There’s a gaping chasm between having parents and having parents who truly understand you.
This divide often comes down to empathy. Having parents who understand you means they can put themselves in your shoes, grasping your feelings and motivations.
Sadly, not all of us are that lucky. Some parents, despite their best intentions, just don’t ‘get’ us. And that’s okay – it’s not always their fault. But it’s crucial for you to recognize the signs.
Let’s dive in.
1) Lack of emotional connection
It’s a fundamental aspect of any relationship – the emotional bond.
This is especially true when it comes to parent-child relationships. The ability to empathize with, and understand, your emotional experiences is key.
You might find yourself constantly explaining your feelings, only to be met with blank stares or dismissive comments. Or worse, your emotions might be entirely ignored and invalidated.
This lack of emotional connection can be a harsh sign that your parents don’t truly understand you. It can make you feel isolated and misunderstood in your own home, which isn’t how things should be.
2) Disinterest in your passions
Your interests and passions are like the heartbeat of who you are—they give your life color, shape your character, and add meaning to your everyday existence.
But what happens when your parents just don’t seem to care about them?
Let me share a little story from my own life.
Growing up, I was obsessed with art. My room looked like a mini art studio, with sketchbooks, paints, and pastels scattered everywhere. But my parents? They never really ‘got’ it. They’d brush off my artwork as “just a hobby” and constantly nudged me towards more “practical” pursuits, like math or science.
Their indifference towards something so central to my identity was like a punch in the gut. It felt like they didn’t see or appreciate the real me.
But here’s the important part: your passions are valid and essential, whether they see it or not.
3) Inability to accept your individuality
We all have our unique traits and idiosyncrasies – it’s what makes us, us. However, if your parents struggle to accept these aspects, it could be a sign they don’t truly understand you.
For instance, consider the left-handed child in a right-handed family. In many cultures, left-handedness used to be stigmatized and even associated with witchcraft. Thankfully, we’ve come a long way since then, and most societies now accept left-handedness.
However, if you were that left-handed child and your parents insisted on you using your right hand, brushing off your natural inclination as a ‘bad habit,’ it’s clear they’re not acknowledging your individuality.
Understanding comes with acceptance. If your parents can’t accept the unique aspects of your personality – be it your left-handedness, your introvert nature, or your love for uncommon hobbies – they might not fully understand you.
4) Disregard for your boundaries
Boundaries are like the invisible fence lines of any relationship, including the one with your parents. They define what’s okay and what’s not, protecting your personal space and emotional well-being.
But what if your parents keep trampling over those boundaries?
Imagine this: you’ve asked for some alone time, but they keep calling or texting. Or worse, they sneak a peek at your diary or barge into your room without knocking. These aren’t just minor annoyances—they’re flashing neon signs that your parents might not fully understand or respect who you are.
When parents struggle with this, it often points to a deeper issue of misunderstanding.
According to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, healthy boundaries are key to fostering mutual respect and understanding in family relationships. If your parents are constantly pushing past those limits, it’s not just frustrating—it’s a sign that they may not fully grasp the person you’ve grown into.
5) Dismissal of your dreams
We all have dreams. They’re the visions we hold for our future, the goals we strive to reach, and they’re deeply personal.
When your dreams are dismissed or belittled by your parents, it can feel as though a piece of your heart is being rejected. It’s as though they’re saying that your hopes for your future – a future they might not fully understand or agree with – are not important.
Whether you dream of becoming a ballet dancer, a scientist, a writer, or a chef, your dreams are valid. They’re a part of who you are. And if your parents can’t understand that, they may not truly understand you.
6) Invalidation of your struggles
Everyone faces struggles. They’re a part of life. But how we deal with them and how they’re acknowledged by those around us can make a significant difference.
In my teenage years, I battled with self-esteem issues. I constantly felt as though I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or attractive enough. But every time I tried to express these feelings to my parents, they would brush them off. “You’re just being silly,” they’d say, or “You have nothing to worry about.”
The constant invalidation of my struggles made me feel even more alone and misunderstood. It was as if my parents didn’t understand the turmoil I was going through.
7) Lack of communication
Effective communication is the cornerstone of understanding in any relationship. It’s through sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences that we connect with others.
If your parents rarely engage in meaningful conversations with you or are often too busy to listen, it could be a harsh sign they don’t truly understand you. This lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings and create emotional distance.
Everyone deserves to be heard and understood, especially by their parents. If there’s a communication gap in your relationship with them, it might mean they’re not fully grasping who you are as an individual.
8) Feeling unaccepted
At the end of the day, the most telling sign that your parents don’t truly understand you is the feeling of being unaccepted. Because understanding and acceptance go hand-in-hand.
If you constantly feel like you have to hide parts of yourself, change your behavior, or suppress your feelings to earn their acceptance, it’s a clear sign they don’t understand who you truly are.
Keep in mind, every part of you deserves acceptance – your strengths, your flaws, your quirks, and your dreams. You are enough just as you are.
Final thoughts: Understanding starts with acceptance
The complexities of human relationships, especially those within a family, can be challenging to navigate. The dynamics between parents and children are no exception.
One profound truth is that understanding and acceptance are intertwined. Acceptance can’t exist without understanding, and understanding is hollow without acceptance.
In the fascinating realm of psychology, Carl Rogers, a renowned American psychologist, emphasized unconditional positive regard – the concept of accepting someone wholly, without any conditions. He believed this was crucial for healthy psychological development.
Recognizing these signs is the first step towards fostering better relationships and finding those who will appreciate and understand you for who you truly are.
