A week before our wedding, my partner made a shocking confession. Was I a fool for marrying him anyway?

Hi Evie. I got married last August to my partner of 6 years. A few months before the wedding, he started acting weird, he’d be hot and cold with me, just not his usual self. I thought it was just nerves or the stress of paying for a big wedding (we had over 200 guests) so I tried not to overthink it. A week before the big day he came home from work and said we needed to talk. Basically, he admitted to having had an affair with his ex on and off when we first got together. He said it went on for about a year and then he finally ended it and never admitted it to me because he was ashamed. When I asked why he was telling me this now right before the wedding he said he didn’t want to start married life with a lie. Honestly, I was so upset and confused at the time, I didn’t really know what to do. I felt ashamed and didn’t want to cancel the wedding and have to explain this to everyone so I just went ahead with it, but it was the worst day of my life. Since we’ve been married everything has gone downhill, I don’t trust him and I don’t think I even love him the same way anymore. Was I wrong to go ahead with the wedding? Or can I somehow make this work and feel for him like I used to? – Carrie, UK

Dear Carrie, 

You’re not a fool. It sounds like the pressure of the wedding combined with worrying about what everyone else would think if you had cancelled put you between a rock and a hard place. I certainly think it would have been a different outcome if those factors were removed from the equation. 

You have every right to feel upset and hurt by a) his affair and b) the fact that he waited years and years before being truthful with you. No wonder your love and trust for him have taken a deep dive. The question I want you to consider is:

Do you even want to make it work? 

Or are you still making decisions based on what everyone else will think? Because I’ll be honest – I know it’s not easy to tell friends and family about infidelity and potential divorce, but no one would blame you or think less of you for leaving. And even if they did, it’s not their business. You’ve got to do what’s right for you.

So, if you feel there’s a chance of rekindling those feelings for your husband, and he’s genuinely remorseful, I’d say by all means it’s worth giving it a shot. But only if you’re doing it because YOU want to. 

If not, then it’s time to consider starting afresh. You’ve already had a crappy wedding day and a miserable couple of months being married, why prolong that suffering just to keep up appearances? You deserve a lot more. 

Some couples can work through infidelity but it takes a hell of a lot of work from both sides. So think carefully about whether he’s worth that time and effort, or if it’s best to move on and put this whole ordeal behind you. 

Sending love and strength, 

Evie 

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Ask Evie

Ask Evie

Evie is on a mission to revolutionize relationships and help you sort through your emotional woes. Her popular column helps readers break free from societal restraints and create empowering relationships - both with their inner selves and with those around them. With a wealth of experience in relationship counseling, backed by several professional certifications, she’s open-minded, big-hearted, and extremely compassionate… But she’ll also be completely honest in telling you the (sometimes) brutal truth, so you can get straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe you’re trying to save a marriage that currently feels like a sinking ship? Or worrying that your new friend isn’t quite as nice as they seem? Perhaps you’ve accidentally killed your partner’s goldfish and are weighing up the pros and cons of going to the pet store and finding a doppelganger, or fessing up? Whatever the dilemma, Evie’s at the ready to help sort through the emotional turmoil and guide you towards the next best step. To get in touch with Evie, click here.

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