Does he love me, or is he using me? 20 signs to look for (complete guide)

In relationships, it can be hard to determine whether a person truly loves you or is only using you for selfish reasons.

Some people may try to use this tactic of trying to make you think they love you in order to manipulate you.

So, here is our complete guide to figuring out if your guy loves you or is just using you.

10 signs that show if he really loves you

1) He’s always there for you

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Every relationship will have its ups and downs. If your guy is always there for you during the good times and bad times, then there’s a strong chance he loves you.

For example, let’s say you had a bad day at work. Your partner could acknowledge it and give you a hug to cheer you up.

Or perhaps, your partner is there for you when you need help moving furniture around or cleaning the house. You can tell he cares about your feelings because he is willing to do the things that make you happy.

A person who loves you will want to make sure that your needs are met and that your life is running smoothly.

2) He puts you above others

Here’s the truth:

According to Psychology Today, the love language of each person is different. This means that yours will be different from your partner’s.

If you find yourself with someone who puts you above others, then this can give you an idea of what he feels about you.

While some people may try to make their loved ones feel important and special by giving them gifts or showing them things they think they want now, this is not how someone shows they love someone they care about.

Rather, they will try to show their love by making sure that you are always happy and comfortable in your relationship.

But, if they only put you above others when they want something in return, then they may only be using you.

3) He understands your fears

Everyone fears something. Even those who are the bravest in the world fear something.

For example, soldiers are often afraid of getting hurt or being taken as prisoners. Even people who would participate in extreme sports like skydiving may be afraid of heights.

If you have a guy who listens to you and understands your fears and is willing to help calm you down, then he may love you for real.

But here’s the thing:

People who only try to help you when they need something from you aren’t actually interested in how you feel. Instead, they may be trying to manipulate you into things they want.

Perhaps, your guy is only there for you when he knows that it benefits him. For example, maybe he will only listen to your fears if he wants to get something out of the relationship or if he knows that it can make him look good in front of his friends or family.

If you’re dealing with someone like this, have you considered getting to the root of the issue?

You see, most of our shortcomings in love stem from our own complicated inner relationship with ourselves – how can you fix the external without seeing to the internal first?

I learned this from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê, in his incredible free video on Love and Intimacy. 

So, if you want to improve the relationships you have with others and solve complex emotional issues, start with yourself.

Check out the free video here.

You’ll find practical solutions and much more in Rudá’s powerful video, solutions that’ll stay with you for life.

4) He respects your boundaries

Another sign that shows he truly loves you and not using you is if he respects your boundaries.

Everyone has things that they are comfortable doing and not doing. For example, you may be okay with him hugging you, but you may not be okay with him kissing you on the lips in public.

It’s important that your partner respects these boundaries and doesn’t try to push you into doing things that make you uncomfortable for selfish reasons.

It gets better if your guy respects your boundaries even when you don’t set any.

Here’s an example:

You are at a party and your partner notices that you aren’t having a good time. He asks you what’s going on. You tell him that the people there aren’t very nice and you would prefer to be somewhere else.

Rather than trying to make you stay against your will, he says he understands and takes you to a place where the two of you can have fun together.

5) He wants to know your thoughts

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Think about this for a moment:

What qualities do you look for in your partner? Are you attracted to someone who is smart, funny, and confident, or are you looking for someone who is kind and understanding?

When it comes to love, most women want a man who is compassionate. They want someone who makes them feel comfortable, safe, and happy.

If your guy wants to know about your thoughts and feelings on different topics, then it may mean that he truly loves you.

Want to know the best part?

Gradually, he can easily change your negative self-talk into more positive thoughts.

When you lie to yourself, you’re essentially telling yourself that you’re a liar. Each time you do it, it’s a powerful blow to your self-esteem.

This is why so many relationships fail. If one person lies to the other, then they may begin to feel as though they aren’t good enough for that person or that their partner doesn’t accept who they truly are as a person.

6) He’s willing to take action

Things like taking out the trash and cleaning the dishes are not romantic.

But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t important!

In fact, if your guy is doing things to take care of you, then this can be a sign that he truly loves you.

