His Secret Obsession review: A 39 y/o single man gives his verdict

Review of His Secret Obsession

Our Verdict

His Secret Obsession is currently the most popular dating guide for women available online. Now I know why. The book reveals the surprising truth about what really drives men in romantic relationships.

If you want to find out whether this book is right for you, read my comprehensive review below.

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It’s not every day that radically new advice hits the dating market. But that’s exactly what His Secret Obsession by James Bauer offers.

The book introduces a new concept in relationship psychology: the hero instinct.

James Bauer argues that triggering this instinct is the answer to getting men to commit to women — helping you lock down a deep, passionate and long-lasting relationship.

And something VERY surprising happened to me when I read His Secret Obsession. I realized that it explains so much about my own lifetime of relationship failure.

I’m a 39 year old single man. And the book hit the nail on the head as to why I’ve been emotionally unavailable to women my whole life.

In my ultimate His Secret Obsession review I’ll cover:

  • What you’ll learn from His Secret Obsession
  • Who the book can help
  • How the hero instinct revealed to me why I’m 39 and still single.
  • The pros and cons of the book
  • My verdict on whether it’s worth your time and money.

Let’s get started.

What is His Secret Obsession?

His Secret Obsession is James Bauer’s framework for building a successful relationship, from the initial attraction phase to dating to marriage. It’s available in downloadable PDF or audiobook versions.

As well as the main book, which contains dozens of secrets, tips, and case studies, you also gain instant access to bonus materials and a workbook.

The best thing about the book for me is that uses evolutionary psychology to uncover what really drives men in romantic relationships.

This means that His Secret Obsession isn’t your typical relationship guide.

I’ve read many books on dating and relationships and I feared going in that this would be like all the others sprouting cliche advice.

Thankfully, Bauer’s framework is based on real psychology. It also shares extremely practical tips and strategies that you can actually use in your own dating life.

Here are the main issues the book tackles:

  • Why so many men don’t want to commit long-term to a relationship, even when they seem happy with you
  • Why men keep you around even though they don’t want a relationship
  • Why men frequently lose interest after the initial passion has worn off

What separates His Secret Obsession from other relationship books is the argument that men are primarily driven by instinctive needs, which are the result of biology and evolution.

The kicker?

Most men aren’t even consciously aware of these instincts, even though they act on them all the time.

I certainly wasn’t aware of them, even though it explains perfectly why I’ve never been able to make a relationship work.

The hero instinct

The central claim made by James Bauer is that men are driven by the hero instinct. And with a few simple techniques, any woman can trigger this instinct and generate feelings of love and attraction in their man.

The easiest way to describe the hero instinct is this:

In a relationship, men want to feel like your hero. And it’s up to you to make them feel that way.

Visualize a caveman brandishing a club in one hand at a dangerous predator, while shielding you gently with his other hand.

This dynamic (if a little silly) scenario is the hero instinct in full flow.

Even in 2020, men have a deeply-rooted urge inside to feel provide for and protect women, and to be appreciated for their efforts.

They are biologically programmed to protect you. It’s embedded in their DNA and they will only seek out a relationship (or stay in one) with a woman who can fulfill this need.

Who is James Bauer?

James Bauer is a psychologist, relationship coach, and well-known author.

Over the past 12 years, he has worked personally with hundreds of men and women to help them find love and strengthen their relationships.

He has obsessively studied the psychology of men and women and has distilled all of his knowledge into his latest book, His Secret Obsession.

After reading this book and reading more about the background of James Bauer, I know that he’s the real deal when it comes to relationship advice.

My personal experience reading His Secret Obsession

Let’s cut to the chase: I am a straight man. His Secret Obsession isn’t aimed at me.

So why am I writing this review?

Because reading this book revealed some powerful insights about my own biology. And it held a mirror up to my own lifetime of relationship failure.

I’m 39. I’m single. And yes, I’m still looking for love.

I’ve also been an emotionally unavailable man my whole life. Check out my video above where I talk about it. Or you can read my article about it here.

