Your ex girlfriend is being hot and cold? 10 ways to respond (practical guide)

What is it with your ex girlfriend? 

One day she’s all over you, demanding to spend time with you and telling you how much she misses your company. Then the next day she’s so cold you can barely stand it. 

How can you respond to that?

Here’s some advice on what to do when your ex girlfriend is being hot and cold, depending on what you want to achieve:

How to respond to your ex girlfriend if you want her back?

1) Make sure you’re in control of your emotions

Picture your ex girlfriend as if she’s riding a rollercoaster. She goes up and down, up and down, depending on her mood.

But, if you want her back, you can’t follow her. You can’t chase after her, going up and down with her.

Instead, the best idea would be for you to gain full control of your emotions. To be more precise, to stay on an even keel at all times.

So, when she goes cold on you, how do you respond? As if it doesn’t bother you. 

Don’t let the fact that she’s turned cold on you get to you. Don’t let it get to you emotionally. Just keep doing what you were doing: working hard and having fun in life.

Why does this work?

Frankie Cola founder of Champions of Men explains it:

“From a feminine point of view, the woman sees the strength you maintain even when she takes her validation away… and now when she comes back to you she’ll see you as stronger and more “masculine” than before.”

So, if you manage to keep your emotions under control, as she goes hot and cold with you, you’ll appear more attractive, more masculine, and more stable.

And your ex girlfriend will like that.

So, if you want your ex girlfriend back, it’s a good idea to be in control of your emotions at all times, especially when she goes cold.

2) Show her that you don’t need her like before

You want your ex girlfriend back but she’s sending you mixed signals. What do you do?

Well, if you want her back, it’s a good idea to make her see that you don’t need her like before.

If she needs a lot of attention to feel secure and wants you all to herself, then simply let her see that you have a life and can do without her.

Listen to Lachlan Brown’s (founder and editor of Hack Spirit) advice:

“Make your ex know that they’re not the center of your universe and you’re not stuck on your couch, waiting for their return. You’re a catch and so you should act like one!”

Although you might want to talk to her every day and see her, you can’t let her know that. If you want your ex girlfriend back, then it’s a good idea to make her see that you CAN live without her. 

3) Think about what she likes about you and do it

When your ex girlfriend is hot and cold with you, how do you respond?

You take this chance to remind her why she liked you in the first place.

If you did something that made her like you, make sure you do it again. If she fell for your humor, then don’t hesitate to make a joke whenever she’s around or post it on social media.

Or, if playing guitar made her enjoy your company, then find a way to remind her of that. 


Because, when she’s hot and cold with you, you might have a chance to remind her of the qualities that made you interesting or fun before.

“This is quite sneaky and kinda “pathetic” but hey, if you really want hacks that work, then you have to be ready to do some tricks,” says Lachlan Brown.

So, are you ready? Great. It’s time to put your plan into action.

4) Think about her as your new possible girlfriend

What if a new girl was being hot and cold with you? How would you respond?

You’d definitely be more patient with her and have fewer defense mechanisms at play, correct?

This is exactly Lachlan Brown’s point:

“The thing with thinking of someone as your “ex” is that the fact that they used to be yours is put front and center.  It’s problematic because you can get incredibly fixated on the fact that they’re your “ex”, as well as the idea of getting them back.”

In other words, if you see your ex as an ex, there’s a chance you’ll still have a lot of defense mechanisms at play, seeing her as someone who hurt you in the past.

But if you’re seeing her as a new person, it might help you approach her differently. 

How so?

You might not be as defensive and when she’s hot, you’ll act more positively. And when she’s cold, you can act in a way that shows her how much of a catch you are.

This would work whether she’s been hot and cold with you before or if it’s the first time she’s ever been cold with you.

5) Try to be a friend to her as sincerely as possible

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The next way to respond when your ex girlfriend is hot and cold with you is going to be about being a friend to her, sincerely.

