He treats me like a girlfriend but won’t commit – 15 possible reasons why

There could be a lot of reasons why a man treats you like a girlfriend but won’t commit.

You’ve always wanted to ask him, but his possible answers scare you. But maybe you did, and his answers were vague, or he would try to dodge the question.

Since we can’t read his mind, here are 15 possible reasons why he treats you like a girlfriend but won’t commit.

1) He enjoys the freedom while keeping you

Let’s be honest here, there are guys who enjoy the intimacy with a woman without the pressure of having to commit to her.

The benefits of having a girlfriend are quite obvious: they get to have a great time, feel her body against theirs, discover her sexual fantasies, and stay with her when things are great.

And when things get tough? It’s no surprise that they can just avoid the responsibility of being there for her.

It would be easier for him to explore his options when he’s single, and don’t have to worry about getting hurt or treated bad.

It’s like having the best of both worlds.

Truth be told, he’s having more fun this way – he gets to experience the excitement of being with you, and still gets all the benefits of not committing.

2) He doesn’t value you as much

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He might have liked you enough to date you, but the commitment means a deeper level of love and care.

It’s like buying a minivan instead of a sports car. While he appreciates your company, he may not be as fond of you as much as he should be with a real partner. He may just settle for what he has which is good enough for now.

And you know the worst part is? You value him like a boyfriend, it’s just not enough reason for him to commit to you and ask you to be his girlfriend.

No matter how much you show that you will be a great girlfriend, he just doesn’t see it the same way.

After all, he has the freedom to look elsewhere.

3) He’s intimidated by the commitment

This guy is probably just afraid of commitment, it’s simple and normal.

A past experience may have happened which made him how he is today.

What’s more is women who are clingy or needy, or may fool him – his heart’s probably not ready for this kind of stress and headache.

Look into his relationship history, he may have been hurt by a previous girlfriend, or has been aware that some guys cheat on their partners. In either case, he was traumatized by that experience and doesn’t think he can give his trust to anybody.

He doesn’t want to invest himself in a woman who may hurt him as the last woman did. He’s protecting himself by not committing. He is going to remain friends with benefits with you since he doesn’t think he can handle the pressure of being in a serious relationship.

In this case, you can’t blame him; he doesn’t want to get hurt again.

It takes time and the right love to get his gain his trust or get it back, but until then, it’s best if you stop pressuring him to commit.

If you keep trying to convince him that you’re the one for him, it will only push him away.

4) You haven’t triggered his hero instinct

A lot of guys will pretend to be good for you, in order to make you happy, but deep down inside they feel insecure about themselves.

They will only commit once you prove to him that you’re worthy of his precious heart. He’s afraid that he won’t be able to provide for you and thinks that he’s not good enough for you.

He knows that it will take time before he can fully trust you, so until then, he’ll play the role of being a friend (with benefits).

But you can still do something about this.

There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the ‘hero instinct’.

This concept is generating a lot of buzz at the moment as a way to explain what really drives men in relationships.

I know it might all seem kind of silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.

But this misses the point about what the hero instinct is all about.

The hero instinct is an instinctive need that men have to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives. This is deeply rooted in male biology.

When a man genuinely feels like your everyday hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and committed to being in a long-term relationship with you.

But how do you trigger this instinct in him?

The trick is to make him feel like a hero in an authentic way. And there are things you can say and messages you can send to trigger this natural biological instinct.

If you want some help doing this, check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here.

I don’t often recommend videos or buy into popular new concepts in psychology, but the hero instinct is one of the most fascinating concepts I’ve come across.

Here’s a link to his unique video again.

5) He’s just not invested yet

This guy hasn’t been looking for a relationship, and has had no intentions of getting into one.

Let’s be honest here, he’s more focused on his career, or maybe he just got out of a relationship that ended badly. He isn’t ready to move on, and he might be afraid of being hurt again.

He just wants to have fun with you but doesn’t want to commit because deep down in his heart he knows that he’s not ready yet.

Do you think he will ever be ready? Probably not, at the moment.

Don’t force him, he needs more time to figure himself out. Don’t nag him about commitment and trust that over time, he will come around.

Be patient, and if you feel he’s in a “pushing away” phase, give him some space.

What’s worst? He doesn’t know what he wants.

This guy is as clueless as you are. Maybe he doesn’t even know what he wants, so he’s not sure about commitment.

You can try to open up and start a normal healthy relationship with him, but at the moment his heart is not ready for that kind of commitment.

6) He’s fine just staying as friends

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Some guys don’t want to admit it but they’re OK with being friends with benefits.

He knows that you are a great catch but he doesn’t want to be tied down by commitment.

He doesn’t even consider you a girlfriend, and the last thing he wants is to be tied down by all that baggage with you.

So until he wants to commit, it’s best if you settle for being his friend or “the girl that he dates”. The only way to get him to commit is to take away all the benefits he gets from being friends with benefits.

For example, let’s say you have sex with him. That will keep him close to you and give you both good memories.

But if you don’t have sex with him, then he might think that he can look elsewhere and still get what he wants (yes, the sex).

