Help! My wife’s post-baby body has killed my sex drive

After two pregnancies, I feel awful but the sexual attraction I used to feel towards my wife isn’t there anymore. She used to be happy and enthusiastic and fit and really up for anything, but she didn’t really ‘bounce’ back from either pregnancy and is now a shell of the person she used to be. She doesn’t work (she had our second baby a few months ago and the birth was pretty rough), and doesn’t show any inclination to start again. I’ve tried to get her motivated to get up and out the house and do things, but all she wants to do is stay indoors, in slouchy dirty clothes. She cries alot. She doesn’t exercise anymore, and washing herself happens infrequently. I feel horrible admitting this but I started losing my attraction to her sometime ago and am not sure what to do next. I think she’s an amazing person but I’m struggling with the fact that I feel like I’m living with a stranger who has next to no libido and am starting to worry about the future of our marriage. Do you have any recommendations or is this too far gone?

Thank you for your send in, but let’s take a moment to be real here. Your wife isn’t a fancy car that lost its shine and purr after a few rough rides. She’s a human being who went through two pregnancies, two births, and is now raising your children. The fact that your first instinct is to complain about her appearance and lack of libido seems short-sighted and if I’m honest, really quite selfish.

Right now, your wife is likely exhausted, overwhelmed, and dealing with a body that feels entirely foreign to her. Even more than it seems foreign to you. “Bouncing back” after pregnancy is a highly profitable myth sold to vulnerable women by magazines. The reality is sleepless nights, hormonal chaos, and a body that has been hell and back. Now, likely more than ever, she needs your support – not your judgment.

Instead of focusing on your lost attraction, how about you step up and be the partner your wife desperately needs right now? Get your hands dirty (probably literally), change some diapers, clean the house, and give her a break to shower without having to worry about a screaming baby. And please, for everybody’s sake, stop expecting her to jump back into your bed like a Playboy bunny.

Your wife is more than a body, she’s the mother of your children and the person you vowed to love “in sickness and in health.” Start appreciating the incredible woman in front of you, and put in the work to rebuild your connection.

If you can’t handle the reality of what postpartum looks like, then maybe marriage isn’t for you. But if you’re willing to grow up, be a man, and support your wife through this, then you might just find that your love is stronger than you ever imagined.

Good luck,

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Ask Evie

Evie is on a mission to revolutionize relationships and help you sort through your emotional woes. Her popular column helps readers break free from societal restraints and create empowering relationships - both with their inner selves and with those around them. With a wealth of experience in relationship counseling, backed by several professional certifications, she’s open-minded, big-hearted, and extremely compassionate… But she’ll also be completely honest in telling you the (sometimes) brutal truth, so you can get straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe you’re trying to save a marriage that currently feels like a sinking ship? Or worrying that your new friend isn’t quite as nice as they seem? Perhaps you’ve accidentally killed your partner’s goldfish and are weighing up the pros and cons of going to the pet store and finding a doppelganger, or fessing up? Whatever the dilemma, Evie’s at the ready to help sort through the emotional turmoil and guide you towards the next best step. To get in touch with Evie, click here.

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