Relationship coach Adrian explains how:

“Approach your ex in the same way that you would talk to your best friend. There is no reason to be nervous around him or her – what’s more, if they see that you are not at ease, they will not be at ease around you either.”

This means that you should treat her like a person first, and then like your ex girlfriend.

The purpose of all this is to gain her trust again. If she sees that you can be a friend to her, without wanting anything from her, then she might see you as a more trustworthy guy.

If you want your ex girlfriend back, then it’s a good idea to be a friend to her as she goes through a rollercoaster of emotions. What’s more, she probably doesn’t know what she wants yet and this is a huge opportunity for you.

You can be there for her and show her that she wants you. If you can do this, then she’ll want to be with you again.

6) Be honest with your ex girlfriend about how you’ve matured

Listen, when your ex-girlfriend is being hot and cold with you, you can take this transition period as it is and use it in your favor.

Tina Fey, the author of How to Get Your Ex Back, shares her experience:

“Simply put: be honest about how you’ve matured through this time, and communicate your strength.” 

This will help you gain her trust, as she’ll see that you’re not the same guy who broke up with her.

But this will also show her how much of a catch you are today. If she doesn’t know how to believe you, then showing her how self-assured and mature you’ve become, might help.

What’s more, admitting your mistakes from the past will show your ex girlfriend that you’re not selfish and that you’re willing to take responsibility for your actions.

“I decided to be really honest about all of the reflection I had done since we separated: I told him that I was willing to reassess the pressure I was putting on the need to be married and to have kids,” adds Fey.

So, in a similar way, if you want your ex girlfriend back, then it’s a good idea to just be honest and show her that you’re a better person now.

7) Make your ex girlfriend feel at least a little jealous

The next way to respond when your ex girlfriend is hot and cold with you is to make her feel a little jealous.

This might sound like it might be a bad idea, but seriously, it’s not.

“If your ex is being indecisive, getting them a little jealous might just be the push they need. When faced with the prospect of losing you to someone else, they’re going to want to act swiftly and decisively,” says Lachlan Brown.

In other words, if she’s been cold with you only to turn back, then making her feel a little jealous might help her to decide what she wants.

How can you make a girl jealous without overdoing it?

Here’s what Emmanuel Onitayo, writer for Panda Gossips suggests:

  • Don’t reply to her text, but become active on social media
  • Tell her how much fun you had on a certain occasion
  • Post an innocent picture with you next to a girl.

The best way to make your ex-girlfriend feel a little jealous is by doing something that will also show her how much of a catch you are. The idea is to give her the impression that she’s missing out on you and that she might lose you to someone else. 

Pay attention, though: You don’t want to hurt another girl in the process. So, don’t give someone else false hope just to make your ex girlfriend jealous.

8) Go hot and cold with her just as she does

The next way to respond when your ex girlfriend is hot and cold with you is to go hot and cold with her, just as she does.

This may sound a little childish, but the truth is that it could work. If your ex is getting cold with you and you’re not able to change her mind with the right words, then do the same to her. 

She might not even be aware of what she’s doing to you. She might not know how frustrating her actions are. 

So, you should show her. 

Try to get her to realize how uncomfortable it is when you’re acting like she doesn’t even exist and how good it feels when you give her all of your attention. 

If you can get her to this realization, then she might realize how unfair it feels for her to ignore your affection for her. She might realize how much of a catch you really are and will want to get back together.

9) Don’t be afraid to set boundaries

Dealing with an ex girlfriend who is being hot and cold with you can prove very difficult to navigate. That’s why one of the best ways to respond would be to set boundaries.

For example, let’s say that you accept her late phone calls, but you can’t stand it when she doesn’t keep her word.

Max Jancar explains it:

“The stronger your boundaries, the more responsibility you take for your behaviors and emotions, and the less responsibility you take for the behaviors and emotions of others.”

In other words, if you have strong boundaries and stick to them, your ex girlfriend will have no choice but to respect them.

How to set boundaries with an ex?

