The avoidant runs away faster the closer you get. This is hard to understand and harder to deal with, especially if you tend to be anxious or seek validation.
But something wonderful happens when you stop chasing an avoidant:
You begin reclaiming your power and becoming much more self-aware of what you’ve been doing wrong. The avoidant also begins to change his or her behavior as your energy shifts.
Let’s dive in and take a look. Here’s what happens when you stop going after an avoidant and withdraw your time and attention from them.
1) You start looking after yourself more
The pursuit of an avoidant individual has disastrous effects on your emotional and physical health.
When you’re hoping to gain the attention and love of somebody who’s unavailable or emotionally cut off, it’s exhausting.
Secondly, it centers your well-being externally and makes you dependent on the actions (or lack of actions) of somebody else.
Every time they leave your texts unanswered you feel like crap the rest of the day or the week.
Once you stop chasing you can finally look after yourself for real. This isn’t all about them. You have value, too. In fact, you have much more than you realized while you were busy going after this person.
2) You begin applying yourself to other goals
The time that you now have free from pursuing this person is all for you now.
You begin finding that you have renewed energy for other goals and for dedicating yourself to projects, passions and career ideas that used to seem out of reach.
It’s not just the more time literally, it’s also that you have more emotional space and room to grow.
You feel ready to actually start growing your own life and using your inner fire to benefit your own well-being and not just to direct it to gaining the interest and attention of somebody else.
The avoidant may still be on your mind and weighing on your heart, but he or she is no longer the center of your world:
And that opens up whole new exciting horizons…
3) You start being open to meeting new people
Even if you’re not ready to date yet, stopping chasing an avoidant opens up space in your social life, too.
You feel ready to have conversations with people you formerly barely noticed.
You may feel ready to go out on dates.
You’re not beholden to this codependent cycle where it’s either this one person or bust. You may still have feelings for them, yes, but you’re no longer locked in a chase.
They can respond or not as they choose. You’re no longer under their spell and you’re now living your own life in every sense.
4) Your anxiety levels and over-worrying plummet
Many of those who are in love with an avoidant have deep fear that if they stop chasing this person they will feel lost or hopeless.
There are moments of anguish, most certainly.
But the ironic thing is that actually when you stop pursuing an avoidant person you’re likely to feel a sense of relief. This tiresome Sisyphean task is no longer on your shoulders.
There may be a dull or sharp ache in your heart, but that feeling of obligation or that you need to do more and try harder is gone.
You’re done chasing. You truly are. What comes next is up to the other person, not you, and that brings you a real sense of relief.
5) You realize how much time you wasted chasing the avoidant
When you make the decision to stop spending your time chasing an avoidant, it’s like a whole new world opens up.
You realize the actual amount of time and energy that went into trying to get this person to commit, communicate and be real with you.
You put in so much energy and effort and emotional pain into wanting to truly get through to them and be heard, but in the end they just kept withdrawing.
You’re finally accepting the limits of your own control and facing the reality that this is time you won’t get back.
The one thing you can definitely be grateful for, however, is that you have now learned the lesson not to chase after people who don’t respect your time or value your love.
Any avoidant who truly cares is going to do his or her best to resolve the issues they have on their own. It’s not your responsibility, nor is it something you can slow-walk them through in most cases.
6) You start fully grasping how much more you deserve
When you stop chasing an avoidant, the reality of your own worth begins to really hit you.
You deserve more and now it finally means more to you than just a slogan.
You can see in a crystal clear way that your endless calls, texts and emotional labor that went unanswered or half-assed deserved better.
You can see that your affection for this person not being returned was deeply hurtful on their part and shows how unavailable they are.
It’s not your fault.
You need to now do what’s in your power, which is to filter out people who don’t give you attention or interest. They aren’t your people.
7) Your sense of wellbeing and self-confidence starts growing exponentially
When you stop chasing an avoidant you start feeling much better about yourself.
The reason is simple:
You are finally embracing and loving yourself the way you deserve to be.
Chasing an avoidant is ultimately a form of self-abandonment, which is why it leaves you with such an empty feeling and a desperation to chase harder.
When you find the mental and emotional discipline to stop pursuing the avoidant person, it’s a huge weight off your shoulders. You can finally settle back and say with full sincerity:
“I value and love myself and I deserve somebody who values and loves me, too.”
The endless chase
No amount of chasing will bring an avoidant to you. It’s in their nature to run the more they are pursued.
When you have anxious tendencies or are just deeply in love, it can be the hardest thing in the world to learn that your efforts and love aren’t leading anywhere.
That’s why it’s so crucial to stop chasing even if every fiber in your being is telling you to put the pedal to the metal.
Don’t listen to those fibers in your being.
Focus on your own life, love yourself more, and don’t settle for anything or anyone less than you deserve.
Any avoidant who’s able to mature and grow will find their way back. Those who don’t weren’t meant to be on your path.