“Do I really love my girlfriend?” 9 signs you do (and 8 signs you don’t!)

I love my girlfriend, at least I think I do!

She’s amazing, and our time together so far has been fulfilling and fantastic.

Here’s how I know I really love my girlfriend, and warning signs that could put it in jeopardy.

“Do I really love my girlfriend?” – 9 signs you definitely do

1) She’s the only girl you want to be with

Let’s face it…

If you’re with a girl but you still have other girls on your mind it’s not a good sign.

If you’re in love with your girlfriend she’s the only one you want to be with.

I’m not saying you won’t notice a nice set of legs or a beautiful face when you’re walking down the street.

But you won’t feel any genuine temptation to leave your girlfriend or cheat.

You’ll be secure in what you have and satisfied.

And the temptations and issues that come up will be things you are determined to overcome and never use as an excuse to throw in the towel on the relationship.

2) She makes you smile even on a bad day

One of the top signs you truly love your girlfriend is that she can bring a smile to your face no matter how badly your day is going.

I’m not saying that you’re grinning like a cheshire cat because you have such a beautiful caring girlfriend.

But she’s the one person who can drag a smile out of you even when it’s the last thing you ever expected.

And even if it’s only for a fleeting moment.

Something about her just makes your lips turn up at the corners.

And that something…

Is that you love her!

3) There are multiple layers to your relationship

One of the strongest signs that you’re in love for real is that there are multiple layers to your relationship.

Specifically, you connect on an emotional, intellectual and physical level.

Granted, some levels may be stronger than others or may have faded to a greater extent.

But what defines love is not so much perfection as much as it’s the fact that you relate and are attracted to someone for:

  • Their body
  • Their mind
  • Their heart

If one of those is missing, the strongest attraction can still fall flat…

As Justin Brown notes:

“What makes love so different from lust and infatuation is that it doesn’t have to start from any certain layer of intimacy;

“Love can begin from any of the three, with the first bond being a physical one, an emotional one, or an intellectual one.”

4) You want her, but you’re not dependent on her

There’s a big difference between desiring and valuing someone and being dependent on them.

Codependency often breaks down into a pattern of one person being the needy recipient and one person being the grand savior.

It’s toxic and even when a relationship lasts for years, codependency poisons the well.

That’s why loving your girlfriend for real means you value and care about her a lot, but you don’t depend on her in a dysfunctional or needy way.

I have to be honest — being “needy” was the problem I faced myself a while ago. For a long time, I struggled to realize how I was forcing my partner to “save” me all the time. This unknowingly led us to a toxic codependency pattern none of us realized until it was too late.

It was around this time that I discovered Rudá Iandê’s Love and Intimacy Masterclass. For those who don’t know, Rudá is a world-renowned shaman who has dedicated years to studying human behavior, relationships, and personal development.

Thanks to some mini-questionnaires inserted in this masterclass, I reflected on my relationship and started to recognize the signs of codependence.

The best part is that this free masterclass equipped me with the tools to break free from it.

So, if you’re wondering whether your love for your girlfriend is rooted in genuine care or slipping into a pattern of codependency, don’t hesitate to dedicate some time to Rudá’s masterclass. 

Click here to access the free masterclass.

5) The idea of a future together with her fills you with joy

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If you love your girlfriend, you love the thought of growing old with her and maybe getting married…

Having kids, buying a home, living a life together in some way fills you with joy.

Granted, it may give you a little jolt of fear as well.

But the basic idea is that you look forward to a future by her side in some form.

And instead of being intimidated or horrified by the idea, you feel like it could really be quite a good thing…

Because when you love someone, spending your life with them comes naturally.

6) You’re willing to take some bad with the good

One of the signs that you love someone that can’t be overstated is that you’re willing to compromise at times.

When they want to do something that’s not quite up your alley, you sometimes settle down and go for it, because you love them.

This doesn’t mean you are a squish or a simp who does whatever your girlfriend wants or lets her play games with you.

It just means sometimes you put her first and see things from her point of view.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Manly puts it:

“Do you tolerate spending time with your partner’s friends or family even if they aren’t your cup of tea?

“Do you participate in activities that your partner finds highly enjoyable, but you don’t?”

7) You don’t think of bailing on her if times get tough

All relationships go through tough times, but this isn’t all.

There are so many things which can happen to one of the people involved that will have you questioning whether it’s time to count your losses and move on.

This isn’t about small things like your girlfriend criticizing your diet or having a stressful time at university.

I’m talking about the big stuff like her going through a severe depression where it’s hard to reach her…

Or an illness that you aren’t even sure she’ll recover from.

Do you stand by her or go find a shiny new person to spend your time with?

Love is hanging in the balance.

8) You’re not in ‘ego love’

Many people think they’re in love, but they’re actually just in “ego love.”

This is basically where you love someone but only temporarily and transactionally.

If they hurt you, you would withdraw and not love them anymore.

Your love is conditional.

Specifically, your love is conditional on your girlfriend stroking your ego and giving you all the validation, attention and affection you crave.

If that supply starts running out, you’re out.

That’s not love, at least not any kind of mature love that’s worth the trouble.

9) You never get tired of looking in her eyes

Eye contact is often the start of a relationship and it can also be one of the signs that ensures it’s still going strong.

If looking in your girlfriend’s eyes bores you, then you’re not in love.

But if you like to gaze into those baby blues then there’s definitely heart-stuff going on.

“Gazing into your partner’s eyes sounds like something straight out of a rom-com, but wanting to do it can be a sign that you’re fixated on them and that you love the person,” writes Elsbeth Riley.

