Ask Evie: I think I fancy my best friend’s boyfriend?

I think I fancy my best friend’s boyfriend???

They’ve been together about 2 yrs now and I’ve never really noticed him. Also at first I saw her less and less, and she spent all her time with him so if anything I was kind of annoyed and distant.

But now that I guess I’ve warmed up to him, I’ve realised how much we have in common. He gets my jokes and my humour so well, he brings out the best in me, and I feel almost like I get on better with him than with my friend, who I’ve been friends with for almost 15 yrs.

Please help me!

I feel so guilty but I also know that repressing feelings and emotions is something we’re not supposed to do as it’s not that healthy for us.

Part of me wants to tell her, another part of me wants to tell him, and some other part of me just wants to crawl into a hole and hide 🙁

What a predicament!

Before you make any big and rash decisions, I want you to really slow down for a second and take a few deep belly breaths.

It sounds like you’re experiencing a whirlwind of emotions including attraction coupled with guilt and shame, which is quite the potent combination.

Whilst romcoms and novellas might tell you to act on impulse and seize the opportunity to tell the object of your affection of your love, I would greatly advise against jumping into any impulsive decision making in your situation.

Because by the sounds of it, this isn’t a case of meet-cute, or star-crossed-lovers. This is a case of you having a long and seemingly healthy relationship with your best friend, and now finding some difficulty in navigating her having her own connections outside of you, and the complexities of this new partner she has introduced to you.

I stress ‘seemingly healthy’ above, as you’ve mentioned little in regards to how you currently see your best friend.

Have there been any recent highs or lows in your relationship that might have prompted some changes in how you see your shared connection – with her?
I say this, as even subconsciously, conflict or envy or resentment can cause a buildup of a whole plethora of other emotions to bubble up on the surface – when really, it’s that one lingering emotion deep down that’s causing the issues.
What I also want to stress is that you’ll need to absolutely take a step back and assess the question I’ve posed you above, with some others:

  • What are the potential ramifications for you, your best friend, and her partner, if you pursue this attraction?
  • How satisfied are you with your own romantic life at the moment?
  • If you told her how you’re feeling, do you think she would want to continue your friendship?
  • If you told him/her tomorrow and they both chose to cut contact with you, how would you feel?
  • If you tried to suppress these emotions for now, do you think they would pass?

I say this lightly, as I know how earth shattering attraction can feel.

But please be cautious of where you tread and know that the adult mind works in mysterious ways. You might not realize it, but try to bring yourself back to your present. Try out some mindfulness and meditation, and try to do some soul-searching before you make decisions.

Feelings like loneliness, or envy, or feeling like our friends are moving on without us can all prompt these feelings of attraction. And yes, in your case, you’d never want to ruin a longstanding friendship.

Equally, if the connection is real, I urge you first to consider the brevity of what harm and what good you could do in confessing. Whose happiness is more important to you?

And for the time being, you have my sympathy. It’s never easy, longing after someone we can’t have.

But try for the moment to move between distracting yourself and working through hobbies and self-care, and also allowing any deep-seated feelings you might be harboring to rise up, just in case those are instigating these feelings of attraction.

Thinking of you!

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Ask Evie

Evie is on a mission to revolutionize relationships and help you sort through your emotional woes. Her popular column helps readers break free from societal restraints and create empowering relationships - both with their inner selves and with those around them. With a wealth of experience in relationship counseling, backed by several professional certifications, she’s open-minded, big-hearted, and extremely compassionate… But she’ll also be completely honest in telling you the (sometimes) brutal truth, so you can get straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe you’re trying to save a marriage that currently feels like a sinking ship? Or worrying that your new friend isn’t quite as nice as they seem? Perhaps you’ve accidentally killed your partner’s goldfish and are weighing up the pros and cons of going to the pet store and finding a doppelganger, or fessing up? Whatever the dilemma, Evie’s at the ready to help sort through the emotional turmoil and guide you towards the next best step. To get in touch with Evie, click here.

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