24 signs you’re the problem in your relationship

Do you find yourself in a toxic relationship and think that you might be the cause?

Toxic relationships are unhealthy relationships that cause ongoing emotional pain for those involved.

In order for you to know if you’re the problem in your relationship or if there’s something else going on, follow these 24 signs that may point to you being the issue:

YouTube video

1) You’re always threatening to break up

If you’re wondering whether you’re the problem in your toxic relationship, then ask yourself this:

Are you constantly threatening to leave?

If the answer is “yes”, then my answer is “yes” too. You are the problem in your toxic relationship.

How do you expect to have a stable relationship when there is a constant possibility that you’ll bolt as soon as things get a little bit difficult or you don’t get what you want?

2) You assume the worst about your partner

Do you always assume the worst of your partner?

Do you have a hard time giving them the benefit of the doubt?


If you have answered “yes” to both questions, then you might be the cause of your toxic relationship.

A healthy relationship is based on trust and faith.

No one can give that to you, it has to come from within.

You see, if there’s no trust or faith between a couple, it’s inevitable that there will be conflict and fights due to misinterpretation and misunderstanding.

3) You keep score of mistakes and grievances

Are you always able to recall past mistakes and grievances?

If you’re unable to let the past go and you’re unable to forgive your partner, then it’s going to be very difficult to move forward with your relationship and your life.

Unless you learn to focus on the present and the future and to let bygones be bygones, you risk losing your partner.

Simply put:

There’s only so much a person can take before walking away from a toxic relationship.

4) You always find things to criticize your partner about

If you feel like you’re the problem in your toxic relationship, try this little exercise.

Try writing down all of the things you said about your partner that you later regretted.

Be honest with yourself.


If you don’t have any regrets, then you’re probably not the problem.

If you have regrets, if you are overly and unjustly critical of your partner, then you might be the cause of your toxic relationships.

To be honest, I’ve been there myself.

I found myself jotting down criticism after criticism, regretting them afterward. It became a cycle

I couldn’t break free from it, and it was ruining my relationships.

That was until I stumbled upon famous shaman Rudá Iandê’s masterclass on Love and Intimacy. This was a transformative experience for me.

Rudá’s teachings helped me realize my toxic habit of being overly critical and provided the tools to shift my focus toward a more loving, constructive dialogue with my partner.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, I highly recommend giving this masterclass a shot. It helped me get out of that negative spiral, and it could do the same for you.

Click here to watch the free video.

5) You’re losing friends

Have you ever noticed that a lot of your friends seem to be disappearing?

They might have said they were going on vacation, but you’re sure it’s not that.

They’ve stopped texting you and hanging out with you as much.

If this sounds familiar, then chances are you’re toxic.

What does it mean for someone to be toxic?

It means that their behavior is so upsetting and unapproachable that people stop being around them due to these behaviors.

You might not see yourself as toxic, but if you are causing a lot of drama or have lost many friends over time, it could be possible that you’re toxic.

6) You blame your partner for everything

Are you unable to admit when you’re wrong?

If you always find fault with your partner, then chances are that you are the one causing tension and frustration in your relationship.


Finding faults is a way of trying to control the outcome or get revenge for something that went wrong in the relationship.

If this happens often enough, it can lead to an unhealthy pattern where one person constantly finds fault with their partner without actually offering any solutions on how they could improve things.

It’s important not only for each individual but also as a couple to be able to put aside those feelings and focus on what really matters: spending time together enjoying life instead of being stuck arguing about trivialities like who doesn’t fold up the dish towel properly.

In a nutshell:

Everyone makes mistakes, but if you think that your partner is the only one who makes mistakes in your relationship, you’re the problem.

7) You’re a great manipulator

An obvious sign of a toxic person is that they are a great manipulator.

Manipulation is a toxic behavior because it’s wrong to use others for your own means.

So ask yourself, are you constantly manipulating your partner to get what you want?

If you answered “yes” to this question, chances are that you’re turning your partner into an object instead of a person.

8) You over-analyze everything

If you’re constantly worried that something will go wrong and are over-analyzing every situation, you could be the problem in your relationship.


When you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s normal to worry about the future.

There are always going to be uncertainties and unknowns that can cause concern.

But if you find yourself constantly worrying and stressing over everything, it could be that you might be the issue in your relationship.

The way to fix this problem is not to analyze every decision or event that happens or doesn’t happen in the relationship.

Instead, focus on the present moment and how your partner is feeling.

I know that putting an end to overthinking is far harder than it sounds. I’m a self-confessed overthinking expert myself.

But over time, I’ve improved my ability to put a pin in spiraling negative thoughts so much so that I rarely let them consume me anymore.

