His Secret Obsession Review: A 39 y/o Single Man’s Verdict

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It’s not every day that someone offers radically new relationship advice.

But that’s exactly what James Bauer does in His Secret Obsession.

He introduces a new concept in relationship psychology that’s generating a lot of buzz at the moment: the hero instinct.

I’m a guy so His Secret Obsession obviously isn’t aimed at me.

However, something VERY surprising happened to me when I read His Secret Obsession. I realized that the hero instinct hits the nail on the head as to why I’m 39 and single.

In my epic His Secret Obsession review I’ll cover:

  • What His Secret Obsession is about
  • Who the book can help
  • What it taught a 39 year old single man who is looking for love
  • My verdict on whether it’s worth your time and money.

We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.

What is His Secret Obsession?

His Secret Obsession by James Bauer is a powerful relationship guide available in PDF or audiobook versions.

As well as the main book, which contains dozens of secrets, tips, and case studies, you also gain instant access to bonus materials and a workbook.

For me, the best thing about His Secret Obsession is that it uses evolutionary psychology to reveal what really drives men in relationships.

I think the following women can benefit most from this book:

  • You’re single and want to learn how to attract men more easily
  • Men seem to lose interest in you and you don’t understand why
  • You want to add passion and excitement to your current relationship
  • You’re still in love with your ex and want to get him back.

What separates His Secret Obsession from other relationship books on the market is the argument that men are primarily driven by instinctive needs, which are the result of biology and evolution.

The kicker?

Most men aren’t even consciously aware of these instincts, even though they act on them all the time.

The main one James Bauer talks about is the hero instinct.

Check Out His Secret Obsession (Official Website)

The hero instinct

The easiest way to describe the hero instinct is this:

In a relationship, men want to feel like your hero. And it’s up to you to make them feel that way.

Visualize a caveman brandishing a club in one hand at a predator, while shielding you gently with his other hand.

This dynamic (if extremely silly) scenario is the hero instinct in full flow.

Even in 2020, men have a deeply-rooted urge to provide for and protect women, and to be appreciated for their efforts.

They are biologically programmed to want to step up to the plate for you.

And they will only seek out a relationship (or stay in one) with a woman who can fulfill this need.

Learning about the hero instinct was a game changer for me. Because it perfectly explains my own lifetime of relationship failure.

Here’s why.

What’s my story

Let’s cut to the chase: I am a straight man. His Secret Obsession isn’t aimed at me.

So why am I writing this review?

Because reading this book revealed some powerful insights about my own biology. It also held a mirror up to my own lifetime of relationship failure.

I’m 39. I’m single. And yes, I’m looking for love.

I’ve also been an emotionally unavailable man my whole life.

The thing is most emotionally unavailable men don’t like hurting people. That’s why we avoid intimacy in the first place.

My relationships with women involved everything from ‘best friends with benefits’ to being ‘partners in crime’.

In hindsight, I’ve always needed more.

Learning about the hero instinct was my “aha” moment.

For years, I wasn’t able to put a finger on why I would get cold feet, struggle to open up to women, and fully commit to a relationship.

Now I realize that my commitment issues stem from the fact that the hero instinct was never triggered in me.

The simple truth is for a man to become emotionally available, he needs to feel like he’s a protector and provider. He wants to step up for the woman in his life. And she needs to let him.

Since I discovered the hero instinct, I’ve written extensively about the hero instinct and other key biological drivers of male behavior on

I also know how important it is for men to live purposeful and meaningful lives. This is where James Bauer’s book hits the right note. He shines light on the way men truly operate.

By applying evolutionary psychology to the way men approach their relationships, I think James offers a truly unique perspective that you won’t get anywhere else.

He certainly delivered several brutal home truths to me as to why I’m 39 and still single.

<<Watch James Bauer’s excellent free video about the hero instinct here>>

Who is James Bauer?

James Bauer is the best-selling author of His Secret Obsession. He is also a psychologist and popular relationship coach.

Over the past 12 years, he has worked personally with hundreds of men and women to help them find love and strengthen their relationships.

During this time he obsessively studied the psychology of men and what really drives them in relationships. All of this knowledge was distilled into His Secret Obsession.

After reading the book and delving deeper into his background, I know that James Bauer is the real deal when it comes to relationship advice.

I know women don’t need a hero, but…

You probably think that you don’t need a hero in your life.

And I couldn’t agree more.

In 2020, society has evolved past crude gender stereotypes. Women can change a tire, open their own jars, and generally fend for themselves in life.

We’re not in the hunter gatherer days where men need to protect women from wild animals and neighboring tribes.

But this isn’t what the hero instinct is about.

What James Bauer is saying is that the biology of men remains unchanged.

While women may not need a hero in their lives, this doesn’t mean men still don’t want to feel like one.

Even today, the hero instinct is still very much the driving factor for men in their romantic relationships. So it’s essential that women understand what it means and how they can use it to their advantage.

Who can benefit from this book?

His Secret Obsession is for women who want proven techniques to get men to commit to them. It’s that simple.

If you’re a woman who has been burned by dating in the past — be it by a man who ghosted you or maybe got cold feet later into the relationship — then His Secret Obsession will help you avoid this happening again.

Or if you’re currently in a relationship, but you want to make it better, then you will also benefit from what James Bauer is teaching.

Understanding the hero instinct can be a powerful tool for many women.

Not only will your relationship rocket to the next level, but you will make your guy feel better about himself.

By triggering the hero instinct in him, you’re giving him a sense of meaning and purpose.

Something which all men need.

