps happening
  • You are struggling with being single and you want to learn how to attract men more easily
  • Men seem to lose interest in you and you don’t understand why
  • You want to strengthen your current relationship and add passion and excitement.
  • You want to learn more about men and how they perceive the world around them

Jame’s knowledge about evolutionary psychology and relationships might be immense but his program is all about bringing these mind hacks and teachings closer to everyday people.

Which is awesome for you and me.

The best thing about this course is that it will strengthen your relationships with men, whether or not you have a specific problem.

Alright, so is Secret Obsession worth it?

So if you’re a woman and you’re thinking about purchasing it, do I think it’s worth it for you to do so?

The answer is yes.


Because you’ll learn a hell of a lot about male psychology, and you’ll also learn practical techniques that you can apply to your everyday life.

I can say hands down that if you are open to the ideas, and you try to actively learn what he is saying, then it will benefit you.

Therefore, the price tag of $47 seems almost a bargain.

I know it’s not pocket change, but when you consider all the actionable tips you get out of it, I think it’s a no-brainer.

I learned a lot myself, and I can only imagine how much a woman would learn.

If you are struggling to get a man to commit to you, or even attract a man in the first place, then I think His Secret Obsession could be very beneficial to you.

Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the editor of Ideapod and founder of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you to want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Be the first to comment on this article at Ideapod Discussions

Back to Top

Like this article? Get more like this in your email inbox. Twice weekly.