I did it by sitting down and incorporating meditation into my daily routine. At first, I found these so exhausting but I’ve grown to not only love the 20 minutes I set aside each day but to actually end my meditation sessions feeling invigorated and upbeat.

One of my firm favorites is this free guided Self-Healing Meditation. When I start to feel like my doubts are getting the better of me, I set time aside and take a pause from life. It has saved me many arguments with my partner! 

If you’re reading this, you’re likely in the same boat as I was a few years ago. But you don’t always have to be controlled by your thoughts.

Learning how to control them yourself is easy.

Why not try out the meditation here and see how you feel?

Afterward, when you’re feeling fresh and ready to tackle life, you can address these things one by one. All of this without focusing so much on what may happen next.

This will help both you and your partner to enjoy more of the present moment and leave room for more possibilities for the future.

Click here to access the Self-Healing meditation.

9) You’re addicted to drama

If you often find yourself in a fight and if your relationship is always on the verge of breaking up, then it might be time to recognize that drama has become an unhealthy part of your life.


If you’re addicted to drama, it’s inevitable that your relationship will become toxic and destructive.

In order to have a healthy relationship with someone else, you must be able to communicate without fighting constantly or being jealous of each other all the time.

Drama has no place in a happy relationship.

10) You have a major superiority complex

pexels jimmy ramirez 10438517 24 signs you're the problem in your relationship

Do you think you’re better than everyone?

Do you think you’re better than your partner?

Well then, I have news for you. You might be the reason for your toxic relationship.

Turns out that toxic people have superiority complexes that can include verbal put-downs, controlling behaviors, negative body language, and aggressive actions.

People with these types of personality traits like to dominate others.

They may create an illusion of power by creating chaos or are intensely jealous of those who command respect from others in order to feel validated.

And that’s not all!

A toxic person is always very condescending and often finds that they’re in the right at all times.

11) You don’t respect your partner’s boundaries

There are certain boundaries that are necessary for a relationship to function, and most people know what those boundaries are.

Does this sound new to you?

Do you find that you are constantly disrespecting your partner’s boundaries?

This could be because you don’t realize what your boundaries are.

The way to fix this problem is by observing your behavior.

You might also want to talk to your partner about it.

  • Ask them how they feel.
  • Ask them to tell you when you cross the line.

This is very important because not respecting boundaries leads to a toxic relationship.

12) You have a temper

If you are constantly lashing out at your partner, if you can’t contain your anger, then you’re the reason you’re in a toxic relationship.


When people have a temper, it becomes difficult for them to contain their thoughts and feelings.

This also causes them to lash out at whoever is closest to them.

But don’t worry!

The way to fix this problem is by learning how to let go of your anger.

While it’s not easy to get over your temper, I know a free, yet impactful resource that can help you make all the difference. 

I’ve been down this road, and I can attest to the transformative power of this shamanic breathwork masterclass from Rudá Iandê.

This free guided session helped me deal with intense emotions and create more stability within myself.

This, in turn, had a remarkable impact on my relationships.

Trust me, when you empower your emotions and take control over your body and mind, you’ll find it much easier to have healthier, happier relationships.

So, if you’re serious about improving your emotional well-being and your relationships, I can’t recommend this Breathwork Masterclass enough.

Here’s the link to the free breathwork video.

13) You’re self-absorbed

Self-absorbed people take everything personally and think the world revolves around them.

Because of this they often lack empathy and make decisions on a whim rather than taking the time to consider what will be best for everyone.


If you find yourself constantly thinking about yourself and your problems, it could be that you might be the issue in your relationship.

The way to fix this problem is by focusing on your partner and their feelings.

If you learn to do this, it will help you with all relationships in your life, be it with family members, friends, or colleagues.

You need to remember that you’re not the only one with feelings.

In essence:

You need to learn how to be there for others.

14) You’re letting your partner do all the work

You never want to get your hands dirty, so you let your partner do all the work in the relationship.

Sound familiar?

Whether it’s getting stuff around the house done, taking care of the kids, bringing home the bacon, or initiating things in the bedroom, you leave it all to your partner.

If you think your relationship has become toxic, you’re right, and the reason is your behavior.

What can you do to fix things?

Start by taking an active part in your relationship. Take the initiative to do something.

Show your significant other that you care!

15) You stonewall your partner

Do you find yourself starting to shut down mid-argument?

Do you suddenly stop communicating and retreat?

Refusing to communicate with another person can have hurtful and frustrating effects.

Shutting down during an argument is called “stonewalling” and is also known as “the silent treatment”.

Here’s the truth:

It’s not only harmful to a relationship but it’s toxic.

If you find yourself doing this often, then your relationship is in trouble.

What can you do to fix things?

Instead of stonewalling your partner, open yourself up to communication.

