Ask Evie: my partner’s parents blame me for everything

Dear Evie,

Hi!

I’m excited to try out this new feature, I’ve been reading Ideapod for a few years!

I’m having a bit of a hard time with my bf’s family. We’ve been together for about three years now and I love him loads but he can be difficult to deal with sometimes as he has worked through some issues with lying, communicating and planning but has improved since we met.

3 months ago he invited me to his sister’s graduation dinner (the day before). I was supposed to visit my own family that day but canceled my plans since he said it was important that I spend time with his family who live abroad.

On the day, he didn’t tell me when or where we were supposed to be meeting and ghosted me until finally replying an hour before the restaurant closed, telling me to come asap. I was in bed, in my pajamas! I replied angrily and said I had lost money on traveling to see my own family and wasted a whole day waiting for him.

He left the dinner with his family and came to my house to talk. I had told him again and again not to leave the dinner and was surprised when he showed up, but we sorted things out.

Now a month on, I was on his laptop buying some stuff on Amazon and I’ll admit I snooped through his messages and saw a message from his dad from that night, saying I was messing with my boyfriend’s mind, that I was no good, and the sooner he leave me the better.

I feel lost! I’ve put so much effort into my relationship and love my boyfriend but now I’m so upset and worried I’ll never feel welcome with them again.

 


 

Thank you for reaching out, I’m glad you’re a longstanding reader with us!

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this situation.

Relationships can be tricky, and it sounds like you’ve been handed an extra load on your plate!

Do know that sometimes, the best relationships involve a great deal of learning and growing together and can lead to the most fulfilling of relationships for both people, so all your hard work is going somewhere.

Equally, it sounds like your partner is still struggling with communication. This isn’t a skill which is learned overnight by any means, but do perhaps consider setting limits as to what you will and won’t allow in your life.

People can only change so much, and they can only change when they want to change.

If he’s showing the signs of being willing to work on his communication, planning, and lying – then that’s great. That doesn’t mean things will get better overnight but he should be showing you that he can take his own initiative to improve on things; such as replying to you on days where he has created plans that involve you, or letting you know further in advance.

On the text that you read, I’m sorry you had to read that.

I bet it was a bit of a shock, knowing that you had canceled your own plans and have by the sounds of it helped him where you can to work on the issues you mentioned he struggles with, yet being accused of manipulating him.

Remember: you are in a relationship with your partner, not his parents. This one is crucial.

Yes, it can be uncomfortable to know that a partner’s parent doesn’t like you, but you will have many occasions to make it up and form a healthy bond with them (if that is possible) – or equally to form boundaries so that you don’t need to spend a huge amount of time in their presence if they actively show apathy towards you.

But it’s also up to your partner to communicate this to his parents, especially if they are making you feel inappropriately uncomfortable for no reason.

If he doesn’t stand up for you, it’s likely that he will not do so in the future which can be a red flag for your shared future – which will no doubt involve time spent with his family, as well as yours.

I hope you can find some solace in these words, and know also that people often react in the heat of the moment. His parent might well not have meant what he said nor have understood the full extent of the situation, so do communicate with your partner so you’re both on the same page about what went down and have him mediate with his family.

And finally, as tempting as it is, I would encourage you not to snoop!

Try to respect his privacy and trust in your partner (if you think he is the one!)

Sending warm wishes,
Evie

 


 

Do you have a question for Evie? If you would like advice from Evie, fill out the form here or send your problem to askevie@ideapod.com

 

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Ask Evie

Evie is on a mission to revolutionize relationships and help you sort through your emotional woes. Her popular column helps readers break free from societal restraints and create empowering relationships - both with their inner selves and with those around them. With a wealth of experience in relationship counseling, backed by several professional certifications, she’s open-minded, big-hearted, and extremely compassionate… But she’ll also be completely honest in telling you the (sometimes) brutal truth, so you can get straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe you’re trying to save a marriage that currently feels like a sinking ship? Or worrying that your new friend isn’t quite as nice as they seem? Perhaps you’ve accidentally killed your partner’s goldfish and are weighing up the pros and cons of going to the pet store and finding a doppelganger, or fessing up? Whatever the dilemma, Evie’s at the ready to help sort through the emotional turmoil and guide you towards the next best step. To get in touch with Evie, click here.

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