As an extremely emotional person (even down to my star sign) dating a logical guy, I know a thing or two about this!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now, and we’ve argued, cried, and laughed over our differences. Dating someone who thinks and feels so different from you can be tough.
But with these 11 tips (that I’ve personally tried and tested) you can make it work!
1) Try to understand your logical partner’s way of thinking
Let’s start by first recognizing the two categories of persona, according to the Myers and Briggs personality system:
- Type “T” are the thinkers. The logical ones amongst us who are quick with solutions and problem-solving.
- Type “F” are the feelers. We tend to base our decisions more on our emotions rather than facts and evidence.
These personality types are incredibly important; we each offer unique abilities and can create solid relationships when done right.
But the issues arise when one or both personality types are unable to understand and communicate with the other.
So, how can you understand your type “T” partner?
I know it’s not easy. As an emotional person myself, I still struggle sometimes to put myself in his shoes and understand how he’s reached his conclusions.
But here’s a tip:
When faced with conflict, take a step back. Your partner will likely handle conflict with robust facts and proof to back their point.
You’ll come at them with all your emotions, and effective communication won’t take place.
If you leave the situation, no matter how much you want to vent at your partner, you allow yourself time to:
A) Cool down and think calmly
B) Try to figure out where they are coming from.
I’ve found this allows me to come back to the battleground more focussed, less emotional, and with a better understanding of how my partner is approaching the situation.
It’s not easy, but with time you’ll find a system that works for you.
Also – read up on the different personality types online – you’ll soon start to see the vast differences between your personalities and how to navigate them!
2) Choose your battles
As emotional people, we feel things so much deeper. We’re quick to be offended, we pour our hearts into everything we do, and we’re super aware of other people’s emotions (especially non-verbal cues).
This is a wonderful gift to have, but it can drag us down and create unhappy relationships if we allow it to rule us.
That’s why it’s so important to pick your battles wisely.
Many times I’ve gone gung ho over something because at that moment in time it seemed the most important thing in the world. It was later, once my emotions calmed down, that I realized I made a mountain out of a molehill.
Now, this isn’t to say that you should suppress your emotions and ignore them – not at all.
But be aware of when you’re taking things a little too personally, or when a situation could be resolved at a later time when both parties have cooled down.
The truth is:
An emotional person dating a logical person will experience their fair share of arguments.
But knowing which ones are worth fighting will allow you to focus on the important big stuff, without letting the little irritations blow up (and potentially end your relationship).
3) Find a communication technique that works for both of you
As an emotional person, you might find that you try to keep the peace as much as possible.
You avoid conflict or are quick to forgive to keep everyone happy.
Your logical partner may have a completely different style of communication from you. They may be more confrontational, or in some cases, may dismiss your emotions and give you the cold shoulder.
The truth is, the only way you’ll learn to communicate effectively is by understanding each other’s communication styles.
For example, my partner is logical but loves to sulk after an argument. I, the emotional one, am usually in a rush to make up and move on.
This used to end really badly. He wouldn’t be ready to talk, but I’d be pushing for a resolution because I hated feeling so tense.
With time, we learned we both need to give and take a bit. We started using fewer statements than begin with “you” and more statements that begin with “I”.
Instead of saying, “You always embarrass me in front of your friends”, you could say, “I feel embarrassed in front of your friends when you say…etc etc”.
This way, you’re not attacking the other person, but showing them how you feel as a consequence of their actions.
Another way we’ve improved our communication is by giving each other a bit of a breather. I no longer harp on at him to “get over it” and he tries not to spend three days sulking like before.
It’s a work in progress – this guide on communication styles may help you identify yours and your partner’s, it’s worth checking it out.
4) Get professional help
While this article explores the main ways an emotional person can make it work with a logical person, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated love situations, like when opposite personalities attract. They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
How do I know?
Well, I reached out to them at the start of my relationship, when I realized my emotional self was going to struggle with my logical boyfriend. They gave us some really great advice and helped us bridge our differences.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
5) Explain your needs clearly
You might think that a logical person would “get” your needs straight off the bat. But just because someone is logical, it doesn’t necessarily equate to having emotional awareness.
So, you’ve got to learn how to clearly state your needs to your partner, so there’s no room for misunderstanding.
For example, a line I love to use is:
“Right now, I need your sympathy, not your solutions.”
This has saved us from countless arguments. Why?
Because a logical person naturally will try to solve your problem for you. But here’s the thing – emotional people can solve their own problems. We just want some sympathy or a shoulder to lean on from time to time.
By using this simple statement at the start of a conversation, I set the tone for my partner to understand what I need from him.
That way, it doesn’t result in unsolicited advice which can sometimes come across as condescending, or as a dismissal of our emotions.
6) Respond to logic with logic
Sometimes, if you want your point to be heard and understood, you’ve got to speak in your partner’s language – respond to their logic with more logic.
This is why I mentioned taking time out to breathe and collect your thoughts before challenging your logical partner – it’ll allow you to sift through emotions to find the facts.
And when you reason with a logical person, facts will always win over emotion.
Unfortunately, most logical people simply cannot understand your emotional approach, and if you go in heavy with your feelings, they’re likely to switch off completely!
- Gather your thoughts
- Think about the situation in the most factual/evidence-based way possible
- Present your argument as clearly and calmly as you can
- Reiterate your facts and stick to your argument (don’t let your emotions take over at the first hurdle)
Your logical partner might resist, mock, or ridicule, but they can’t argue against the facts. They will give in eventually – and will probably respect you more for standing your ground.
