In an ideal world, we would have a protective barrier that shields us from the ploys and schemes of manipulators.
Actually, in an ideal world, there wouldn’t be any manipulators at all!
Unfortunately, neither of these realities exists.
The truth is we cannot entirely avoid manipulative people.
They are in our workplaces, neighborhoods, and community groups.
So, unless you become a recluse, the only way to protect yourself from manipulators is to learn how to handle them effectively.
The right way to handle a manipulator is NOT to get angry or emotional. That’s precisely the response they want!
Instead, you can gain more control and assertiveness by maintaining your composure and dignity in your interactions.
So here are 8 classy ways you can effectively put a manipulator in their place.
1) Understand what you’re dealing with
Understanding a manipulator’s tactics is the first step to effectively handling them.
Manipulators employ subtle techniques to control situations and people, leaving you powerless.
However, if you recognize these behaviors when a manipulator starts using them, you’re more likely to remain composed and respond strategically.
So, get familiar with the different manipulative techniques and what they look like, such as:
- Guilt-tripping
- Playing the victim
- Gaslighting
- Projection
- Triangulation
Once you understand what the manipulator is doing, you’ll become a more challenging target for them, as you’ll be far less likely to fall for their games.
The next step is to communicate what you will and will not accept…
2) Set firm boundaries
One of the best ways to stop a manipulator in their tracks is to let them know you’re not playing their game.
Boundaries are an effective way to do so.
Clearly communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors and assertively enforce these boundaries.
Here’s an example…
If a colleague keeps trying to shift blame onto you for their mistakes, calmly but firmly point out that you won’t tolerate being scapegoated.
Follow this up by stating that you expect them to take responsibility for their actions.
By setting firm limits, you assert your autonomy and demonstrate that you won’t tolerate being manipulated or mistreated.
But as LCSW Leah Aguirre explains, boundaries are only effective if you enforce them directly and confidently.
Let’s discuss how to be more assertive with a manipulator…
3) Be assertive
One of the biggest mistakes people make when dealing with a manipulator is responding with passive aggression.
However, aside from not being a classy way to deal with the situation, it often further fuels the manipulator’s fire.
So, instead, be sure to assert your boundaries firmly but respectfully.
According to psychology, assertive communication means expressing your point of view clearly and directly while still respecting the other person.
What does this look like?
Well, one effective strategy is using “I” statements.
Rather than focusing on what the manipulator is doing wrong, phrase your statements in a way that focuses on how their behavior makes YOU feel.
For example…
If someone keeps standing too close to you…
Instead of saying, “You’re always invading my personal space,” say: “I feel uncomfortable when my personal space is not respected.”
Or when someone tries twisting your words or guilt-tripping you…
Avoid saying, “You’re not being fair.” Instead, say, “I feel concerned about the fairness of this agreement, and I’d like to discuss potential compromises.”
Using assertive communication minimizes conflict while sending a clear message that you won’t be manipulated or intimidated.
Body language is another way to appear more assertive, which we will discuss next…
4) Use confident body language
Manipulative people use body language to make you feel threatened and inferior to them.
For example, they like to stand close to you or hover over you while you’re seated.
But you can lessen their power by responding with body language that conveys confidence and assertiveness, such as:
- Standing tall with your shoulders back and chest open
- Making direct eye contact
- Keeping your body relaxed and open whenever the manipulator raises their voice or steps closer toward you
- Using hand gestures to emphasize your points
- Pointing your feet toward the manipulator
Along with doing more of the above, avoid the following:
- Fidgeting
- Responding too quickly or speaking too fast
- Slouching
- Crossing your arms over your body
- Facing away from the manipulator
Confident body language reinforces your assertiveness and signals to the manipulator that you’re not easily swayed or intimidated.
Plus, as research has found…
Open body language sends signals to your brain and triggers hormonal changes to make you feel more confident and worthy, lessening the manipulator’s power over you even more.
5) Focus on facts and logic
The worst thing you can do with a manipulator is argue with them until you’re blue in the face.
But this doesn’t mean you should remain a passive victim, either.
A more effective way to put them in their place is to use facts, logic, and rationality to counter their tactics.
Present a clear and logical argument, and avoid getting drawn into emotional manipulation.
Also, do not let them generalize or use extreme language.
For example, manipulators like to say, “You always do this” or “You never do that.”
This is not a case of unintentionally using the wrong word. It is a manipulative tactic where the manipulator takes a specific situation out of context and pretends it is your usual behavior.
When manipulators use this technique, you may feel ashamed and like you are in the wrong.
So, the more you can catch when someone does this, the quicker you can confront the manipulator with facts and avoid their emotional ploys.
Doing so allows you to:
- Keep your emotions in check
- Stay in control of the situation
- Demonstrate your credibility and rationality
6) Question & clarify their intentions
Another way to challenge a manipulator is to question and clarify the motives behind their actions or requests.
This is a technique I like to use if a manipulator is trying to guilt trip me or if they say something hurtful.
Asking them to clarify can unknowingly prompt them to rephrase their aggressive words into something kinder, giving you more power.
This technique also works well if you want a manipulator to understand your point of view.
After explaining your point, ask clarifying questions like “Does that make sense?” to ensure they’ve heard what you’ve said.
Plus, getting them to verbally confirm that they understand you will give you more ammunition should they later try to gaslight you.
By shining a light on their behavior, you assert your autonomy and subtly undermine their attempts at manipulation.
It also gives you more time to formulate your response and control any emotions arising within you.
7) Create emotional distance
When you feel yourself becoming emotional (whether upset or angry), see this as your cue to take a step back and remove yourself from the situation.
Never feel like you must stay in any interaction with a manipulator, and don’t think walking away is a sign of weakness.
Sometimes, it is impossible to reason with a manipulator, and in these situations, you must think about your mental health.
If you’ve tried the other techniques on this list to no avail, walk away.
And on the subject of protecting your mental health, make sure you do the following to recover from the draining interaction….
8) Practice self-care
While this is not a specific way to put a manipulative person in their place, self-care is essential for handling manipulators calmly and composedly.
After any disagreement or difficult exchange, take time to recharge your batteries.
To do this, engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation or practice mindfulness techniques like breathwork or meditation.
The latter will help you stay composed and cultivate resilience, strengthening your ability to handle manipulative behavior assertively and gracefully.
The more you prioritize yourself and your needs, the more you value yourself.
And a person who values themselves highly is one who is difficult to manipulate!
Final thoughts
Dealing with manipulative individuals requires a calm manner and strategic thinking.
By understanding their game, asserting yourself, and building your confidence, you can effectively put a manipulative person in their place without losing your cool.
Of course, some manipulators are more challenging to deal with than others.
But remember, you ALWAYS have the power to assert yourself confidently and gracefully in any situation!