Jancar suggests 3 steps:

  • Think about what you can and cannot tolerate just like in the example above
  • Think about how you’ll respond if she crosses your boundaries
  • Communicate your boundaries with your ex girlfriend.

One more thing though: The best time to communicate your boundaries is when she’s not being cold with you. Ideally, when she’s reacting to you in a normal way.

And lastly, if things don’t seem to change even though you’ve communicated your boundaries to her, then it might be time for another approach altogether…

10) Don’t act clingy, needy, or desperate

How to respond to your ex girlfriend’s behavior if you don’t want her back?

Well, I can definitely tell you how NOT to respond to her. And it’s by making sure you don’t act needy, clingy, or desperate.


Being needy, clingy, and desperate is not attractive. No one likes to be with someone who feels this way. Even less so, if that’s your ex girlfriend. 

You don’t want to come across as needy, clingy, and desperate when the only thing you want is for her to love you again.

Being insecure and needier than she is, will make her feel uncomfortable and might even just push her away. What’s more, if you act needy, clingy, or desperate, she will know that you’re weak.

Let me explain…

People who are needy, clingy, and desperate don’t know how to respect other people’s wishes and boundaries. If you respect her wishes and boundaries, on the other hand, she will feel more comfortable dealing with a strong man like yourself. 

As mentioned above, you don’t want to give her the impression that you’re going to let her treat you any kind of way. You want to show strength in everything that you do. 

How to respond to your hot and cold girlfriend if you DON’T want her back?

pexels mary taylor 6009172 1 Your ex girlfriend is being hot and cold? 10 ways to respond (practical guide)

Cut off all contact with your ex girlfriend 

In case your ex girlfriend is being hot and cold with you, but you don’t want her back, the easiest way to respond is by cutting off all contact with her.

It may sound a little mean, but if you really don’t want to have any sort of contact with your ex at all, then it’s what you have to do. 

Psychotherapist Kellie Miller agrees:

“If they text you, don’t respond. If they reach out on social media, block their account. Your ex can send as many mixed signals as they want, but you aren’t obligated to respond to them.”

Do this if you really don’t want to talk to her again.

Don’t play games with her

How do you respond to your ex girlfriend who is being hot and cold with you?

Well, unless you want her to continue, you don’t want to play games with her. You want to be as clear and as direct as possible. 

This way, your ex girlfriend will know exactly what’s going on and won’t feel like there’s any room for confusion about your feelings for her. 

However, try not to be rude or mean when you’re telling her whatever it is that you have to say. Just be direct, honest, and to the point with your words.

Don’t accept your ex girlfriend’s booty call

Listen, if you don’t want to get back together with your ex girlfriend, you don’t want to accept her booty call either.

It’s that simple.

You might feel tempted to do so because you’re only human. However, it might not match your purpose.

You see, if it happens once, it will likely happen again. And if it happens again, then she’s bound to push for a relationship between you two!

Or, who knows, maybe she’ll go cold again and hurt your feelings. 

So, don’t confuse lust with love, and don’t confuse a booty call with love just because it’s your ex sending you those signals.

Remember, if you don’t want to get back together with her, then you have to say no to her. 

Final words

By now, you’re probably feeling pretty confident about how to respond to your ex girlfriend if she’s being hot and cold with you. 

If you want to get back together with her, then you definitely have some work to do. However, if you don’t, then you’re in a good spot and you should act on it now.

Either way, stay confident and remember to use these tips to your advantage and to make sure that you’re taking the best possible approach with your ex girlfriend.

Picture of Daniela Duca Damian

Daniela Duca Damian

I’m Daniela, a passionate writer with an academic background in journalism. My work is based on research and facts. In recent years I have focused on the study of interpersonal relationships, analyzing, and writing about aspects related to social connections, romantic relationships, but also personal development. My goal is to decipher the most confusing concepts so that anyone who is interested in living a better and fulfilled life can apply them. When I’m not writing, I challenge my friends with meaningful questions about life.

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