Am I wrong for refusing to lend my boyfriend $10k for a new car?

BF (28) keeps asking me to lend him $10k to put towards a new car he has had his eye on for a while. He knows that I have substantially more money than him (I’ve tried to be transparent about some money I inherited as a teenager without bragging or trying to come across as superior).

He keeps approaching the conversation in such a meticulous and thought out way, even drawing up plans to pay me back monthly.

I’ve tried to shut him down nicely since 10k is still a huge amount of money to me, but he won’t give up. He’s gone from sulking and seeming sad when I say no, to growing visibly irritated and even ignoring me for a few days.

Is there any way I can firmly shut him down? I’ve thought about just giving him the money to put a stop to it but I also don’t really think a car is the most necessary purchase when we still both have loans to pay off?

 

Thanks for writing in,

Well, this certainly sounds like a clear case of boundaries being ignored – good on you for standing your ground!

Money does complicate relationships somewhat, especially when there is an imbalance of wealth between partners. However, this by no means provides grounds for one person to demand that the other bank roll unnecessary purchases. Loans will forever be more important than the newest model of car, so your priorities are definitely in order on that front.

$10,000 is no insignificant sum, and whilst your transparency regarding your own finances is a show of honesty, it doesn’t obligate you to proffer up such a large sum of money.

What I’m hearing is that you’ve already repeatedly told him no, yet he’s failed to listen or take this in any way seriously. For me, this poses quite a big red flag. I would in no way recommend that you take what might seem like the ‘easy’ route and give him the money to quieten him, as the car will no doubt be followed by other gadgets and goods that he then assumes you’ll be buying for him.

He might’ve approached you with a payback proposal, but I would still stand firmly and reject any involvement in these unnecessary purchases. If he wants the car, he can save for it – himself.

In addition, another red flag is the ‘sulking’ and silent treatment you mentioned he turns to when faced with this rejection. These are classic manipulation tactics, and by the sounds of it, he’s trying to force your hand by removing his affection and attention until you give in and pay up.

I would give him a chance to reconsider his ‘proposal’ by having a frank conversation in which you quite firmly tell him that you’re not comfortable financing such a loan, that this will impact your own financial well-being, and that the current focus should be upon preexisting loans you both have.

And if he continues to sulk in response, I would have a hard think about his immaturity and disrespect. It’s very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with someone who so clearly disregards your boundaries and refuses to engage or communicate in a healthy manner.

Ultimately, prioritizing your own financial well-being and emotional boundaries is the best thing you can do for yourself.

You hardly want to be financing a man-child approaching 30!

All the best,

Evie

Do you have a question for Evie? If you would like advice from Evie, fill out the form here or send your problem to askevie@ideapod.com.

Ask Evie

Ask Evie

Evie is on a mission to revolutionize relationships and help you sort through your emotional woes. Her popular column helps readers break free from societal restraints and create empowering relationships - both with their inner selves and with those around them. With a wealth of experience in relationship counseling, backed by several professional certifications, she’s open-minded, big-hearted, and extremely compassionate… But she’ll also be completely honest in telling you the (sometimes) brutal truth, so you can get straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe you’re trying to save a marriage that currently feels like a sinking ship? Or worrying that your new friend isn’t quite as nice as they seem? Perhaps you’ve accidentally killed your partner’s goldfish and are weighing up the pros and cons of going to the pet store and finding a doppelganger, or fessing up? Whatever the dilemma, Evie’s at the ready to help sort through the emotional turmoil and guide you towards the next best step. To get in touch with Evie, click here.

Enhance your experience of Ideapod and join Tribe, our community of free thinkers and seekers.

Related articles

Most read articles

Get our articles

Ideapod news, articles, and resources, sent straight to your inbox every month.

0:00
0:00