I now realize it’s because the hero instinct was never triggered in me.

My relationships with women involved everything from ‘best friends with benefits’ to being ‘partners in crime’.

In hindsight, I’ve always needed more.

Learning about the hero instinct was my “aha” moment.

For years, I wasn’t able to put a finger on why I would get cold feet, struggle to open up to women, and fully commit to a relationship.

The simple truth is for a man to become emotionally available, he needs to feel like he’s a protector and provider. He wants to step up to the plate for the woman in his life. And she needs to let him do this without trying to control him.

This has never happened to me. I’ve never felt like a “hero” in any of my relationships.

Since I discovered the hero instinct, I’ve written extensively about the hero instinct and other key biological drivers of male behavior on ideapod.com.

I know how important it is for men to live purposeful and meaningful lives. This is where James Bauer’s book hits the right note. He shines light on the way men truly operate.

By applying evolutionary psychology to the way men approach their relationships, I think James offers a truly unique perspective that you won’t get anywhere else.

He certainly delivered several brutal home truths to me as to why I’m 39 and still single.

I know women don’t need a hero, but…

No one is saying that women need a hero to take care of them. Today women can change a tire, open their own jars, and generally fend for themselves in life.

We’re not in the hunter gatherer days where men need to protect women from wild animals and neighboring tribes. And in 2020, society has evolved past crude gender stereotypes.

What James Bauer is saying is that the biology of men remains unchanged.

Women’s dating strategies need to adapt to recognize that. And the best way is to understand what really drives men.

While women may not need a hero in their lives, this doesn’t mean men still don’t want to feel like one.

Even in 2020, this urge is still very much the driving factor for men in their romantic relationships. And it’s essential that women understand what it means and how they can use it to their advantage.

Who can benefit from this book?

His Secret Obsession is for women who want proven techniques to get men to commit to them. It’s that simple.

If you’re a woman who has been burned by dating in the past—be it by a man who ghosted you, or maybe got cold feet later into the relationship— then His Secret Obsession will help you avoid this happening again.

Or if you’re currently in a relationship, but you want to make it better by truly understanding what’s driving him, then you will also benefit from it.

Understanding the hero instinct can be a powerful tool for many women. Not just to forge a better relationship, but as a way to make your guy feel better about himself.

Not only will your relationship rocket to the next level, but you will make your guy feel better about himself.

By triggering this instinct in him, you’re giving him a sense of meaning and purpose.

Something which all men need.

Because the hero instinct speaks to the built in desire men posses for something in life that goes beyond sex and even love.

I think empowering your partner to be the best version of themselves is one of the truly great things about being in love.

A look inside the book

The main His Secret Obsession book is broken down into 2 parts and 17 modules.

Here’s an overview of what you’ll get.

Part 1: The hero instinct

Here, James Bauer introduces the hero instinct. He calls it the biggest secret in evolutionary psychology and the key to attracting and keeping a man.

You’ll learn what the hero instinct really means, how it’s hardwired into men, and how it can help you in your relationship with a man.

Part 2: The practical strategies

In the second part of the book, James Bauer reveals the tips and techniques you need to trigger the hero instinct in your guy.

This section is your ‘blueprint’ for applying the theory you learned at the beginning. For me, these tips and techniques were the golden nuggets of the book.

James Bauer says his strategies work in all stages of a relationship, including the:

  • Attraction stage: James offers specific techniques to initially attract a man.
  • Dating but falling apart stage: Discover why men will often pull away in relationships, particularly in the early stages (and what you can do about it).
  • Re-spark stage: Learn why so many men get cold feet in a relationship and the specific techniques to spark back his interest in you.
  • Ex-back stage: This is a great section for anyone who wants to get their ex back. You’ll get tips to make it seem like it’s the exciting initial stages of dating when you meet your ex again.

The pros of His Secret Obsession

There was a lot I liked about His Secret Obsession, but there were a few negatives that you need to be aware of too.

Let’s start with what I liked.

1. Better than other dating books

You know how typical dating books go. Be sweet, look good, make sure you’re confident and you’ll get your man in no time.