Listen to their side of the story and give yours.

I know it can be difficult to deal with all the emotions that arise during an argument but if you want your relationship to move forward, then you have to be able to communicate.

16) You don’t stay on topic when you argue

Do you sometimes find that you’re having a heated conversation about one thing, and suddenly it goes rogue and you bring up something that upset you years and years ago?


There’s also no point in talking about what happened years ago when you’re already fighting about something unrelated.

You can’t expect to have a productive relationship with someone who is unwilling to stay on topic during an argument.

This is toxic behavior because it encourages arguing and fighting.

The result?

You begin to see all arguments as battles, and the discussion quickly devolves into name-calling, insults, and general aggression.

It’s not good for anyone, that’s for sure!

17) You ignore problems

Do you find it easier to ignore problems in your relationship than to deal with them?

Here’s the thing:

If you ignore your partner’s red flags, then it’s not surprising that you may find yourself in toxic situations time and time again.

Ignoring problems can snowball into a major problem in your relationship.

If you’re willing to put forth an effort to discuss problems with your partner then the chances of an argument arising or trust declining is lessened.

Simply put:

If you want a healthy relationship you should be making an effort to discuss problems with your partner instead of ignoring them.

18) You’re addicted to social media

pexels eren li 7241296 1 24 signs you're the problem in your relationship

Ah yes, the problem of the modern-day (wo)man – social media!

Sometimes we spend so much time scrolling through our news feeds and social media that we neglect our relationships at home.

This is not good, especially in long-term relationships.

It’s okay to engage in social media from time to time as long as you make sure that you are spending quality time with your partner.

19) You only think about yourself

Do you often put yourself first? Are you always thinking about yourself?

Do you have time to think about your partner’s needs versus your own needs when a disagreement arises?

Toxic people are more concerned with their needs and wants than they are with the needs and wants of other people.

Toxic people may have a good idea of what other people need, but they aren’t focused on others – they’re only focused on themselves.

20) You’re controlling

Do you feel like you have to be in control?

It can be hard to admit when you have been the toxic person in a relationship.

People always want to believe that they’re not toxic, which is why it’s so important to know the signs that you are toxic and take steps to change your behavior if necessary.

Toxic people are also known for being manipulative and controlling.

They use guilt trips, intimidation tactics, and emotional blackmail to get what they want from others.

Maybe it’s time to take a hard long look at yourself.

21) You never hold yourself accountable

Do you always blame your partner for anything that goes wrong?

Is nothing ever your fault?

Toxic people may not be aware that they are toxic. They might not even realize that they are doing anything wrong.

However, in a relationship, it can be hard to admit that you are toxic when every time there is a disagreement or conflict, you put the blame on the other person and try to manipulate them.

If this sounds like you, it might mean that there is something very wrong with how you view yourself and how you interact with other people.

For example, if you’re never willing to take responsibility for what is going on in your life and by extension with everyone around you – this could mean that something’s missing from your personality.

22) You’re bossy

You’re bossy, and you have a tendency to order other people around.

Your partner is not happy with this behavior because it puts them in the position of having to do what you say no matter how unreasonable or unfair your requests are.

Bossy people have a hard time in relationships.

Bossy people are usually not happy and often end up in unhappy marriages.

The thing is, many of them don’t even know it! They think they’re just taking charge, but their actions are actually making their partner feel like less of an equal.

Here’s the thing:

You need to be more considerate if you want your relationship to work out.

23) You’re always in a bad mood

Do you feel like nothing ever goes right?

Are you always in a bad mood?

Well then, it’s no wonder your relationship is toxic!

Bad moods can be so destructive that they lead to resentment and distrust.

It’s possible that you have been carrying around a lot of negative energy and your partner is picking up on it.

Sometimes, the more toxic we are, the harder it is for us to see when our behavior has an impact on others in our life.

If you want to fix your relationship and feel better in general, you need to start working on your view of the world.

Take some time out to focus inwardly and figure out what’s causing this negativity so you can start working towards change.

Be more positive!

24) You self-sabotage for no reason

If you have a tendency to self-sabotage then it’s no surprise that you have problems in your relationship.

The reason you self-sabotage is that you don’t think you deserve to be happy.


You believe that you are not good enough or worthy of happiness.

You may also think that your life is too difficult for someone like you to be happy.

This thought pattern will continue until the belief changes and it becomes clear to yourself that there are many people in similar circumstances who have managed to find happiness despite how hard their lives were, so why can’t you?

Did you like my article? Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed.

Picture of Tina Fey

Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing for Ideapod to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

Enhance your experience of Ideapod and join Tribe, our community of free thinkers and seekers.

Related articles

Most read articles

Get our articles

Ideapod news, articles, and resources, sent straight to your inbox every month.