Because the hero instinct speaks to the built in desire men posses for something in life that goes beyond sex and even love.

I think empowering your partner to be the best version of themselves is one of the truly great things about being in love.


A look inside the book

The main His Secret Obsession book is broken down into 2 parts.

Here’s an overview of what you’ll get.

The hero instinct

James Bauer introduces the hero instinct in the first part of the book. He calls it the biggest secret in evolutionary psychology and the key to attracting and keeping a man.

You’ll learn what the hero instinct really means, how it’s hardwired into men, and how you can use it to make your man throw himself into your relationship.

The practical strategies

In the second part of the book, James Bauer reveals exactly what you need to do to trigger the hero instinct in your man.

For me, these tips and techniques were the golden nuggets of the book. Because it’s your ‘blueprint’ for actually applying what you learned at the start of the book.

James Bauer says his strategies work in all stages of a relationship, including the:

  • Attraction stage: James offers specific techniques to initially attract a man.
  • Dating but falling apart stage: Discover why men will often pull away in relationships, particularly in the early stages (and what you can do about it).
  • Re-spark stage: Learn why so many men get cold feet in a relationship and the specific techniques to spark back his interest in you.
  • Ex-back stage: This is a great section for anyone who wants to get their ex back. You’ll get tips to make it seem like it’s the exciting initial stages of dating when you meet your ex again.

<<Watch James Bauer’s excellent free video about the hero instinct here>>

The pros of His Secret Obsession

While there was a lot I liked about His Secret Obsession, there were a few negatives that you need to be aware of too.

Let’s start with what I liked.

1. Best relationship book I’ve read

You know how typical relationship advice goes. Be sweet, look good, make sure you’re confident, and you’ll get your man in no time.

This all sounds great, it doesn’t exactly work in the real world.

His Secret Obsession is different.

James Bauer talks about real psychology and the biological basis for male behavior. And it’s generating a lot of positive reviews for doing so.

What’s more, it’s full of practical strategies that you can start using immediately. This will be the only dating book you’ll ever need if you follow the advice in the book.

2. Emphasizes communication

The great thing about His Secret Obsession is the focus it puts on communication.

As the founder of Ideapod, I’ve studied the science behind successful relationships for many years. And the one consistent theme I come across is the importance of healthy communication.

The book acknowledges the reality that men and women have different communication styles. And it empowers women to use this knowledge to communicate in a way that their partner is more receptive to.

3. The tips are practical

Will this make my life better? That’s the first question I ask myself whenever I consider buying something online.

I think His Secret Obsession is a very practical book that can have an immediate impact on any relationship.

James Bauer has worked with thousands of couples as a relationship psychologist. He knows what techniques work and what don’t.

If you put what he teaches into action, I have no doubt that you’ll see a massive improvement in your own love life.

4. The psychology is real

James Bauer doesn’t skimp on the science and everything he talks about is backed up by the latest research.

This is really important to me. It’s my deciding factor when it comes to recommending a book. It simply must be backed by evidence.

5. Clear and easy to understand

However, I don’t want to give the false impression that the book isn’t easy to understand because of the research he’s done.

James Bauer writes in a way that’s engaging and easy to follow. He has a way of simplifying complex topics into clear language that anyone can grasp.

Not only does this make the book easy to read, but you’ll also be able to easily implement the techniques he talks about.

6. Money back guarantee

His Secret Obsession has a 60-day money-back guarantee. This means that you can’t really lose by giving it a shot.

Check Out His Secret Obsession (Official Website)

The cons of His Secret Obsession

1. No paperback version

Many people only read physical books.

In this case, Your Secret Obsession won’t be ideal for you. It only comes as an eBook or audiobook.

2. I wished he’d expand further on some of his theories

While His Secret Obsession raises some very interesting theories, he doesn’t talk about some of them in enough detail for me.

For instance, James will bring up a fascinating theory but then move quickly onto another one. As a psychology geek, it bugged me a little.

3. Are all men the same?

In some ways, James Bauer paints all men with the same brush.

Men certainly have common traits and he hits the nail on the head with the hero instinct and the desire for all men to step up for the woman in his life.

Yet there are important differences in men which affects how we approach our relationships. James doesn’t delve into these a lot.

Is this book right for you?

Not every woman will get a bang for their buck with His Secret Obsession.


Because not everyone will be open to James Bauer’s advice. For the book to be most effective, you have to understand what James Bauer is saying and actually try out his tips and techniques with your guy.

So the book isn’t a magic bullet in that regard.

You won’t be able to read 2 pages, try one thing, and instantly create the perfect relationship.

However, for those who are willing to do a bit more work, I have no doubt that His Secret Obsession can be life-changing.

His Secret Obsession review: Final verdict

I don’t recommend a lot of books on Ideapod but I also haven’t come across many as unique as His Secret Obsession.

Not only will you learn a lot about male psychology, you’ll also discover practical tips and techniques that you can apply in everyday life with your guy.

And it’s not every day I review a book designed for women that nevertheless teaches me a lot about myself (and my own shortcomings as a man).

The book, including all the bonus material, is currently on sale for $47. While this isn’t peanuts, I think it’s great value for all that you get.

If you want to learn about what really drives men in their relationships, His Secret Obsession is the most complete book out there for doing this.

<<Watch James Bauer’s excellent free video about the hero instinct here>>

Written by Justin Brown

I'm Justin Brown, the founder of Ideapod. I've overseen the evolution of Ideapod from a social network for ideas into a publishing and education platform with millions of monthly readers and multiple products helping people to think critically, see issues clearly and engage with the world responsibly.

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