Caring for someone involves doing things for that person even when it’s not convenient. For example, maybe there are things you have to do all day but your partner knows how much it helps you to come home and relax after a long day at work.

If your guy is willing to take action, then you may have a real love story.

7) He’s sensitive to your needs

When it comes to caring for someone, a man needs to be sensitive to his partner’s needs. He must pay attention if something is wrong and take steps to try and help make it better.

If you think about this for a moment, you will see that this is what real love looks like.

Love means doing everything you can to make the person in your life feel safe and happy. It includes taking care of their emotional needs as well as their basic physical ones.

Pro tip:

Try to notice any small actions that he takes to show that he loves you. Those will be the most important ones.

8) He understands your points of view

What if your partner holds the same beliefs and opinions as you do?

That’s great!

But what if he doesn’t agree with your beliefs or your thoughts?

In that case, how does he feel about those things?

If he truly loves you and respects your opinions, then he will take the time to understand them. He will try to see where you are coming from and will want to learn more about why you feel that way.

A partner who truly loves you will never try to force his beliefs or ideas on you or make you feel as though your thoughts are wrong.

9) He’s supportive of your dreams

This is another important sign that shows he truly loves you.

When we opened our eyes to how important relationships are, we also realized that it was not only important for the couple to be together. We realized that our family, friends, and society were all connected.

Just like a tree needs water, people need love and happiness too.

If your partner values your dreams and encourages you to follow them, then it may be time for you to start planning your next big adventure!

10) He shows you physical affection

Let’s face it:

You know when someone likes you. You can pick up on their cues and tell if they are genuine or not.

The same is true for physical affection.

If your partner demonstrates this type of behavior, then he most likely loves you. He may hold your hand, hug you, or do other things that make you feel special and cared for.

But if you notice, he also respects your boundaries. He doesn’t like showing affection just to try and get some action.

10 signs that he is using me and pretends to love you

Now that you’ve read about 10 signs that he truly loves you, let’s look at the other side.

Sometimes, it can be hard to tell if your partner is using you or not. It’s not always as clear as you may think. There are plenty of ways that a man can prove to you that he is not interested in having a real, meaningful relationship with you.

Here are some signs that he may be using you:

1) He doesn’t want to see you alone

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If your partner consistently wants to be with you but doesn’t want to spend time with you alone, then there may be a real problem.

Let me explain:

If he’s always trying to include his friends in your date nights or other activities, then it may be a sign that he’s not interested in spending alone time with you. He wants someone who can provide him with social status, but not someone who will truly be there for him.

Or he can have problems with the time alone or seems to have low self-esteem. He may think he is incapable of fulfilling your needs by himself or that he is just not enough for you.

In other words, he may be using you to meet his own needs, but he’s not taking action on your relationship.

2) He avoids talking about the future with you

I bet you’ve noticed this behavior before.

If your partner avoids talking about the future with you, then there may be something wrong.

First off, someone who really loves you would want to spend time with you to make sure that he is not missing out on anything. He wants to be in a good place and would have no problem talking about the future together.

Secondly, he should take the time to learn about your hopes and dreams for yourself and your future together. If he doesn’t do that, then he might just be using your relationship to get what he wants and not to meet your real needs.

3) He shuts down during a fight

In any relationship, there will be arguments.

That’s nothing new. If your partner loves you and is interested in truly being with you, then he should be willing to fight. He should be willing to discuss the issue with you and come to an agreement about how things should proceed.

If he shuts down or refuses to talk about what happened, then it’s clear that he is not ready for a serious relationship or he’s just using you.

But here’s the good news:

With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice tailored to the specific issues you’re facing in your love life.

Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people navigate complex and difficult love situations, like when your partner is using you. They’re popular because they genuinely help people solve problems.

Why do I recommend them?

Well, after going through difficulties in my own love life, I reached out to them a few months ago. After feeling helpless for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship, including practical advice on how to overcome the issues I was facing.

I was blown away by how genuine, understanding, and professional they were.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice specific to your situation.

Click here to get started.

4) He always has one foot out the door

Have you ever met a person who wanted to spend time with you but always seemed to have one foot out the door?

This means they’re not really interested in the relationship they are having. They don’t feel like you are more than a fling.