Ask yourself if you’re willing to take away the benefits he gets from you.

Don’t confuse “benefits” with “commitment”. You can have benefits from a guy without commitment.

This guy just wants to have fun and doesn’t want to invest himself in you or a relationship.

If you can’t see yourself going with the flow he’s setting, there’s no point in wasting your time with him. He’s not going to change and nothing will ever work out for the best for both parties.

7) He’s just not into you

Here’s the brutal truth: he can’t commit to you because he just doesn’t feel the same way.

He doesn’t like you, and he has no intention of ever liking you. He is just looking for a good time with you and not looking towards a committed relationship.

You can choose to agree to it or to leave him alone, but in either case, you need to respect his decision not to get involved with you.

Don’t try and convince him otherwise.

He might start liking you over time, but he’s never going to commit until he wants to commit.

This will definitely hurt if you have real feelings for him, but until he wants the same feelings for you, it’s not going to work out.

You can’t force a guy to commit, but there are things that you can do to make him want you more.

8) It’s too early for him to commit

This guy is probably waiting for the right moment before he commits.

He wants to make sure that he’s absolutely in love with you before he makes a commitment.

And this will take some time and patience on your part. He knows that he might get hurt if he makes the wrong decision and so he needs to make sure that you’re the right one.

You have to know that he’s waiting for a strong emotional connection with you before he initiates any kind of committed relationship.

You need to give him some time to figure this out.

This is why it’s important to date many different guys and let them go if it’s not working out, rather than force them into something they aren’t ready for.

9) He’s too nice

At this stage, he’s probably just too nice to you.

He’ll help you out during the times that you need to but don’t think he would be willing to commit in the future.

Do you know what happens to a guy who is too nice? Eventually, he’ll end up in an unhappy relationship with a woman who simply uses him for his kindness.

I know it sounds cliché, but nice guys finish last and the last thing you want is to end up in a toxic relationship.

He’s not ready to commit to you because he’s being dragged into your life by his heart.

Truth be told, he doesn’t want to lose you because you’re too important to him and he’s scared of losing you as a friend.

If you really like him, you can try to move on and find someone who will be more interested in being with you.

10) He’s not an alpha male

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Alpha males are dominant, tough guys who are very confident in themselves.

They’re usually very attractive to women for that reason, you can go through any guy’s album on Facebook and see how many attractive girls want a relationship with them.

But not all men are alpha males. Some guys may be alpha when it comes to their work or their social groups but they’re obviously not alpha enough when it comes to relationships.

If he’s indeed, an alpha male, then he’ll be more confident and dominant when it comes to having a relationship with you. He might not be as submissive and soft as some of the other guys.

He’ll never let you walk all over him like some of the other guys. He won’t let you push him away, but he’ll take charge and will try to get you to commit.

In most cases, an alpha male is more willing to commit than the other guys, because they feel confident that they can hold up a relationship on their own.

11) He doesn’t want to make a big deal out of a relationship

Dating is not his thing, but he doesn’t mind being your friend as long as it’s casual.

This is the kind of guy who won’t push for commitment because he thinks it’s better for him not to commit.

He’s just not ready for that kind of commitment yet. If you push him to commit, he’s not ready to take that step yet. He’s probably still scared of commitment because he spent too long in a relationship where his heart was broken.

He could’ve been traumatised by the relationship, so maybe he’s just not ready for the commitment.

If things don’t work out in the end then at least you’ll have a good friendship with him and be able to go on with your life happily.

You won’t be disappointed of having wasted your time on someone who doesn’t want to commit when only friendship was what you wanted from him in the first place.

12) He got his heart broken before

You should be aware of this already.

He may have had a really painful experience with his last relationship and his heart is closed off for good now. He’s afraid of getting hurt again – that’s why he doesn’t want to make any bigger commitment.

He wants to be in a relationship with you, but he needs to get his heart opened up first.

He can’t open up and trust another person if he’s scared of losing them. He needs to heal first before he can really commit himself fully to you.

If you push him into a relationship when he isn’t ready for it, trust me on this, it will only result in a disaster for both of you.

You’ll end up hurt when you realise that your boyfriend doesn’t want to commit himself and then leaves without telling you his reason or anything. He’ll feel that he’s let you down.

These are all the reasons why a guy won’t commit to you and that’s why it is better for you not to pressure him too much about making a commitment.

You can see where he stands and if he’s going to be ready for a serious relationship in the future. Don’t let your attraction overwhelm your common sense.

13) He has a secret and is ashamed of it

It’s not just the guy who doesn’t want to commit. Sometimes, girls have secrets and they’re not proud enough to tell you about it.

This could be something like he cheated on some girl in the past or something even worse.

If you know that there’s something wrong with him that he’s ashamed of, it might be best if you just don’t ask him further about it because he may walk away from you once you will know the truth.

He’ll always be bothered by it, and wonder if he’s done the right thing.

On the other hand, it will always eat away at him even if he covers it up very well on the outside.

It is best not to ask him about his secret because he may pull out of your relationship and run off to a new girl who isn’t bothered by this secret thing.

Let him be and he’ll come round until he’s willing to open up to you more.