A personal tip:
Writing down the key points of my argument before speaking to my partner helps keep me in control. When I feel like my emotions are getting the best of me, I can refer to my list to keep on track.
And on a final positive note – the more you and your partner learn how to communicate together, the less you’ll have to do things like note taking. But it’s got to be a joint effort!
7) Don’t suppress your emotions
It might seem that a lot of this article is about accommodating your logical partner and therefore pushing down your own feelings.
Whilst you’ve got to do everything you can to understand your partner’s way of thinking, they equally should be reading up on how to communicate with emotional people!
But that being said, suppressing your emotions will not work.
I tried this for a long time. I tried to be more logical – it didn’t work. After some time, I started resenting my partner. Why should I change?
It was during this time that I watched the free Love and Intimacy video. It talked about the expectations we put on ourselves and our partners to change, rather than learning to love each other for who we really are.
There were some great exercises in the video that both my partner and I did. It helped us work through some of our differences and appreciate one another.
But most importantly it helped me learn to love and accept myself. To be proud of my emotions but also not controlled by them.
I’d highly recommend it if you’re dating a logical person but struggling to make it work.
Here’s the link to the free video.
8) Learn from each other
Does it feel like it’s all doom and gloom at the moment?
Do you feel like you and your partner are worlds apart?
You might be completely different, but it’s your differences that can make you stronger as a couple!
Just imagine; a logical person and an emotional person, navigating the journey of life together. You each bring something so important and special to the table.
I’ve learned to make quicker, better decisions after watching how my partner operates.
He’s learned to be kinder, and less “cold” with his approach to arguments. We’ve had many conversations on empathy, and how to show it to others.
Because the truth is, logical people don’t lack empathy. They sometimes just don’t know how to show it.
Just like emotional people don’t lack logical thinking skills, we just take other routes to get to our conclusions!
Talk about your differences in a non-confrontational setting. Explain your thoughts and feelings and listen to your partner explain their side of things.
This is how you can learn from each other. This is what will make you stronger as individuals and as a couple!
9) Be kind and patient with each other
- What attracted me to them in the first place?
- What do I love about my partner?
- What good qualities do they bring out in me?
Sometimes, we can become so focussed on the negative that we forget all the wonderful aspects of our partners.
I understand this all too well. I’ve been close to throwing in the towel a few times, but whenever I stop to think of all the good in my partner, I know it’s a relationship worth fighting for.
And be honest with yourself – if your partner is super logical and rational thinking, that probably attracted you to them at the beginning.
Just as your emotional awareness attracted them to you.
So why not focus on the good you both bring instead of the negatives?
That’s not to say the differences should be ignored, but rather, they’re to be worked on.
In the meantime, enjoy your partner! Don’t take everything to heart, learn to laugh at your differences and make it a normal part of your conversations.
Many couples think/feel differently, but it’s how you communicate and respect each other that will determine how successful your relationship is.
10) Build enough trust to be honest with each other
Trust is another component you’re going to need. You’ll need to trust your partner enough to communicate your needs.
As an emotional person, you might struggle to get your point across to your partner or to feel that they’re really listening to you.
This is why it’s important to take your time, think carefully before communicating and stick to your boundaries.
Explain to your partner how they make you feel when they don’t consider your feelings. Help them understand you – never assume they get it, because most of the time, they don’t.
It’s through these deep, honest conversations that you’ll build trust.
Case in point:
I went to talk to my other half after an argument. He, much to my disappointment, laughed sarcastically when I opened my heart and revealed my feelings (this was a while back, during our rocky stage).
The old me would have got upset and broken down right there and then.
The new me decided to communicate my boundary – “I don’t appreciate you laughing when I’m trying to talk calmly to you. I’m not continuing this conversation until you’re able to participate respectfully.”
And I left the room. About 10 minutes later he came to apologize for his behavior. We talked it through, and I explained how laughing at my feelings is a pretty low thing to do.
The point I’m trying to make here is:
You’re not going to get it right the first time. But if you trust your partner, you should be able to put boundaries in place that allow you to feel safe and respected.
Your partner may mess up, but if they’re willing to see their mistakes and do better the next time, I’d say there’s the hope of creating a strong relationship.
11) Focus on the bigger picture
This is something your logical partner is probably quite good at – looking at the long term rather than focussing on the short term.
Most, not all, emotional people do the opposite. I know that’s true for me. My emotions can overwhelm me to the point that I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel (even if it’s just a minor argument that’ll be resolved in the morning).
We tend to focus on what’s right in front of us.
But if you can begin to understand your emotions better, you can actually work with them. Eventually, you can “rewire” if you like, your thoughts and feelings.
For example, every time my partner and I argued, I’d act as if it was the last straw. That’s it. Relationship over.
This came from my own insecurities and past traumas. Once I was able to identify why I felt that way, I was able to slowly change my thinking pattern (which directly affected my emotional state).
Now, when we argue, as soon as I feel that end-of-the-world feeling creeping up, I have a little internal conversation, reminding myself to focus on the big picture.
We’re not breaking up over who forgot to put the trash out. I don’t need to go through that emotional rollercoaster when we could just talk and work it out.
If you also find yourself becoming irrationally upset over situations, I’d suggest counting to ten, slowly, and practicing breathwork.
This can really help to ground yourself and refocus on what is essential.
Emotions are forever changing, and as “Feelers” we’re lucky to be so in tune with ours.
But we need the logical “Thinkers” too.
After all, a balance of both could end up making you the strongest couple out there!