This all sounds great, it doesn’t exactly work in the real world, right?

His Secret Obsession is different.

This book talks about real psychology and how men think. And it’s generating a lot of positive reviews for doing so.

What’s more, it’s full of practical strategies that you can start using immediately. This will be the only dating book you’ll ever need if you follow the advice in the book.

2. Emphasizes the importance of communication

The great thing about His Secret Obsession is the focus it puts on communication.

As the founder of Ideapod, I’ve studied the science behind successful relationships for many years. And the one consistent theme I come across is the importance of healthy communication.

The book acknowledges the reality that men and women have different communication styles. And it empowers women to use this knowledge to communicate in a way that is more receptive to their partner.

3. The tips are practical

Will this make my life better? That’s the first question I asked myself whenever I consider buying something online.

I think His Secret Obsession is a very practical book that can have an immediate impact on any relationship.

James Bauer has worked with thousands of couples as a relationship psychologist. He knows what techniques work and what don’t.

If you put the techniques Bauer teaches into action, I have no doubt that you’ll see a massive improvement in your own love life.

4. The psychology is based on meticulous research

James Bauer doesn’t skimp on the science and everything he talks about is backed up by research.

This is really important to me. It’s my deciding factor when it comes to recommending a book. It simply must be backed by evidence.

5. Clear and easy to understand

However, I don’t want to give the false impression that the book isn’t easy to understand because of the research he’s done.

But James Bauer writes in a way that’s engaging and easy to follow. He has a way of simplifying complex topics into clear, concise language that anyone can grasp.

Not only does this make the book easy to read, but you’ll also be able to easily implement the techniques he talks about.

6. You can get your money back if you aren’t satisfied

His Secret Obsession has a 60-day money-back guarantee. This means that you can’t really lose by giving it a shot.

The cons of His Secret Obsession

1. There is no paperback version

Many people only read physical books.

In this case, Your Secret Obsession won’t be ideal for you. It only comes as an eBook or audiobook.

2. I wished he’d expand further on some of his theories

While His Secret Obsession raises some very interesting theories, he doesn’t talk about some of them in enough detail for me.

For instance, James will bring up a fascinating theory but then move quickly onto another one. As a psychology geek, it bugged me a little.

Is this book right for you?

Not everyone will get a bang for their buck with His Secret Obsession.


Because not everyone will be open to James Bauer’s advice. For the book to be most effective, you need to take in what James is teaching, understand his techniques for triggering the hero instinct, and then actually try them out on your guy.

So the book isn’t a magic bullet in that regard.

You won’t be able to read 2 pages, try one thing, and instantly create the perfect relationship.

However, for those who are willing to do a bit more work, I have no doubt that His Secret Obsession can be life-changing.

If you’re still wondering whether His Secret Obsession is right for you, I think the following women can benefit most from it:

  • You have patterns of failure in relationships and want to uncover the reasons why it keeps happening
  • You’re single and you want to learn how to attract men more easily
  • Men seem to lose interest in you and you don’t understand why
  • You want to strengthen your current relationship and add passion and excitement.
  • You simply want to learn more about men and what drives them romantically.

His Secret Obsession review: Final verdict

I don’t recommend a lot of books on Ideapod but I also haven’t come across many as unique as His Secret Obsession.

Not only will you learn a lot about male psychology, you’ll also discover practical tips and techniques that you can apply in everyday life with your guy.

And it’s not every day I review a book designed for women that nevertheless teaches me a lot about myself (and my own shortcomings as a man).

The book, including all the bonus material, is currently on sale for $47. While this isn’t peanuts, I think it’s great value for all that you get.

If you want to learn about what really drives men in their relationships, His Secret Obsession is the most complete book out there for doing this.

Justin Brown

Justin Brown

I'm Justin Brown, the founder of Ideapod. I've overseen the evolution of Ideapod from a social network for ideas into a publishing and education platform with millions of monthly readers and multiple products helping people to think critically, see issues clearly and engage with the world responsibly.

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