14) He’s afraid of being hurt

Sometimes, guys are so scared of getting hurt that they don’t want to make any commitments at all.

This could be because they’ve just been through a bad experience and ended up broken-hearted.

Girls need to understand that they can never know what will happen in the future so they shouldn’t expect their boyfriend to be committed in the future.

He might not want a commitment with you, because he thinks you’re the one girl who will break him.

His low self-esteem may also be because of a previous bad experience with a girl. It may have been about him not being close enough to her even though he tried to be. It might be about him not being willing to give himself completely to another person.

Of course, it’s possible that his fear of commitment is part of some deep-rooted psychological issues that extend back into his childhood.

15) He’s afraid of losing you

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This guy is in it for the long run but he fears that if he starts something, you might leave him one day and break his heart.

Sometimes, guys will do anything to avoid that kind of pain. They take this approach so they won’t feel pain anymore, or they were in such great pain once before and feels safer if they don’t get too close to you.

You see, if things have been very well between the two of you even though you’re not his girlfriend, he might be thinking that it will be ruined if you become his girlfriend. As he’s scared of losing you as a friend, he’ll do anything to avoid what might make you break off from him.

He might not want you to give him too much attention and that’s why he doesn’t want to commit at all. He just needs space to work things out and it’s best for you not to bother him about this.

How to make a man commit to you

Even though he is not in the mood for a relationship now, there are ways to make him commit to you in the future (if, you want him to commit to you). It’s just that you need to take a more gradual approach.

Don’t nag about it.

It’s not an overnight thing and you’ll have to work on it over a period of time, here are some ways:

1) Don’t be always available for him

Ask yourself if you’re always available to him.

You should be happy to see him but don’t shower him with all your attention, save some for yourself or other important things in your life.

If you are up for this challenge, keep in mind that you have to give him the cold shoulder.

First, stop texting him with flirty messages and trying to set up plans.

Don’t initiate contact and don’t be available for dates or for sex. If he wants to see you and wants your attention, he’ll have to chase YOU instead of the other way around.

Just stop being available on his terms.

2) Show him that he’s the kind of man who can commit

It’s not just you who can make him commit. It’s also the way he deals with his friends, family and work.

He must know that there could be a lot of wonderful things that will happen when a man decides to commit to a woman.

This relates back to what I mentioned earlier: the hero instinct.

When a man is made to feel needed, wanted, and respected, he’s more likely to overcome all of his commitment issues and be the one for you.

And it’s as simple as knowing the right things to say to trigger his hero instinct and make him into the man he’s always wanted to be.

All of that and more is revealed in this excellent free video by James Bauer. It’s absolutely worth checking out if you’re ready to take things to the next level with your man.

Here’s a link to the free video again.

3) Give him proper time and space

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It’s difficult to say that you can rate a man’s commitment by his words and actions.

If he’s committed to you, he’ll be there in the bad times as well as the good. He would have been very serious about you and made sure that everything about your relationship is perfect.

No matter what the reason is for why he doesn’t want to make a commitment, remember that you can easily deal with it from here on in.

Give him the space and time he needs to think things through by himself.

Don’t bring up the commitment idea as it might just make him go further away from you.

Letting him know that he’s the one and only man for you will make him too overwhelmed.

He doesn’t realise it right now, but he needs space to fully understand your relationship with each other and whether or not this is going to work out in the future.

4) Make it extremely easy for him to commit to you

A man will definitely commit to you if he feels you can be the woman of his dreams. He wants a woman who’s caring and generous, patient and loving. He also wants to make sure that she’ll be there for him even if he is a bit of a moody person.

He longs for someone who will support him in everything that he does.

He doesn’t only long for an easy-going relationship, but for a woman who can be the exact opposite of him. You see, a man is completely different from what he seems to be on the outside.

Eventually, he will be able to commit to you, even if he’s not willing now.

5) Be one of the great things in his life

And finally, the most important thing of all:

Never try to get him committed by taking his good things away from him.

You know what I mean: the good things are some of the most valuable pieces for a man and even though he might not want these things right now, you need to let him know that you can give them to him and make him happier.

A man will commit to you automatically after a while if he feels you are the best thing that has ever happened to him.

He will never know what he had been missing out on and there would be no need for him to look for some other woman who’s willing to give in to his demands.


You should know already that having to make a man commit to you, is never an overnight process – it will definitely take some time getting him to the point where he would be willing to commit.

However, it will be worth the effort in the long run.

The right woman can make everything better in his life, and there’s no way you can do this if he doesn’t see that.

So what can you do to ease up the process?

Well, I mentioned the unique concept of the hero instinct earlier. It’s revolutionized the way I understand how men work in relationships.

You see, when you trigger a man’s hero instinct, all those emotional walls come down. He feels better in himself and he’ll naturally begin to associate those good feelings with you.

And it’s all down to knowing how to trigger these innate drivers that motivate men to love, commit, and protect.

So if you’re ready to take your relationship to that level, be sure to check out James Bauer’s incredible advice.

Click here to watch his excellent free video.


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Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing for Ideapod to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

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