8 signs you don’t actually love your girlfriend

1) You often think about being with other women

Whether or not you’ve actually cheated, one of the top signs you don’t actually love your girlfriend is that you often think about being with other women.

Your girlfriend isn’t someone you’ve decided to commit to and who you have deep feelings for.

She’s an option.

She’s “good enough for now.”

She’s a placeholder, more or less, until you find someone better.

That sounds like a brutal way to put it, but the shock value is good if it makes you reflect seriously on how you truly feel.

2) You’re with her because you’re scared to be alone

It’s easy for relationship coaches or “enlightened” guru types to criticize someone for being scared to be alone…

However, the fact is that being afraid to be alone is a very human and very understandable emotion…

And there is a way to make sure this fear stops running your life.

You might be surprised to hear that there’s one very important connection you’ve probably been overlooking:

The relationship you have with yourself.

You see, sometimes the need to cling to a partner comes from unresolved personal issues or insecurities.

This is why understanding yourself better can provide the foundation for a healthier relationship.

Personally, when I felt the urge to explore my inner feelings and learn myself, I turned to Rudá Iandê’s Self-love Quiz.

This free personalized quiz is designed to help you delve deep into the core of your relationship issues.

And you know what?

Once you get to know yourself and your hidden needs, you’ll immediately realize what’s wrong in your relationship and how to fix it.

Take the Self-love Quiz right now.

3) You’re very attracted to your girlfriend but you don’t actually like her

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One of the more surprising signs that you don’t love your girlfriend anymore is that you are very attracted to her but you actually don’t like her.

Let me explain…

The thought of her turns you on, you find her charming and brilliant.

But you also feel deep down like she’s sort of a stranger and you don’t really like her all that much as a person.

The way she treats people, treats you, treats everything it just feels like not your cup of tea.

She feels like a “great catch,” but it also feels like you’re not yourself around her.

Like you’re playing a role.

You feel like you have a special romantic chemistry with her.

But you don’t really have any basic chemistry of liking her as a person.

4) You relish time away from them when you can vent to friends

If you’ve ever been in a relationship you just couldn’t wait to get out of then you’ll relate to this point…

Time away from your girlfriend feels like you just won the lottery.

Even if you haven’t faced that you might not be that into her yet, you can’t hide the sigh of relief when you have even a few days apart.

It’s like a godsend. Not only do you somehow feel freer and happier, you also now have a chance to find your friends…

…And vent like hell to them.

About all the issues and frustrations of dating a woman like your girlfriend.

It doesn’t sound like love to me, and if it is, it’s a very toxic and codependent kind you probably want to get out of ASAP. 0

5) You don’t care much when you don’t hear from her for a long time

Part of being in love is loving talking to your other half.

You enjoy hearing from her, knowing what she’s up to and being in touch on a regular basis.

Obviously if this goes too far into codependency or possessiveness that’s not a good thing.

But at a certain level if you don’t really think of your girlfriend when she’s not around, then you’re not in love.

As Ni’Kesia Pannell writes for Insider, when you’re fine with not hearing from your partner for multiple days it usually means you’re not really in love with them.

And it generally means they aren’t in love with you either.

6) You get a sick feeling when you see other blissful couples

Does it feel like other couples are exotic animals in a nature park who have no relation to you and your girlfriend?

Do you get a sick feeling like you’re missing out on something that should be special and fulfilling?

That’s because you’re not in love, and seeing people who are makes you realize it.

As Crystal Crowder puts it:

“Seeing other couples being so sickeningly happy is like a slap in the face.

“The two of you were once like that, right? You start to question whether you’re as happy as you should be together.”

7) Their views and behavior just really annoys you

If your girlfriend’s ideas and way of acting just plain rubs you the wrong way, it can be tempting to pick out one or two specific things you’d like her to change.

But I have friends who’ve gotten to the point where it’s not about one or two things…

It’s everything.

The way their girlfriend chews drives them nuts.

The way she laughs fills them with anger.

They were closer to being in hate than in love.

8) You’re closed off and don’t feel like opening up to your gf

One of the saddest signs that you’re not in love with your girlfriend is that you don’t ever want to open up to her.

It feels like even telling her how you’re really doing is somehow exposing yourself in a way that makes you feel cringe.

You don’t want her to see who you really are…

Or know what’s really going on with you anymore…

You may still want to keep the comfortable parts of the relationship, but you don’t want the emotional and deeper aspects anymore.

Like Stacey Lloyd writes:

“So, if you were once completely forthright and honest with your partner but are suddenly not interested in discussing what’s on your mind, that’s a red flag.”

What’s the verdict?

The truth is that love can’t be counted or measured.

But I believe it can be qualified and defined…

In other words, I do believe it can be meaningful and fair to say straight up that you are in love or are not in love.

And if you find yourself leaning toward the signs that you may not truly be in love, or that your relationship might be edging toward codependency, take it as an opportunity for introspection and growth.

As I mentioned earlier, Rudá Iandê’s Love and Intimacy Masterclass was a turning point for me in understanding the fine line between love and codependency.

In case you also feel unsure, I strongly recommend taking the time to explore it, as it could offer you similar clarity.

Trust me, it’s in those uncomfortable realizations that we often find room for significant improvement.

Here’s the link to the free masterclass again.

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Clifton Kopp

Welcome to my writings on Ideapod! I'm a bit of a "polymath" in that I like writing about many different things. Often I'm learning from the process of writing. I hope you enjoy, and please leave a comment on one of my articles.

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