It’s also possible that your partner is simply nervous about commitment and doesn’t know how to take the next step. He might think that he is not good enough for you, or he might have trust issues and not know how to move forward.

Either way, this behavior is very concerning and shows a lack of respect for your feelings and needs.

5) He never opens up about his feelings

One of the signs that a man is using you is if he never shares his feelings. Even if you are a great person, there are always times when things are not going so well and you can’t help but feel frustrated or upset.

If your partner doesn’t show this type of emotion, then he is not ready for a serious relationship. He’s just playing games with you and pretending to care about you.

But that’s not all.

If he avoids emotional topics altogether, it might mean he has issues with emotional intimacy.

He may fear rejection and not know how to be emotionally vulnerable. He might even be using you for emotional intimacy and care, but he does not want to “go all in.”

If this is the case, then you can try to work together and find a way to help him express his feelings without feeling judged or rejected.

6) He won’t change his behavior

Men don’t always change on purpose, but they do tend to change when they are truly ready.

If you ask your partner to change, but he doesn’t and continues to be the same way, then there is a problem.

A man who is truly interested in you would want to improve himself, and not just because you want this of him. He would know that if he took the necessary steps to become a better person, then he would be able to be a better partner for you.

But this sign’s not necessary to show he’s using you. He can just be out of touch with his true feelings.

7) He does not make an effort to spend time with your family

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This is a big red flag.

If your partner is not interested in getting to know your family, then he is using you. It’s that simple.

Here’s why:

He wants to keep the relationship at a superficial level, but he also doesn’t have the courage to break it off with you.

You can tell when your partner really cares about you; he wants to know more about your family. Yes, he may be nervous to meet them, but showing this fear is a sign of maturity and is a good thing.

But if your partner is not interested in getting to know your family, then the relationship might not be so serious after all and you should take steps to move on.

8) He doesn’t stick to his promises

Trust me, I know you don’t want to hear this, but he’s not worth your time.

Some people can be very convincing and have good intentions, but they’re not genuine.

They may seem to be interested in you, but they don’t even have a clue what they want out of the relationship.

Maybe they are just playing games with you to get what they want. Or maybe they are just looking for a fresh start where you are the only one who knows their real intentions.

Either way, if your partner doesn’t stick to his promises, then he is not ready for a serious relationship and he might just be using you.

9) He’s never had a committed relationship before

Passionate relationships aren’t something you just find and leave at that.

You need to know what you are getting into and have the confidence to move forward. This means finding someone who wants a long-term commitment or marriage. It’s a big step that requires maturity and social skills.

If you’re involved with someone who is not ready for a committed relationship, then you should date around or just end it right away.

10) He’s using you to get over an ex

Sounds familiar?

If you’re involved with a man who is using you to get over his ex, then he’s not really over her and he’s still too weak to break up with her or deal with the aftermath.

You might get caught in the middle of this drama and be left feeling confused and disappointed. Eventually, you may even start to resent him for not being able to move on.

This is called a rebound relationship.

You might get stuck in it if he convinces you that you’re the one he really cares about, but deep down he’s just using you to get over his ex.

It’s very tricky because he will promise to change, but then he will revert to his old behavior.

To sum up, your relationship is a big lie and there’s no way out of the spiral except for breaking up with him.

Final thoughts

We’ve covered 20 signs that help you determine whether he truly loves you and whether he’s using you.

I hope you found this list helpful and that it helps you move on with your life.

The truth is, dating is a very challenging experience.

But the more you learn about yourself and what you want in a relationship, the better off you will be.

It’s important to know your boundaries and not settle for less than you deserve or expect in a relationship. Don’t be afraid to cut ties with him if he’s using you . . . despite how amazing he may seem at first glance.

Love yourself and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.

Nobody has the right to treat you poorly!


Picture of Thảo Anh Nguyễn

Thảo Anh Nguyễn

It is the little daily things that make life worth living and I know how to put you in the right perspective. I write about the intersection of life and love: how spirituality has changed my relationships, what I do to cultivate love in my life, and why I believe that all relationships are spiritual. Meet all your needs for your relationship and pieces of life advice with my articles.

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