Relationships can be tough, and sometimes it’s hard to see our own faults.
What if the problem isn’t your partner, but you?
It’s not easy to admit, but recognizing toxic behavior in yourself is the first step towards making things better.
1) You’re always playing the victim
Few things are as draining in a relationship as constant victimhood.
Psychology tells us that people who always see themselves as the victim often struggle with accountability. They’re unable to recognize their own faults and instead, blame everything on their partner.
Does this sound familiar? Are you always pointing fingers at your partner, never accepting your role in any conflict?
This unwillingness to take responsibility can be a clear sign of toxicity. It creates an imbalance in the relationship and fosters resentment.
2) You struggle with jealousy
Jealousy, as I’ve personally learned, can be a powerful and destructive emotion in a relationship.
A few years ago, I found myself in a relationship where jealousy was my constant companion.
Every time my partner interacted with someone of the opposite sex, I would feel a twinge of unease.
I’d find myself scrutinizing their conversations, feeding my own insecurities and suspicion. It wasn’t healthy, and it certainly wasn’t fair to my partner.
Psychology suggests that while certain levels of jealousy are normal, excessive jealousy can indicate a toxic pattern of behavior.
It often stems from personal insecurities and can lead to controlling behaviors.
If you find yourself constantly questioning your partner’s loyalty or restricting their interactions, it’s time to step back and evaluate your actions.
This level of jealousy can be toxic and damaging to your relationship.
3) You engage in constant criticism
Criticism, when not constructive, can be devastating to a relationship.
Did you know that according to psychologist John Gottman, the presence of criticism in a relationship is one of the top predictors of divorce? Gottman calls it one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in relationships.
What this means is that if most of your conversations with your partner revolve around pointing out their faults or shortcomings, you might be fostering a toxic environment.
While it’s important to communicate about issues in your relationship, there’s a big difference between addressing problems in a respectful manner and consistently tearing your partner down.
Criticism should be constructive and aimed at improving the relationship, not used as a weapon to hurt or control.
4) You’re dismissive of your partner’s feelings
One of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship is empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of your partner.
However, if you find yourself regularly dismissing or downplaying your partner’s feelings, this could indicate a toxic pattern.
Perhaps when they express sadness, you tell them they’re overreacting. Or when they’re excited about something, you fail to share in their joy. This can leave your partner feeling invalidated and alone.
Being dismissive not only hurts your partner, but it also creates distance in your relationship. It’s important to listen, understand, and validate your partner’s emotions for a healthy bond.
5) You’re overly controlling
Control in a relationship should be balanced and mutual.
But if you’re the one dictating every decision, from what movie to watch to who your partner can hang out with, then you might be crossing into toxic territory.
Being overly controlling is often a sign of insecurity and a desire for power. It shows a lack of trust in your partner’s judgment and can make them feel suffocated and disrespected.
A healthy relationship is about partnership and equality. If your need for control is stifling your partner’s freedom, it’s time to reassess your behaviour and work towards a healthier dynamic.
6) You use affection as a bargaining chip
Love and affection are the lifeblood of any relationship. But when these become a tool for manipulation, it’s a clear sign of toxicity.
Maybe you’ve found yourself withholding affection when you’re upset, or using it as a reward when your partner behaves as you want them to.
This can leave your partner feeling insecure and uncertain about your love for them.
True love is unconditional. It’s not about keeping score or manipulating feelings.
If you’re using affection as a bargaining chip, it might be time to take a step back and question what love really means to you.
7) You’re not supportive of your partner’s goals
Supporting your partner’s dreams and ambitions is one of the most beautiful parts of being in a relationship.
Yet there was a time when I found myself feeling threatened by my partner’s success.
Instead of being supportive, I’d subtly undermine their achievements, masking my insecurity behind a veil of concern or practicality.
This kind of behavior is toxic. It stems from a place of insecurity and fear of being left behind. But it only serves to create a rift between you and your partner.
A supportive partner rejoices in their loved one’s achievements, and encourages them to reach for the stars.
If you find yourself feeling threatened by your partner’s success, it might be time to confront your own insecurities.
8) You avoid conflict at all costs
It might sound strange, but avoiding conflict isn’t always a good thing in a relationship.
Sure, nobody enjoys fighting. And peace is always preferable to war. But if you’re sweeping issues under the rug or burying your feelings to keep the peace, you’re doing more harm than good.
Psychology tells us that conflict can be healthy. It clears the air, allows for better understanding, and paves the way for compromise. Avoiding it just leads to resentment and unresolved issues.
9) You’re constantly testing your partner’s loyalty
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Without it, insecurity and anxiety can creep in, leading to toxic behaviors.
One such behavior is constantly testing your partner’s loyalty. Maybe you’re always checking their phone, or you create hypothetical scenarios to see how they react.
This not only shows a lack of trust but also creates unnecessary drama and tension.
If you find yourself doubting your partner’s loyalty without any real reason, it might be more about your insecurities than their behavior.
Trust is built over time and can’t be rushed or proven through tests.
It’s crucial to address these trust issues for a healthier relationship dynamic.
10) You don’t respect your partner’s boundaries
Boundaries are fundamental in a relationship. They help each person understand their partner’s needs and expectations, creating a sense of security and respect.
If you’re constantly pushing your partner’s boundaries, whether it’s personal space, time with friends, or even their comfort levels in different situations, you’re crossing into toxic territory.
Respecting your partner’s boundaries is about acknowledging their individuality and understanding that they have needs separate from the relationship.
It’s about creating a safe space where both of you can thrive together while still maintaining your individual identities.
Final thoughts
If you’ve recognized some of these signs within yourself, take heart. Change is possible.
Being aware of your toxicity doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be this way forever.
It simply means you now have the opportunity to change, to grow, and to become a better partner.
In the end, it’s not just about making your relationship healthier, but also about becoming a healthier individual for yourself and for those around you.
