Kiran Athar
Unrealistically high standards and expectations kill relationships.
That might sound dramatic, but when you have the fairy tale story imagined and you’ll stop at nothing to get it, you could end up driving away a perfectly good man!
I say this with confidence because it’s happened to me and countless other women. Thankfully, I’ve grown since that period in my life, and that’s why I wanted to share the following with you.
If you expect these 10 things in a man, you have unrealistically high standards:
1) Constant attention
Everyone wants attention from the person they love, right?
And to a certain degree, we should expect some attention. For example, when you get home after work, you’d like to be met with a smile, a kiss, and a “How was your day, darling?”
It’s also not too much to expect your partner to give you their undivided attention when you speak to them.
But an unrealistic standard would be to expect attention 24/7.
This might sound harsh but I’m going in with tough love today – your man wasn’t put on this earth solely to be at your beck and call!
He has a life of his own and other things that he needs to divide his attention with – his friends, family, hobbies, and work, just to name a few.
If you’re feeling devoid of attention, that’s on you to fill your life with friends, hobbies, and other activities to keep you occupied; don’t put it all on your man.
2) No disagreements
If you expect a relationship with zero disagreements, I’ve got news for you:
It’s impossible!
When two people merge their lives together, there will be inevitable clashes.
And by trying to avoid disagreements or getting mad when they do happen, you could end up pushing your partner away.
Here’s a piece of advice to keep in mind:
It’s not so much the disagreement that’s a problem, but how you handle it.
Do you talk things through after and makeup? Do you try to understand where each other is coming from?
Ultimately, disagreements can be a great way to strengthen a relationship. You learn from each other and if you work as a team, you come out stronger on the other side!
3) Being your “everything”
When I met my current partner, I made this mistake. I had the idea that if he was “the one”, he should literally be my everything.
But, as he explained around 2 years in, this was too much pressure.
He couldn’t replace the comfort I get from my mom. He didn’t want to discuss the things I’d usually chat about with my girlfriends.
So, if you expect your man to fill multiple roles, it sounds like you have unrealistically high standards.
He’s just one man. His only role is to be your partner.
If you can’t see him as just that, you’ll overwhelm and overload him. Don’t be surprised if he gets burned out and frustrated.
To avoid this happening, make sure you keep a healthy social life. Spend time with people other than your partner.
A fulfilling life doesn’t come from making your partner your “everything”. It comes from having a variety of healthy, close relationships.
4) Constant romance
Ah, the fairy-tale love story.
Made worse by Instagram and TikTok of course. We see “influencers” post pictures of the roses they received just because it’s a Tuesday.
Their partners seem to whisk them off on fancy dinner dates every week and outdoor movie nights under the stars.
Reality check – a relationship like this isn’t sustainable!
In the real world, most men are too tired to go about playing Romeo. Sure, a little romance here and there is great. But you know what’s even better?
A man who cares for you. A man who consistently looks out for you. Someone who is working to build a life with you.
That’s worth much more than flowers and fancy dinners.
5) No personal space
Do you get annoyed when your partner wants some alone time?
I can relate to this. I used to think that it meant he was being “off” with me. Or that he didn’t enjoy my company.
But as I grew as a person, I realized:
If I value my alone time and see it as a chance to recharge my batteries, why can’t he?
It’s highly unrealistic to expect him to spend every waking moment with you. He’s an independent person with personal things to get on with, and you should try to respect that.
If anything, those moments apart make the relationship more interesting! You have different things to tell each other, and the old saying really is true:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
6) Tons of wealth
Growing up, I remember all the girls in my class discussing their ideal man. Most of us listed “rich” pretty high up on the checklist.
Now, as an adult, it’s funny that out of all the boyfriends I’ve had, the only truly rich one was the worst relationship I’ve been in.
You see, money doesn’t always equate to happiness.
And expecting a man to be wealthy and provide for you, in today’s day and age, isn’t reasonable.
Most people can’t afford to get on the mortgage ladder with two salaries, let alone with the man providing everything.
Not to mention, money comes and goes. It’s far more practical to look for a man who is determined, hard-working, and responsible with his money.
Now that’s the type of guy you can rely on.
7) Always making you happy
I always think back to Will Smith’s message regarding his marriage to Jada:
“Her happiness is not my responsibility. She should be happy and I should be happy individually. Then we come together and share our happiness.”
This struck a chord with me because I often placed my happiness in the hands of my partners over the years.
And when they’d inevitably fail to make me happy, I’d resent them.
The truth is, no one else can bring you happiness but yourself. Sure, they can ADD to your happiness, but they can’t be solely responsible for it.
Not only are you giving away too much of your power by doing that, but you’re setting them up for failure.
And that’s why this is an unrealistically high expectation to have.
8) Perfection
You want a man who never makes mistakes.
A man who always does the right thing.
Someone who will give you the “perfect” life.
Sorry to burst the Disney bubble – no one on this earth is perfect, including you!
So expecting all this in a man is unrealistic and unachievable. We’re all human. No matter how great he is, he will mess up from time to time.
And so will you.
Ultimately, life is messy. It’s not all picket white fences and tea parties. There will always be ups and downs, it’s how you handle that turbulence that makes all the difference.
And put it this way:
It’s far better to look for a man who learns from his mistakes and has integrity. That’s about as close to perfect as you’re gonna get!
9) Good looks 24/7
If you expect your man to look good all the time, it sounds like you’ve got unrealistically high standards…that certainly won’t be met!
Haven’t you ever woken up looking like the girl from the horror movie, The Ring?
Don’t you get spots when you’re on your period?
Men go through physical changes just like we women do. They have periods of letting their hair grow out or not trimming their beards. They get spots too.
They’re also prone to bad hair days.
And if you expect them to always look their best, they’re gonna end up exhausted.
News flash:
Most men want a woman who’ll love them for their personality, in the same way that most women want a man who loves them just the way they are.
10) A personal problem solver
And finally, if you expect your man to constantly sort your sh*t out, you need to check your standards! Because this is too much.
You’re a grown person, and although a partner can help from time to time, they’re not responsible for resolving all your issues.
Enter a relationship with this attitude and your man will start to see you as a kid rather than a responsible life partner.
I’ve personally experienced this – when I moved country with my husband, I kinda expected him to sort everything out for me (he spoke the lingo, but I didn’t at the time).
After a few months, he got pretty tired of organizing my life for me, and through a series of arguments and then civil conversations, I understood how much pressure I was putting on him.
The point I’m trying to make is if you have unrealistically high standards, you’re only going to make your life harder.
Any decent man probably wouldn’t put up with the expectations I’ve listed here today and for good reason!
So, keep yourself grounded, remember what’s actually important in a relationship, and when you feel your high standards creeping in, remember – there’s no such thing as the perfect fairytale relationship.
Love, trust, and commitment are about the best any of us is ever going to get.
